
##2000361 No other NFL quarterback has possessed the combination of size , speed and strength of the Vikings ' Daunte Culpepper , but he 's using a different set of chains to measure his forward progress : He wants to be the best ever GO AHEAD AND STARE . EVERYBODY else does . Do you think you are the first ? Friend , you are only the latest . Daunte Culpepper , quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings , has just entered the cafeteria at the team 's training facility in suburban Minneapolis . You says says says says says and study him with the wariness of one who trusts nothing but his own eyesight Culpepper , dressed all in black but for a diamond sparkle in each ear , strides over with a hand outstretched . You would be wise to show good manners in the presence of such a person , but your mouth has formed a perfect circle , as if frozen in the act of uttering the inevitable : " This guy plays quarterback ? Come on ! " This is how it happens . Culpepper @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says into the shade . Too taken aback for words , some have whistled . Others ( they ca n't help themselves ) mumble something that sounds like " That big summitch is a ... what ? " Listen , now , to the voices of the awed and thunderstruck who saw him before you did . " Saw him on TV , the first time ; says Dennis Green , Minnesota 's coach . " Saw him when he was a senior at Central Florida , playing Purdue . I loved everything about him . I says says says says says loved the fact that he 's a classic drop-back passer , even though he can run . I loved how competitive he was and how he 's got that spark , how he makes things happen . As I watched that game , it came to me that Daunte represents the new generation . Quarterbacks keep getting bigger and more athletic , and he is leading the way " " I happened to be in New York when we drafted him ; says the Reverend Keith Johnson , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says , and he had on a light-colored suit , white almost . He had a shine on him , like a light . It drew me so much that I had to follow him . I followed him around the room , just keeping my distance , and the whole time he was shining . I tell people Daunte 's got a glow . The light is definitely on him : ' " I 'm in the locker room , and this guy walks in , " says Bubby Brister , Culpepper 's backup , who says says says says says spring for his 14th NFL season . " I did n't know Daunte , and I did n't recognize him . But I look at this big or guy , and I think , Holy smoke , if that 's Daunte Culpepper ... he 's huge ! " I 've been around awhile , and I can tell you : He 's the biggest , strongest , fastest quarterback that ever was . " NO ONE would mind terribly if you blinked and started muttering in disbelief The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says he has not left his manners at home . " Daunte Culpepper , " he says to you , still humble enough to take nothing for granted , including the notion that he does n't require an introduction . Culpepper might be the largest starting quarterback in pro football history , but his size has become little more than a curious aside now that the Vikings , at 10-2 , are tied with the Raiders for the record in the NFL and their second-year quarterback is the most surprising story in the league . ( In says says says says says was 15 of 22 for 205 yards and two touchdowns in the Vikings ' 27-15 victory over the Cowboys . ) Perhaps the salient fact about Culpepper 's rise to prominence is that only a year ago critics were saying he was a bust . In 1999 he did n't throw a pass in a regular-season game . In the three preseason games in which he appeared he looked baffled as he fumbled an exchange from center , made bad throws and suffered seven sacks that set @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says says a blowout win against the San Francisco 49ers in Week 8 , Culpepper spent the year as a scout-squad player , third on the depth chart behind veterans Randall Cunningham and Jeff George . The label " long-term project , " which to the discerning NFL observer might as well mean " wasted pick , " was attached to his name . Green praised Culpepper 's development , even while saying that he was two or three years from being ready . As the season moved along and Culpepper watched from the sideline , newspapers ran says says says says says ' 99 quarterbacks , considered by many to be the best since 1983 when likely Hall of Famers John Elway , Jim Kelly and Dan Marino turned pro . Five of Culpepper 's contemporaries-the Cleveland Browns ' Tim Couch , the Philadelphia Eagles ' Donovan McNabb , the Cincinnati Bengals ' Akili Smith , the Chicago Bears ' Cade McNown and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers ' Shaun King-earned starting jobs , while the big man from Central Florida , selected with the 11th pick of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says says says good only when he was stepping off the team bus . Even Johnson noted that the light he saw emanating from Culpepper had weakened since that day in April when he was drafted . " I never doubted myself last year because I understood what my role was , " says Culpepper . " If Coach Green said my role was to run scout squad every day and try to make our defense better , then that was what I was going to do . Do n't get me wrong . It was definitely tough at says says says says says knew my day was coming . " " As a quarterback you 're not ready to play as a rookie ; says Green . " When we drafted Daunte , we told him , This is the perfect situation for you . You are the only quarterback in this draft who 's going to be given a chance to watch . They all think they 're ready to play , but they 're not . ' " Photograph Photograph Shakin ' it Culpepper presents a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but says says says says says to scramble . // No one seems less surprised by Culpepper 's performance this season than Culpepper , who with so few starts to his credit already has given thought to his legacy . Asked to describe the future he envisions for himself in the NFL , he does n't hesitate . " I want to be the best ever ; he says . " I do n't want to be just somebody who played the game . I hang out with wideout Randy Moss more than anybody else on the team . We sit around says says says says says 's like , When we walk away from football , we do n't want people ever to forget.When they mention this game , I want them to say Culpepper and Moss ; just like they now say Montana and Rice . ' " Culpepper pauses and seems to be considering how his words will appear in print . " I know that 's saying a lot , " he continues , " but I 'm saying it anyway . You 've got to set @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ why are says says says says says ever-that 's what I 'm after . " For now , however , Culpepper 's only place in the history books concerns his weight . Recent reports have put him at 269 pounds , but in fact , the most he 's ever weighed is 265 , and that was during the off-season . His playing weight , he says , fluctuates between 255 and 259 , occasionally dipping to 250 . " The guy is like a fullback , " says Buffalo Bills linebacker Sam Rogers . " You have to make sure you get says says says says says when you try to tackle him . You ca n't come from the back side and expect to blow him up , because you 'll bounce right off : ' In football big has always been good , and big and fast is even better . Running the 40-yard dash for NFL scouts one day last year before the draft , Culpepper put up a 4.42 , faster than a lot of skill-position players-players he outweighs by as much as 70 pounds . @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , numbers that says says says says says proud . In the off-season the Vikings measured players for body fat Culpepper 's result was somewhere between 7% and 896 . In high school he competed on the weightlifting team . He was also a highly touted high school basketball player , recruited by some of the best programs in the country , Kentucky 's among them . To complete the picture , Culpepper was drafted by the New York Yankees in 1995 , when he was 18 years old . OVER THE past io years the Vikings have started nine players at quarterback , says says says says says . Green has had six quarterbacks lead Minnesota to the playoffs seven times since he took over in 1992 . The impact of the quarterback on the success of the offense has not been especially crucial in large part because Green 's system is so quarterbackfriendly . The playbook and terminology are easy to master , and simple adjustments can be made for any defense . All this helps a young quarterback , as does being surrounded by superior talent . This @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ opponents , and wide says says says says says , the NFL 's seventh-leading career-yardage receiver , seem infinitely more dangerous now that the Vikings have established a strong running game with Robert Smith , who is averaging 5.4 yards a carry and is the league 's second-leading rusher . Culpepper , heretofore the unknown in the equation , has shown such confidence that Minnesota seems able to dig itself out of any hole , as it did on Oct. 22 , when Culpepper erased an 11-point deficit with two fourth-quarter touchdown passes to beat the Bills 31-27 . " We could be good for says says says says says says Sherm Lewis , the offensive coordinator , who joined the Vikings this year after eight seasons in the same capacity with Green Bay . " And Daunte , given time , is going to develop into a great leader . His head is probably swimming a little bit right now from all that 's been thrown at him , but he picks up things , and he 's very coachable . He sees the field , and he knows when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ advantage At 6 ' 4 says says says says says Culpepper , here eluding Tampa Bay end Chidi Ahanotu , is bigger than many of the defensive players he faces . Photograph Big advantage At 6 ' 4 " , 258 pounds , Culpepper , here eluding Tampa Bay end Chidi Ahanotu , is bigger than many of the defensive players he faces . // Lewis says Culpepper has proved to be adept at picking up " hots , " meaning he has a knack for making the proper reads in the face of stunts by the defense . " Talk to anybody in the NFL says says says says says " and he will tell you that for a first-year guy not to miss a single hot all season long , well , it just does n't happen , but Daunte has n't missed one since training camp . It 's hard to believe . " At this point it 's also hard to believe that Culpepper came to the starting job less by design than by default . In the off-season Green let Cunningham go , and although Green @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ after the Vikings had flirted with says says says says says Dolphins quarterback , who ultimately chose to retire . Green 's search to fill the position was of particular concern to Carter , who 'd hoped the team would keep George . Last year George , now with the Washington Redskins , won nine of 12 starts , passed for 3,452 yards and was spectacular in the playoffs , throwing three touchdown passes in a win against Dallas and four in a loss to the St. Louis Rams . From what Carter had seen of Culpepper in practice , it seemed a stretch to imagine that says says says says says 's output . " It was hard to get excited about Daunte ; says Carter . " He was just another rookie . " Had the team signed Marino or anyone else to start , Culpepper says he would not have been upset by the prospect of spending another year on the bench . At the time the Vikings were talking to Marino , he says , " I tried not to worry about it . My attitude was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I 'll get to learn from a says says says says says always on getting ready to play . " Not wishing to alienate the young quarterback , Green made a point of checking in with Culpepper and informing him about any behind-the-scenes developments . " I 'd bring him in , sit him down and talk , " says Green . " The idea from our end was , Whoever comes in here , you can compete with him . We 're not going to hand the job to anybody . Daunte was always consistent in his response , and he was always confident . Coach ; says says says says says I can do this job for you : He was so insistent that there were times when I had to say , Hey , take your time . We 'll work this out . ' " Green finally found a solution in Brister , a mature , affable and well-traveled veteran . Brister was smart , and he had enough arm strength to get the ball deep to Carter and Moss , but he was also at a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ contribution might be in a secondary role . says says says says says 's experience , and the 38-year-old Brister was eager for a new start after getting benched in Denver . When Brister and Minnesota came to terms , Green took the extraordinary step of designating Culpepper as the starter . He did so in April , prompting protests from Vikings fans fixated on the image of the bumbling rookie . " I knew what they were saying , " Culpepper says . " They were saying , What on earth is Denny Green doing ? ' I heard it all , but it was easy for me says says says says says knew something they did n't : I was ready . " Culpepper was riding around in his Lincoln Navigator , listening to music , when Alex Wood , Minnesota 's quarterbacks coach , reached him on his cell phone . " You 're our guy , Daunte ; Wood told him . " We 're going to go with you . " " Daunte is always positive and upbeat , always respectful ; says Wood . " @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ call me Alex , but you could tell it says says says says says He 'd say , Hi , Alex , but he could n't say it right . Now he just calls me Coach . GREEN HIRED Wood on March 15 , 1999 , a month before the Vikings drafted Culpepper The young coach had not yet signed his contract when Green gave him his first assignment : Get to Florida and interview Culpepper . Less than 24 hours into the job , Wood , who 'd last coached at James Madison in Harrisonburg , Va. , was interviewing the quarterback in Orlando . " Like everybody else says says says says says how big he was ; ' says Wood . While in Orlando , Wood also watched videotape of Culpepper 's senior season . Wood marveled at his presence in the pocket . Even when pressed by the rush , Culpepper kept his eyes downfield and held his ground . He never looked jittery or scared , and he was a load to bring down . Opposing players slammed headlong into him , then fell to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Culpepper set an NCAA record for single-season completion percentage with says says says says says says that on tape Culpepper looked as if he could place the ball wherever he wanted , no matter how small the window . Finally , he had a big league arm , the kind that made an 80-yard passing strike look routine . " He was the player I was always looking to recruit while at James Madison but could never find , " says Wood . " There 's a reason for that : There 's nobody out there like him . " Wood also interviewed and studied film of the other quarterbacks in says says says says says and when Green asked him to rank them , he put Culpepper first , followed by Syracuse 's McNabb and Oregon 's Akili Smith . Devising his own list , Green had Culpepper as the top player in the entire draft , just as he 'd named Moss the best in 1998 . But unlike Moss , who fell to Minnesota at the 21st pick because other teams had questions about his character , Culpepper @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or at least none of his own making . Born to says says says says says robbery , Daunte was adopted by a woman named Emma Culpepper when he was a day old and raised in Ocala , Fla . He never knew , never even met his father ; practically all he would ever know about the man was that his first name was David . Emma raised 13 other children , but Daunte never doubted her devotion to him . " She was loving and caring , but she was also very strict ; he says . " She could lay down the law on me . She was both says says says says says . " While some might use such a beginning as an excuse for failure , Culpepper regarded it as an opportunity to prove himself . " I feel I 'm blessed , one of the luckiest guys ever " he says . " Maybe if I 'd had a dad , he would have messed some staff up for me . Maybe he would have babied me in certain situations when I did n't @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Kimberly Rhem , the mother of his three children , Culpepper says says says says says says to be a father , the kind I never had . " Heading into the draft , the Vikings needed help on defense , but Green refused to bypass a chance to take Culpepper , even though selecting someone like Jevon Kearse , the pass-rushing prodigy from Florida , seemed to be the obvious move . More than all the other quarterbacks coming out that spring and more than highly skilled running backs Edgerrin James and Ricky Williams , both of whom were drafted before him , Culpepper was the player Green believed could revolutionize his says says says says says believe Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss are going to set the league on fire " says Green . " They 'll do this because Daunte can throw a beautiful deep ball and because Randy has the speed to run out there and get it . " AFTER MINNESOTA 'S first minicamp that spring , Culpepper received permission from Green to work out for 10 weeks with Moss and Carter at Carter 's FAST @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Fla . The Vikings encourage their young players to participate in off-season says says says says says , but Culpepper thought he could get in better shape and hone his skills more quickly in Carter 's program . Supervised by a staff of professional trainers , the players worked out five days a week in a Gold 's Gym and on a high school football field , challenging one another 's endurance in what Culpepper describes as " the most rigorous training " he 's ever done . Photograph Working vacation This summer Culpepper ( right ) went through his training paces for 10 weeks with Carter ( left ) and Moss in says says says says says got to know the type of guys they are , and they got to know me , " he says . " They got to see that I was as willing to work as hard as they were . You have to bond with your teammates . People say it does n't carry over to the field . Well , they 're wrong . " Even though those weeks in Florida brought @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ still grew impatient with his youthful mistakes when training camp opened . They rode says says says says says Concerned that Moss and Carter were being too rough on the quarterback , Sherm Lewis talked with them about what it would take to help Culpepper have a big year . " We sat in a classroom Lewis recalls , " and the meeting lasted five or six minutes-that 's all . It was n't a lecture . We just talked man to man . Nobody in the league knows the passing game better than Cris Carter , but he 's also very emotional because he wants to win so badly . The last thing he says says says says says You 'll have to remind me every once in a while to back off ! ' " Carter and Moss have n't always been able to hold their tongues . In the locker room after a 31-24 win over the Detroit Lions on Oct 1 , Moss complained to reporters about a bad throw by Culpepper . Across the room Culpepper was taking questions about the same play when Moss , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ approached him . " Do you expect a lot out of me ? " asked says says says says says story in the Minneapolis Star Tribune . " Yes ; came Culpepper 's reply . " I expect exactly the same thing out of you , said the receiver . The young quarterback was unfazed by the incident ; he says he understands the fire that drives his receivers . " Randy and Cris , their passion for the game is just like mine ; says Culpepper . " They want to win , and they 're willing to give whatever it takes . I do n't get mad when they say something negative about me says says says says says at it as being positive . Sometimes I might say something back to them in the same way . I can take it , but I can give it too . " This give-and-take was on display in Dallas on Thanksgiving , when Moss and Culpepper got into it on national TV . Early in the third quarter Culpepper prudently threw the ball away to avoid a blitz . Moss @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , yelled at Culpepper as they walked off the field . There was a protractedand heated-exchange says says says says says young stars , and then the storm broke , and the two shook hands . Just to make sure there were no hard feelings , Culpepper hit Moss with a 36-yard touchdown pass later in the game . In fact , Culpepper and Moss have been regularly punishing opposing defensive backs since October . " Daunte understands now what we 're trying to do ; ' says Carter . " And he 's gotten much more accurate with his throws : Indeed , since that game , Culpepper has completed 63.5% of his passes , fourth says says says says says stretch . Culpepper and Moss now display a spontaneity the likes of which the NFL has n't seen in a while . Other quarterbacks and receivers produce better numbers , but they do so by picking defenses apart with the kind of precision that the Minnesota tandem abandons as the game goes on . After he caught a 39-yard , fourth-quarter touchdown pass from Culpepper to help beat the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the play that sent him racing to the back of the end zone . Moss said the says says says says says Moss , go get it . " Born little more than two weeks apart , Culpepper and Moss are 23 , still young enough to believe anything they desire can be theirs . " What we really want , " says Culpepper , " is to dominate . " THREE WEEKS after being upbraided by Moss in front of reporters , Culpepper is back in the team 's cafeteria , with yet another victory to celebrate . With what must feel like all the eyes of the world upon him , he announces that he has says says says says says knows what it will take for him to dominate , for him to be remembered as the best quarterback of all time , not just the biggest . " My goal is to win the Super Bowl , " he says . " You know how you do that , do n't you ? " When your answer is too slow in coming , Culpepper raises a hand @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a time .... " Photograph Pumped-up resume Culpepper was on his high school 's weightlifting and basketball teams says says says says says Yankees . // <p> 
##2000367 Kids go one-on-one with NBA Slam-Dunk King VINCE CARTE // since Carter wowed the NBA last season . He averaged 25.7 points per game and rocked the Slam Dunk competition at the All-Star Game . Number 15 of the Toronto Raptors recently sat down with eight kids from his Vince Carter Basketball Camp , in Toronto , Ontario , Canada . He talked about his goals for this season , his dynamic dunks , and his new ' do . Here 's what he had to say : Q : What 's with says says says says says I 'm just trying something new . It 's the longest I 've ever had it . I 'll keep it for a while . Q : What do you think about when you are dunking over someone ? A : I do n't think about anything . When I 'm dribbling down the court and I 'm making my move to the basket , I see a defender and I need to score . So , most of the time , I just jump into the air and let @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says you start playing basketball ? A. My uncle started me at two years old . He put a basketball in my hands and made me come outside and play . I was crying . I wanted to stay in the house . I made my first basket at two years old . I 've been playing ever since . 12 : How did you learn to jump so high ? A : It is a God-given talent , but I think it 's also mind over matter . In my mind , I understood that I says says says says says dunk the basketball . My body started to believe it , and I just got higher and higher . Q : How old were you when vou made your first dunk ? A : I was in the sixth grade , so I was 11 . Dunking was big , and not many kids were able to do it at that age , especially at five-foot-seven as I was . Q What was it like ? A : I remember it like it was yesterday . At first , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says and then a basketball . And I was like , " I 'm going to do it ! " I made everybody get out of the way , and I dunked it . I felt on top of the world . Q.- Why did you pick jersey number 15 ? A I went through the phase of wanting to have numbers 23 , 22 , and 21 , and could n't get them . I admired Michael Jordan , Clyde Drexler , and Dominique Wilkens . I told my mom , and she said , " says says says says says " When I got to high school , I knew I was meant to be number 15 . One day , the coach handed out jerseys , and I was the only freshman . He said , " Vince , I 'm sorry , but because you 're the youngest , you have to get this number . " It was 15 , and I 've had it ever since . Q : What is your favorite memory from the University of North Carolina ? A : Making @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says . That 's the top , if you 're a college player . There are a lot of guys who have made it to the NCAA tournament , but not to the Final Four . I was fortunate enough to go to the Final Four twice , back-to-back . Q : How do you come up with your moves ? A : I study the game . I watch guys . I see moves that I like or I think will work for me . I go home and practice them . That 's how I says says says says says What player or players do you model your game after ? A : I feel that I have a whole unique style . A lot of the stuff you see in the NBA today was introduced by Doctor J hoops legend Julius Erving , but nobody ever mentions that . I think I do some of the things he did . Q : If you could go one-onone with anyone in NBA history , who would it be ? A : One of the legends , like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says says at his best . Photograph Vince meets the press . // Q : Who is the toughest player to play against in the NBA today ? A : There are a lot of players who are tough to play because I consider myself a small forward . Sometimes , in an NBA game , you have to switch over to guard someone else . So , I would say Shaq , because he 's big . Power forward Karl Malone is one of the harder guys to guard . At point guard , it would be says says says says says . Q : How did you feet when you were picked for the 2000 U.S. Olympic team ? A : I was honored , because there are a lot of guys in the NBA who have never been to the Olympics . And I was given that opportunity as a thirdyear player . Q : What goes through your head when you have to make the winning shot ? A : Well , a lot of people put so much pressure on themselves . They start @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says says says them at a disadvantage . When I step on the court and there are twenty seconds left in the game , I look at it as twenty seconds left in the first quarter . I take my time , relax , and take my shot . If I miss , I miss . But , I 'll always tell myself , " I 'm going to make it . " Photograph With cousin T-Mac In the high school band In flight school at UNC // VINCE 'S FAVORITE STUFF // Q. What was your most embarrassing says says says says says : One of them was during a game against the Vancouver Grizzlies . Starting lineups were announced , I 'm running out , and my sweatpants start to fall off . I did n't know whether to grab my pants or give everybody a high five , so I tried to do both . I tried to hit with one hand and hold my pants up with the other hand . The next thing I know , my pants are down at my ankles and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people says says says says says were at my ankles . Q : What are your goals for this season ? A : My major goal is just to be a little better than I was last season . When I say that , I mean all the way around . I want to increase my rebounding , steals , everything . Q : When you 're away from home , do you carry anything with you to remind you of your family ? A : When I 'm on the road , I make sure I call my mom . I says says says says says , win or lose . Q : How did you feel when your cousin Tracy McGrady left Toronto to join the Orlando Magic ? A : I was happy for him . It 's going to be a little more competitive now when we see each other . Q : What is the best tip you have for becoming a better basketball player ? A : You 're wasting your time if you 're in the gym just playing around . I do n't @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ game . says says says says says , you tend to go to your bad habits . When you 're working out , you work on eliminating those bad habits and creating good habits . Q : Do you like your job ? A : I love it . I consider it a job , but I also do it for the love of it . I love to entertain you guys , the fans , my friends . I also like to entertain myself . I have a good time . Photograph 3 , 2 , 1 ... ... yes ! Vince says says says says says the buzzer. // Vince 's Stats Photograph Photograph Vince Carter Photograph Photograph Sidebar About Vince Sidebar HEIGHT : 6 ' 7 " WEIGHT : 215 lbs . BIRTHDAY : January 26 , 1977 HOMETOWN : Daytona Beach , Florida Sidebar * Member of the 2000 U.S. Men 's Olympic Basketball Team * Led the Toronto Raptors to their first NBA playoffs , in 1999-2000 * Winner of the 2000 NBA Slam Dunk contest * Voted a starter for the 2000 NBA All-Star Game @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Jordan , in says says says says says of the Year * Helped North Carolina earn back-to-back Final Four appearances ( 1997 , 1998 ) * Plays the saxophone and was a drum major in his high school band // <p> 
##2001779 It 's the middle of the feminist revolution And there 's still a long way to go . Lawyer and political activist Susan Estrich urges us to rally-we have the world to Headnote gain , for ourselves and for future generations . // My friend is a powerful businesswoman . She does n't run the company , but she 's closer to it than any other woman . She has gone as far as any woman has in her business . And what does her 15-year-old daughter want to be when she grows says says says says says , " she says . " Is n't that enough ? " My friend is one of those women who never seems to waste time , races home for dinner , and serves on all the school committees . Rebellion is easier to recognize in someone else 's daughter . But is this rebellion ? I have a theory . I think my friend is a great mother . My guess is her daughter would agree . Sorry to the conservatives , but I do n't hear the voice of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says Not at all . It 's more about how hard her mother 's life looks to her . For those of us who looked at our own mothers ' lives and saw Betty Friedan 's " feminine mystique " gone wrong , it 's time to ask what our daughters see when they look at us . Exhaustion ? Stress ? Guilt ? Frustration ? My friend loves to be a mother , there is no doubt of that . So do I. Our children know that . We tell them that we would like to says says says says says and that is true . But we also love our work . We need that , too . I am moderating a moot court debate between two of Los Angeles ' premier attorneys . Both are senior partners in major law firms . One of the attorneys has brought her 11year-old son to the debate . I had considered bringing my eight-year-old-I had barely seen her that day-until I realized how late we would be there . I chat with the boy while his mother is in the ladies @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says " I ask him . " No way , " he replies . " My mom hates her job . " Hates her job ? One of the very top female lawyers in our city ? " Does she really ? " I ask . " It causes her so much stress , " he says . I 'm sure it does . But she also loves it . I can tell just by watching her do it . It is hard to be a woman in what is still a man 's world . There says says says says says jokes that we must have had it wrong , that this could not possibly be what we fought a revolution for . " Did we win or lose ? " we ask one another . There are days when every woman yearns to be taken care of , protected , judged by her apple pie . But we know better . On television , the Nelsons lived happily ever after . In real life , Ozzie was a tyrant , and Harriet had no choice but to put @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says miracle . We may not have wanted to be our mothers , but most of us who discovered feminism 20 years ago also discovered that motherhood had been sold short . The message we are sending , very clearly , is that being a mother matters , and it does . But motherhood does n't need a movement anywhere near as desperately as ambition does . Hallmark celebrates women who are mothers ; who celebrates women who want power ? What about the sense of power and possibility that comes with the realization that what is says says says says says the struggle is larger than you , that change is possible ? Have we taught our daughters that ? Do they even have any idea what that means ? And our sons . Dare we ask ? Have you ever heard a boy answer " a father " when someone asks him what he is going to be when he grows up ? Of course little boys want to be fathers . But that is not what they are going to do . In recent years , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says says of women dropping out , not only because of their children , but because they simply do n't want to get to the top . " Women tend to leave not just because of children or the family , but also because of an underlying dissatisfaction with the job , " according to Freada Klein , president of a consulting firm , quoted in one typical feature story about women who are " trying to fashion a broader meaning of success . " Fortune reports that the business of helping women get off the fast track says says says says says , chief economist at the investment bank Donaldson , Lufkin and Jenrette , has earned the ire of many feminists by arguing that the slowdown in the growth rate of workforce participation by women aged 25 to 34 , and a decline in the participation rates of women 20 to 24 that began in the early 1990s reflect the fact that women who do have the choice today-the privileged few whose spouses earn enough to support the family-are choosing not to work . The conventional wisdom @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says says says confronting as much explicit discrimination , they make the mistake of not believing that it is there . Faced with doors that are half-open instead of those that are slammed shut , they assume that the choices they are being offered are the only ones there could be . Every year , I ask my students in gender discrimination how many of them expect to make partner in a major firm or become corporate counsel in the next ten years-the traditional " power " jobs in the law , the ones that come with the power says says says says says others . Every year , fewer and fewer women raise their hands . Lately , I 've had classes with none at all . Judge Patricia Wald of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia circuit tells the story of showing an American Bar Association report documenting the continued sexism in New York law firms to her female law clerks , who have to be the top graduates of the top law schools just to get that job . She expected them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ discrimination says says says says says about it . Instead , they dismissed the report with little more than a shrug . Who would want to work there anyway ? So what if the people who do get those jobs end up running the world , wielding power not only as lawyers but as judges , politicians , advisers to presidents . And who 's to say they 're wrong ? I understand why young women look at what it takes to make partner , break through , climb the slippery pole , and decide they 'd rather do carpool . I says says says says says as an ambitious woman , and no one has ever disagreed . I am ambitious , as women go . I am not embarrassed to say that I like power . But I have not been as ambitious as I might have been ; I have not always maximized my power . And it is n't just my family that has stood in the way of that . At critical points in my career , I have let other values stand in the way @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ men I says says says says says I was running Michael Dukakis 's presidential campaign in 1988 , I did not encourage him to climb into a tank-providing that infamous photo-op that came to symbolize a losing campaign . I wanted him to be at a school . Guns or butter . It did n't matter . The truth was that he had stopped listening to me months before ; the last piece of advice I gave him that he followed was to select Lloyd Bentsen as his running mate . Throughout a long , hot summer , I kept the machinery of says says says says says but I barely talked to the candidate whose campaign I was supposed to be running . I also kept my mouth shut . I never talked or wrote about it , until now , when it is a story about me , not him . I aeonized , though , and I have second-guessed myself many times . The poll numbers were dropping . George Bush was out there hitting hard . The consultants I wanted , Dukakis did n't want ; the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I got , says says says says says scolding me for daring to interrupt him when he was interviewing judges for superior court appointments . I am pretty sure I know what most men would have done ; I have watched men in that position carefully in the years since . They would have protected themselves . Leaked the truth to the press . Written a cover memo of all the advice they 'd given that had n't been taken and given it to a few carefully selected reporters . I would never do such things because I thought they would be disloyal . says says says says says first , putting my survival in front of the candidate 's . I thought that was wrong . But here 's the irony : it might have been better if I had . It would certainly have been better for me . I would n't have taken as much heat as I did . And it might also have gotten Dukakis out of the state house and onto the road . The boys leak to protect themselves , but that is n't @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ candidate who is refusing says says says says says him read the advice in the paper . It infuriates them , creates conflict and explosions . It is hardball , and if you lose , you 're dead . But it gets their attention . Was I afraid to do it ? Why did n't I sound the alarm ? Selfless , or scared ? Getting power and holding on to it by the rules of today 's workplace is not often , maybe not ever , a contest of niceness . Modern-day Machiavellis are more often feared than loved , which runs counter to says says says says says of many women . If America 's most powerful women are of at least two minds about their power , reluctant even to admit that they have it , much less that they like it , should it surprise anyone that the rest of us are unwilling to do what it takes to get it ? If nice guys finish last , should it shock us when nice girls do n't even get in the game ? The reason Richard Hokenson @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it is necessarily wrong , says says says says says impact on the overwhelming majority of women who are still working . The perception , if not the reality , that women drop off the fast track at higher rates than men makes it easier to justify the failure to accommodate and promote the ones who stay . Behind closed doors , consultant Freada Klein has no doubt that executives are already saying just that ; she has heard it . " Senior managers say , We are spending too much money training women , and it is n't worth it . " ' Some women says says says says says " I can not see how we can argue for equal numbers of women in medical school or law school or plumbing school , if they start dropping out , " argues Joan K. Peters , author of When Mothers Work : Loving Our Children Without Sacrificing Ourselves . Most of us are accustomed to thinking of those women who drop out to spend time with their children or pull back to avoid stepping on toes as acting selflessly . @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for decisions I did n't make says says says says says Putting yourself first feels selfish , which is one of the reasons we find it so hard to do . But dropping out , pulling back , letting niceness get the best of you , not asking for enough , not pushing hard enough , is also a selfish decision , from the collective perspective of feminism . It negatively affects other women . It retards change . There are occasions when the unselfish act is not to settle for less and convince ourselves that we are better for it , but to demand more , says says says says says to improve the lot of others . We could take it on , all of it . We could start counting and demand results , from the inside and the outside ; we could run for office and support one another ; we could use our buying power and our voting strength to reward good behavior and punish bad . The question women face is whether we ( still ) have the ambition to change things . It is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ larger than one 's own success . says says says says says want , say my girlfriends who are , like me , old enough to find themselves surrounded by cancer . But mortality carries with it more than one lesson . To enjoy life , yes ; but also to make a difference . The gift that feminism gave to me as a young woman was a reason to stand up for myself , a mission that was larger than myself , and a community with whom I shared that mission . It was the gift that brought me success at Harvard Law School , an environment says says says says says many ways , not the least of which was the self-fulfilling prophecy that women could n't and would n't do very well . I saw myself as carrying a mantle . Once I got two A+s my first semester , I was positioned to break through , and my friends were going to do everything they could to help me . When I was tired and depressed , they fed me and made me laugh . When the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ambitious chick , they helped me find the says says says says says are not chicks . " By the spring , when people put their names in to be considered for the job of president of the Law Review , it was assumed , by me and everyone else , that I 'd be a leading candidate . It was a goal that would never have occurred to a girl who took it for granted that men were presidents and women were first ladies . But I was n't a girl who accepted traditions anymore ; I was a feminist with a point to make . I do says says says says says done it without my friends , and all they meant to me . Or rather , I would n't have done it . The work , I did myself ; in that sense , I certainly could have done it . And I was very lucky to find myself in an institution that prided itself on its merit system . But what kept me up at 2 A.M. was the idea that I was part of a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ something bigger than myself . There will be a says says says says says for little league , I assured my daughter last spring . There were not a lot of girls . My daughter was the only girl on her team ; some of the teams did n't have any girls . We were both disappointed . As the only girl on her team , my daughter felt a special responsibility , I think . She was determined to succeed ( or at least not be the worst ) , to show that a girl could do it . When she was frustrated and felt like a failure , says says says says says on to . She had a mission , and she fulfilled it . The name of that mission is feminism . Its gift is the idea that a girl can be whoever she wants , that she too can grow up to be president . Its gift is the faith that both my children-my daughter and my son-can be free to be their best selves . But with the gift comes the responsibility to fulfill its @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not for your own sake , then for the sake says says says says says . We stand for the day when we do n't have to . For me , and I hope for my daughter , feminism is a lesson in the possibilities of being a truly autonomous person . I teach it , and try to live it , as a critical perspective that opens up possibilities , not one that shuts them down and turns viewers into victims . See the unfairness , the discrimination , the status quo , as what it is ; see it so you are not bound by it . Understand that says says says says says that it is not you , that this is bigger and beyond you . Understand those things not so that you will be paralyzed , but so that you will have the strength to act . Know that the law is on your side and that much of what was once considered acceptable no longer is ; understand that revolution is possible , that we have already changed the world and all we have to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Power by Susan Estrich with permission of Riverhead Books , a says says says says says Inc . <p> 
##2001850 A bold new plan to create a megafund for women Photograph Iris Burnett ( left ) and Nell Merlino : Jump-starting businesses that ca n't get bank loans . // PICTURE THIS : AN ENORMOUS , see-through purse fills up with a flurry of crisp $5 bills . Once ry p $5 full , this megawad stands ready for women who dream of starting their own businesses or getting the training to work for themselves . This utopian image is at the heart of Count Me In for Women 's Economic Independence , says says says says says to create a private $25 million " opportunity fund " by collecting a modest $5 donation from millions of women all across the United States . The brainchild of two seasoned organizer-activists , Iris Burnett and Nell Merlino , Count Me In will dispense loans ranging from $500 to $10,000 to women trying to kick start their own businesses , and up to $1,000 in scholarships for work-skills education . The business is too small . Too home -- oriented . No personal credit history . Limited employment history due @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says with a bank . There are many reasons women ca n't get -- or do n't even bother applying for -- traditional loans . " Loan applications , as they exist now , do n't accommodate the unique situations in which women find themselves , like being widowed or divorced , having to take care of elderly parents or to leave work to take care of children , and never having had credit cards in their own name , " says Burnett . " Women who either have no credit history or very thin credit files says says says says says 're run through the credit scoring process . " To remedy this , Count Me In is trying to make the criteria for creditworthiness more women-friendly . By focusing on small-scale loans of under $10,000 , the initiative hopes to assist businesses that would never qualify for a typical bank loan of $25,000 and up . As examples , Merlino and Burnett cite a woman who performs as a clown at children 's parties or a woman in her seventies who jars pickled pig 's feet for local delis @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says flourishing international " microcredit " movement whose mission is to help establish viable businesses run by women and minorities . However , Count Me In is definitely breaking some new ground within the world of microcredit , says Lily Zandniapour , senior research associate at the Aspen Institute , a global educational institute that , among other things , tracks U.S. microloan groups . " Most of these programs have a local , not national focus , " she says , adding that Count Me Ins by-the-people , for -- the-people capital-raising strategy is also unique says says says says says on money from government and private organizations ) . " Women have absolutely never had their own source of money on this scale . We have always had to go to fathers , husbands , brothers , banks -- which we do n't own , which we are n't the majority stockholders in , " says Merlino , who started her own communications strategy firm with a computer bought by her father and brother and a $10,000 loan from her best friend . " There has never been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says Never large enough to do anything significant . " Merlino , a cut-to-the-chase idea person with a booming voice , and Burnett , with her enthusiastic but more laid-back disposition , are a dynamic duo . The pair have decades of experience organizing political stunts , activist events , and public interest campaigns that move people to action . After cutting her teeth on labor organizing in the 1970s , Merlino worked on Walter Mondale 's 1984 presidential campaign and was a manager at New Jersey 's Department of Human Services . It was during the says says says says says started to become fascinated with the political power of tangible images . " Watching what Reagan was able to do through the manipulation of the media and spin was pivotal for me , " says Merlino . " The first press conference I worked on in New Jersey was when he announced those revised nutritional guidelines , including the fact that ketchup and relish were going to be considered vegetables . We set up a bunch of grills outside the state house and made burgers the size @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says says grill . I had always been interested in policy , but I realized at that moment that the press conference did more to tell the press what this guy was really saying than any amount of policy reports and nutritional studies and ' blah , blah , blah ' could ever do . " For the last 11 years , Merlino has parlayed that an-image-is-worth-a -- thousand-words epiphany into a business venture . Her New York-based company , Strategy Communication Action , has created high-profile public education campaigns like the Ms. Foundation 's Take Our Daughters says says says says says YWCA 's Week Without Violence . Burnett , meanwhile , honed her organizing skills in the federal government before becoming senior vice president for corporate communications of the Sci-Fi Channel and USA Network , then head of her own communications consulting firm . As chief of staff at the United States Information Agency , she helped create the White House Women 's Office and the President 's Interagency Council for Women ; she also served as director of communications for the U.S. delegation to the Beijing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says says says that two of the most serious issues for women everywhere are access to capital and having opportunity . " Although women-owned businesses make a staggering economic contribution -- they employ 27.5 million people ( more than all the Fortune 500 companies combined ) and generate $3.6 trillion in sales -- they receive less bank financing than businesses headed by men and are granted lower lines of credit . Black women , who constitute 13 percent of all female entrepreneurs in the U.S. , are even less likely to get help from traditional financial institutions . " says says says says says women believe they have solved some of their time and money problems by starting their own businesses . I certainly chose to run my own company to be in my own home , " says Merlino , sitting in the living room of her Manhattan apartment , which doubles as Strategy Communication Actions office . " One of our fantasies is that in the next five years our program will make it possible for a quarter of a million women who run businesses to hire @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ created says says says says says situations where , you hope , there is some greater respect for the need to balance your life -- so that you can do your work , be involved with something interesting , and also spend some time with people you care about . " Burnett and Merlino plan to start doling out Count Me In money this summer . They have spent the past year creating the organization 's infrastructure , including hiring staff and launching a Web site where people can make secure online donations , get loan and scholarship applications , and eventually says says says says says Me In beneficiaries and share business advice . The ambitious endeavor has caught the attention of major corporate backers like American Express and BP Amoco , which contributed to the group 's seed money ; it also seems to excite the " woman on the street . " Photograph Count Me In 's by-the-people , for-the-people capital-raising strategy is unique . // " Whenever I run the idea by people , it just resonates , " says Burnett , who recently handed out business @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ initiative on says says says says says to Washington , D.C. " Whether it was the settlement houses at the turn of the century or a bake sale or car wash to buy a new sound system for the high school auditorium , women are used to getting together to solve a problem . " Adds Merlino : " I do n't know a single woman who would n't want , if she had the wherewithal , to help a sister or a friend or somebody start a business . As individuals , we do n't have enough money to do that , says says says says says the money to put thousands of women in business . " ACTION ALERT : Contact Count Me In at 22 West 26th Street , Suite 9H , New York , N.Y . 10010 > ( 212 ) 691-6380 > www.count-me-in.org . Sidebar >>FLASHFACT Sidebar Six states have never elected a woman to either the U.S. House or Senate -- Alaska , Delaware , Iowa , Mississippi , New Hampshire , and Vermont . Sidebar CZECH MATE Sidebar When the Czech Republic 's Prime @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cabinet , he says says says says says his usual mantra of " I do n't care if somebody is yellow or green or whatever sex , " insisting that he makes appointments based solely on qualifications . And in his unique meritocracy , " male candidates appear to be better experts than women . " Infuriated by Zeman 's Sidebar claims , Jana Volfova , chair of the Women Social Democrats , responded by creating an all . women shadow cabinet in March . As an added fillip , she replaced the defense ministry with a Ministry for Women and Family . The says says says says says diverse party affiliations and include former shot put world champion Helena Fibingerova as head of the sports ministry . While the shadow cabinet has no real power , the tongue-in-cheek appointments are meant to expose the Sidebar gaping cracks in Zeman 's rea. soning . " It 's partly a joke , a bit of fun , but partly also an attempt to give women a chance to be more visible In politics , " says Volfova . But gender disparity is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 11 percent of senate says says says says says the seats in the lower chamber . In the top-ranking posts , there are no women at all . Zeman had the perfect opportunity to correct this imbalance when five cabinet positions were Sidebar vacated in mid-February , but instead he replaced the five outgoing men with five more . " Prime Minister Zeman 's refusal to identify expert female candidates is an example of his arrogance and male chauvinism , " says firing Siklova , head of Prague 's Association for Equal Status of Women . " For Mr. Zeman , the absence of women says says says says says , " says Siklova , " but his actions have started discussion . " -- Kelly Rozewicz Author Affiliation Hagar Scher is a writer and editor living in New York City . // <p> 
##2001851 // when we could n't get pregnant , everyone assumed the problem was mine A FEW YEARS AGO , WHEN MY SISTER AND HER husband decided that the three children they had were enough , they went to their doctor to I discuss sterilization . They were told that a vasectomy was a ten-minute procedure using a local anaesthetic . There was no real surgical or postsurgical danger to the patient , and vasectomies were 99.6 percent effective at stopping future pregnancies . Were my sister to be the one sterilized , the says says says says says invasive type of tubal ligation that includes the dangers of bowel puncture and internal hemorrhaging , and requires a hospital stay . As with all tubal ligations , there was also the postsurgical danger of internal infection , and the procedure is not as effective as a vasectomy in preventing pregnancy . If she should get pregnant , it was likely to be the life-threatening ectopic kind . Their doctor told them that for the vasectomy , my sister 's husband would have to sign several consent forms after having @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says Then he could make an appointment . My sister was told that for the tubal ligation , she had only to request an appointment . There was one , Tuesday at 8 A.M. , if she wished . When I heard this story , I remember assuming that this strange veneration of male fertility , even to the point of endangering the lives of female patients , existed only in that hospital . From two experiences of my own , I 've begun to wonder about that assumption . First came the contraceptive ordeal . Not says says says says says from most women 's experience in this country . Someday you should unfold one of those tissue-leaf instruction sheets slipped into every container of the pill . The list of possible side effects is half a column 's length of tiny drug -- company print . It includes cervical cancer , mood swings , breast cancer , hair loss , hair growth , liver tumors , and pulmonary embolisms . And these are only the ones left after almost 40 years of carefully decreasing the drug 's potency . @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says potential side effects . I did n't have much of a choice . In the U.S. every contraceptive on drugstore shelves , except the condom , has been designed for women , even though many have potentially dangerous side effects or are not very reliable in preventing pregnancy . During my twenties , reliability seemed more important than side effects . I naively assumed that contraceptives were traditionally focused on women because men 's fertility was very hard , if not impossible , to medically impede . Over this last year , I happened to hear says says says says says could potentially be controlled . So far , research shows them to be remarkably safe . Sperm is very sensitive to heat , which is why testicles descend-to be outside the hot body cavity . Wearing specially designed heat-retaining polyester underwear that cups the testicles close to the warm body has been shown to create safe , reversible sterility . Then there are water ultrasounds , the same kind that are used by doctors to treat sports injuries and to view fetuses in the uterus . The man @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says for ten minutes by an ultrasound . The temperature never gets hotter than that of warm bath water . That 's it . The man is sterile for six months . After that his fertility returns to normal . There are no known harmful effects . These are just two of several promising male contraceptive methods I have stumbled on in my nonmedical reading . However , no manufacturer in the U.S. seems interested in thoroughly testing or implementing them . Instead , women are left to make a choice between reliability and health risks . says says says says says much more painful experience with the medical profession 's preference for tinkering with women . Almost two years ago my husband and I decided we wanted to have a child . After six months without a pregnancy we were advised to go to an infertility clinic . I quickly discovered that although no one had any idea if the problem was being caused by my husband or me , this medical experience would be mine almost entirely . During the first six months , my blood was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says says legs for 17 people to stick various apparatuses inside . I had a full physical exam , a pap smear , many ultrasounds , and an x-ray of my uterus . I was asked again and again about my age . During these six months , I saw eight doctors . Seven of them , even with their busy schedules , took the time to warn me that my age decreased my chances of conceiving and sustaining a pregnancy , that my age increased the chances of birth defects . I was only 35 years old says says says says says or even 38 . Barely 35 . Statistically , I discovered later , the fertility of a 35-year-old woman has declined only 18 percent from her peak fertility at 21 . That is nowhere near enough to create infertility . During those months of testing , my reproductive system passed every one of the exams given by the clinic . Still , I was told it was probably my age and my eggs , During those same six months of testing , my husband had to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says says says 's it . He was n't even asked to go in for a physical . Only after my infertility was disproved in every way known to science , did he once have to take down his pants for a doctor . My husband is five years older than I am . A man 's fertility , like a woman 's , declines as he gets older and the chances of birth defects increase for any fetus he conceives , yet my husband 's age was never brought up as an issue . Never . // The says says says says says the equation // In infertility clinics , I have found it is standard practice to inquire about the woman 's date of birth at every blood taking , ultrasound , or other lab workup . Every time someone in the clinic asked me my date of birth , I felt a stab of guilt . I felt an increased sense of hopelessness and desperation . When I asked the nurses why they had to keep inquiring about my date of birth , they said they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ results says says says says says 's . These clinics do n't have more patients than , say , my high school had students , yet no one in my high school needed to recite her date of birth to pick up her report card . Considering the amount of attention focused on women 's age when it comes to fertility , if the clinics really needed a way of distinguishing clients , could n't they ask for the middle name instead ? Or a street address ? As it turned out , the doctors could find nothing wrong with either my says says says says says were part of the 10 percent of couples experiencing infertility for an unexplained reason . Our prescribed treatment was that I should inject myself daily in my belly . The drugs-Progesterone , Fertinex , Lupron , and hCG-were all recent inventions . The drug description sheets had entries like , " Drug Interactions : no drug/drug interaction studies have yet been conducted . " Not too reassuring . These drugs , which came with an endless list of warning signs at which to contact @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The injections says says says says says , meaning I would have to carry around the drug kit and excuse myself from public gatherings to shoot up in the bath room . Every few days I would have to drive to the clinic to have my blood taken and get an ultrasound in order to make sure my ovaries were n't growing so large they might burst . These appointments would always be in the morning , which meant I would be late to work 15 percent of the time for the duration of the treatment . If I had had a normal says says says says says important , I can not imagine that I would not have been fired or seriously reprimanded . I was not surprised that the treatment should center on me . From all the fuss that had been made about my age , I had already assumed my guilt . But , although the medical profession pretended otherwise , I still considered my husband part of the team . When I was told to start the injections , I asked , " What can my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ doctor looked surprised says says says says says He said there just was n't much research on increasing male fertility . He said maybe my husband could take some vitamin C or wear boxers , if they did n't bother him too much . If they did n't bother him too much . That was the moment when I began to suspect something strange was going on . In the waiting rooms of infertility clinics , mostly what you see are women . They are neatly dressed , careful with their makeup , they look down at their hands . The few men in says says says says says in their chairs , look around curiously , their heads up . They 're just visiting . Myself , I started dressing younger and sexier for appointments at the clinic-tighter shirts , lipstick . I felt maybe then the nurses and doctors would n't look at me with such blame . In studies of couples with infertility , the woman , more than the man , tends to let the infertility emotionally become hers , even when her partner is known to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , women begin to says says says says says area of life . They question themselves in jobs , in love , in sex . They withdraw from their friends and family who have , or are about to have , children . Many withdraw from their spouses . Relationships break up or suffer serious damage . The women feel that if they are not going on to the stage of child rearing , then old age and death are the next stops on the train of their lives . They think old . They think about death . This is not an exaggeration . says says says says says reaction . I , myself , went through a completely classic infertility depression . Almost a year into the treatment , I learned that some scientists have posited that male fertility worldwide has dropped dramatically in the last 30 years-perhaps as much as 50 percent . In all my 53 visits to the infertility clinic none of my 8 doctors , 22 nurses , 9 phlebotomists , etc. , mentioned this dramatic finding . Not even as a by-the-way bit of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fertility is so easy to says says says says says 's fertility is as unchangeable as a rock . I do not accept that my sister 's life should be put at risk rather than her husband lose his fertility . I do not accept that women are the ones who always have to take care of the contraceptives . And I refuse to accept that my life is considered so worthless that I could be told to take life-threatening drugs more easily than the doctor could request that my husband change his style of underwear . 10 Author Affiliation Audrey Schulman 's new novel ' says says says says says will be published by William Morrow in September . // <p> 
##2001852 For Australian women , tampons have become a taxing situation . BY EJ PATRICK Photograph Tanya Tampon is all for pulling the plug on the tampon tax . // TAMPONS ARE NOT NECESSARY , or so Australian women are being told . July marks the kickoff for the Australian Goods and Services Tax ( GST ) , the new system that will reduce the government 's slice of workers ' paychecks while slapping a 10 percent levy on the price of almost all consumer goods , except most food and necessary health products says says says says says menarche ( and let 's face it , that 's a lot of us ) would define sanitary products as " necessary " rather than as a luxury , the distinction seems lost on the conservative Liberal-National Coalition government , which has refused to add them to the list of GST-exempt health goods-a list that includes condoms , lubricants , and sunscreens . " I was n't aware that menstruation was an illness , " Health Minister Michael Wooldridge told the Australian media in defense of the decision . In @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says added , " As a bloke , I 'd like shaving cream exempt , but I 'm not expecting it to be . " It 's enough to make a woman see red . " If five million women did without these products , our public health would be compromised , " countered Jenny Macklin , health minister for the opposing Labor party " The same can not be said of shaving cream . It 's a very sad day when the public health benefits of female hygiene products have to be explained to the health says says says says says that day has come . " To imply that a tampon is an indulgent purchase-a special payday treat -is to invite a groundswell of indignation . And indeed , protesters mobilized rapidly over the Internet . The Women 's Electoral Lobby ( WEL ) , a national nonpartisan political organization that has been a strong voice for Australian feminist lobbying , posted a petition on its Web site that attracted more than ten thousand names in just four weeks and was presented to Parliament in mid-February . The WEL @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says and " No Bleedin ' Tax ! " Outside Parliament House in Canberra , Erica Lewis , the national spokesperson for the WEL , read from a " Sanitary Pad Declaration , " printed on red paper and stuck onto sanitary pads , which presented the WEL 's arguments to the waiting press contingent . Students from the University of Wollongong calling themselves the Menstrual Avengers , clad in red capes and wearing mock blood-stained underwear as outerwear , pelted several senators with tampons as they attended a federal cabinet ministers ' meeting in the East says says says says says Although Minister for Education David Kemp was reportedly struck on the head by a tampon , reports of injury , to his ego or otherwise , have yet to be confirmed . In the coastal town of Murwillumbah , where Prime Minister John Howard was meeting with rural voters , one inventive protester , a.k.a . Tanya Tampon , clad in a full-body tampon outfit , shadowed the prime minister , her tampon string in one hand and a placard proclaiming " Stick your GST " in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says communicating with the WEL and the National Union of Students through the feminist mailing list , Ausfem-Polnet , prepared a national day of action . On February 25 , women took to the streets in Sydney , Melbourne , Brisbane , Canberra , Adelaide , Darwin , and Perth . Some wore T-shirts that read " I bleed and I vote . " Others chanted " Keep your bleeding tax off our Tampax . " WHEN THE LIBERAL-NATIONAL Coalition won the federal election in 1998 , it did so on a platform of far-reaching tax reform says says says says says , however , Australian voters elected the small watchdog party , the Australian Democrats , to its traditional position of holding the balance of power in the Senate , The Democrats pledged to make some food and health products exempt from the new GST , and when they allowed the bill to pass into law in 1999 , their amendments were written into the legislation . What was missing from the fine print , however , was the classification of sanitary products . Their omission from negotiations @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says says passed on to consumers in the form of higher prices , had been removed from sanitary products more than 50 years ago . As tampons and pads had been wholesale tax-exempt for so long , no one guessed that the government would now apply a new retail tax . " No women 's group raised the issue of tax treatment of sanitary products in the Senate inquiry , and so the issue was simply not on our radar screen , " explained the Democrats Leader , Senator Meg Lees . " But now that the issue says says says says says government should acknowledge that the perception is that the tax system is discriminatory . " Although the health minister has the power to rectify the oversight with a stroke of his pen , the government remains unmoved , claiming that an exemption would open the floodgates to the demands of special interest groups . In a radio interview , Prime Minister Howard made the government 's stance clear : " The more exemptions you have , the more pressure there is to have still more exemptions @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says says says We 've got it through the Parliament . It is now the law , and I 'm opposed to any further exemptions . " Key Liberal-National Coalition party women broke ranks to oppose the government 's stance . " I think they 've got this one wrong , " said the New South Wales Liberal Leader , Kerry Chikarovski . " I 'd urge my federal colleagues to grant an exemption for tampons . " Liberal Minister of Parliament Trish Draper stressed that tampons and pads are not an impulse buy . " Women do not says says says says says , " she told the Canberra Times . " I will be making representations about this matter to the treasurer . " But even with Liberal ministers opposing the tampon tax , it seems it 's here to stay . On March 15 , the federal opposition presented an amendment to the government proposing that sanitary products receive the tax exemption . The amendment was defeated along party lines , 73 to 64 . Of course , we 're only talking about five extra Australian @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of says says says says says or pads , but the price for the coalition government might be much higher . Since voting is mandatory in Australia , and polls show that 70 percent of the people oppose the tampon tax , politicians who support it have cause to worry . As Erica Lewis told Ms. , " Once a month , women will remember the decision . " Sidebar High Anxiety Sidebar In May , the European Union began regulating its aviation industry to protect Sidebar flight crews from cosmic radiation-the higher we fly above the earth 's surface , the says says says says says EU directive came just in time for what is considered a peak phase in solar flare activity ( storms on the sun 's surface ) , which can increase cosmic radiation one hundredfold . Since research indicates that ionizing radiation from the sun can cause birth defects , the new law requires airlines to notify employees of risks and limit the exposure of pregnant crew members . British Airways now grounds employees once they declare pregnancy . In the U.S. , meanwhile , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ radiation risks says says says says says n't require airlines to inform their crews or passengers . According to the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency , flight crew members receive higher radiation doses than 95 percent of other " exposed " workers , including most nuclear power plant technicians . Many , however , are unaware of the risks . Robert Barish , a medical physicist and author of The Invisible Passenger : Radiation Risks for People Who Fly , says , " it makes no sense that those who are in the highest exposed worker group in the U.S. know absolutely nothing about says says says says says are way behind in the Sidebar U.S. , " agrees Candace Kolander , a coordinator at the Association of Flight Attendants , AFLCIO . " As a flight attendant , I should be able to make an informed decision . " According to Barish " one long flight can equal one to two chest x-rays . " And one study established a link between flight crews and increased instances of breast cancer . But more research needs to be done , especially on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ such study , says says says says says attendants , is underway at the National Institute of Occupational Safety and Health and should be finished in 2003 . Barish says that frequent Sidebar fliers should monitor their exposure , and pregnant women should know that flying during a solar flare could increase the risk of birth defects or cause a miscarriage . ACTION ALERT- Urge the FAA to require airlines to inform passengers and crews of cosmic radiation risks . Write the Office of Regulation and Certification , Federal Aviation Administration , Room 908 , 800 Independence Avenue , S.W. , Washington , D.C. says says says says says 202 ) 267-9675. -Jennifer Block Sidebar AUSTRIA The Haider House Rules Sidebar first Austria 's new , ultraright-wing government took aim at Sidebar immigrants ; then it moved on to women , Barely a day after officials of the new coalition government took office last February , they slashed the Ministry of Women 's Affairs and sent the country 's women 's groups scrambling . The ministry , which funded approximately 8o organizations and served as a clearinghouse for women 's concerns @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as those for labor says says says says says budget and responsibilities of the women 's ministry were incorporated into the Ministry for Social Affairs and Generations . Since the end of World War 11 , two parties have dominated Austrian politics : the conservative Peo Sidebar ple 's party and the progressive Social Democrats . For decades , the latter has run the country and paved the way for the establishment of the Ministry of Women 's Affairs in 199o . " The new government says it will make policy for women , so there 's no need for their own ministry , " says says says says says Since Joerg Haider , the former leader of the Freedom party ( a coalition member ) , has called feminist empowerment a mistake , it 's doubtful women 's issues will be a priority . " Basically , " says Verena Kaselitz , an advocate with the Austrian Women 's Shelter Network , " this means back to the stove ' for women . " Rossman adds : " The new government does not want to give . money to women @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cizing the new coalition . says says says says says time , demonstrations against the new government were rocking Austria almost daily . Although officials appealed to women to wait and see how the closure of the ministry pans out , " there is no sign whatsoever that women 's protests against the new government will die down , " says Kaselitz . ACTION ALERT : To support Austrian women 's groups and call for a reinstatement of the ministry , send a letter to President Thomas Klestil > Hof burg , A-lolo , Vienna , Austria > email : **25;1008;TOOLONG ; or write to Chancellor says says says says says Ballhausplatz , A-1010 , Vienna , Austria > e-mail : **28;1035;TOOLONG -Nicole Saunders Author Affiliation EJ Patrick is an Australian journalist currently living in New York City . // <p> 
##2001853 A mass gay wedding in San Francisco , June 29 , 1996 // IT WAS 1972 . I SAT IN BOSTON 'S GOVERNMENT Center after dutifully submitting my parents ' names so I could get my first passport . The middle-aged white woman who had asked me to step into an office kept her voice deliberately soft and reassuring . She wanted us to have privacy , she informed me , because it seemed that my mother and father may not have been married . " Ummm , " I responded thoughtfully . says says says says says this news had been upsetting to some people , even making newly informed " bastards " feel faint . I scurried from her office , wondering what planet she 'd been living on . Growing up in my own working-class , mostly black Boston neighborhood in the 1950s and ' 60s , I 'd known as many unmarried long-term couples as married ones . And their legal status had never seemed to add to or detract from their happiness , prosperity , or the number of their children hoping to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says of marriage looms in my thoughts as it never has since that day in Boston . The legal status of lesbian and gay relationships is on the minds of queer activists , religious conservatives , and politicians from coast to coast . In Vermont , the promise of legal protection for gay couples set queer travel agents to redesigning their New England foliage brochures . Conversely , in California voters faced Proposition 22 , also known as the Knight initiative , which forbids recognition of homosexual marriage of any kind , whatever state hosts the ceremony says says says says says **32;1164;TOOLONG activists statewide , from the woods of Mt . Shasta to the beaches of San Diego . Nevertheless , it passed , with more than 60 percent of voters backing it . The issue of gay marriage is n't going away . Yet no one seems to be asking , what do lesbians really think about marriage ? Growing girls ( which includes lesbians ) are still taught that marriage is the ultimate prize and the seat of female selfworth . The lesson delivered by family members , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says marriage is a position of privilege . And who rejects privilege ? Some do . " Of all the things that heterosexuals have that I might want , marriage is not one of them , " says novelist Dorothy Allison , author of Bastard Out of Carolina . " I do n't want it denied to me either . But that just starts another list of things I want from this culture , like good child care , health care , education . I could go on and on . But marriage ... eh ! " says says says says says Allison , were coming to our political consciousness within the feminist movement of the 1970s , when the wedding ring was identified as the final link in the economic chain that held women in social bondage . In reclaiming our consciousness we learned the truth behind the tulle , chiffon , and baby 's breath : the pervasive sexism in our culture was bound to marriage laws that were used against women . Historically the marriage contract has been a bludgeon held over women 's heads and an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says male side of the family . According to the Oxford English Dictionary , the word " wed " originally meant a deposit for security or the state of being pawned . The result has been adult women who even today are invisible on the economic radar screen . In contested divorce cases , the winner is usually the person who can afford the best lawyer , and that 's usually the husband . Yet the notion of parity is n't confined to older feminists . When I asked singer/songwriter Toshi Reagon what she thought about marriage says says says says says like Allison 's : " If somebody says I ca n't have something , I want to know why . It should be for everyone . " The principal of parity feels like the initial step leading us into profoundly deep waters . Professor Margo Okazawa-Rey put it succinctly when I asked her opinion : " Marriage is a patriarchal institution designed to protect men 's interests , particularly around inheritance and other claims of legitimate heirs . ' Why does liberal politics always go for the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says says This is the first time in history that we are experiencing such a full generation of out , activist lesbians-judges , grandmothers , used-car salespeople , movie stars . We have many thousands of socially conscious lesbians in their fifties and sixties who have been out for three or four decades and whose lives are woven into the fabric of the country . Of necessity and out of desire , we have created alternatives to marriage that serve us reasonably well . Many of us have opted for legal ways to ensure our rights . Lesbian says says says says says powers of attorney ; put each other 's names on all their property ; taken out insurance policies on each other ; and created trusts and wills that benefit our partners and address the rights of non-biological families ( making them difficult to break ) . Unfortunately , these solutions ca n't address issues like health insurance , which is one reason that marriage still seems like a cure-all . The dissonance between what we need to protect ourselves and what marriage offers is at the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says says says for Lesbian Rights , which has worked for 23 years to secure family protections for lesbians , gay men , and transgendered people . " If there were something short of marriage that allowed any couple to have basic security and protect themselves , we 'd be talking about a very different fight , " she says . " But there is no meaningful substitute for the right to marry in providing those benefits and protections . I would hope the fight for the the right to marry is not just about gaining the equality and says says says says says , but about transforming the institution and the way society views couples coming together . " Photograph Diane and I say we are engaged . But not to be married . // In fact , there has been little examination in the queer movement of the difference between single-issue politics versus politics with a goal of full-scale social change . The citizens who sat in at southern lunch counters remain iconic heroes for me , but when all is said and done , who really @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fighting says says says says says upon which segregation was based . Yet the current movement for marriage too often encourages lesbians to be more invested in marriage than in change . If marriage is the only goal , achieving it distances us from those in our community who are not interested in living " just like everybody else . " Activist Paula Ettelbrick once wrote : " Marriage is fundamentally a badge of citizenship , a way to create an identity that 's acceptable to our neighbors and families . In the end , our badge of citizenship , however welldeserved says says says says says into the very institution that 's responsible for obliterating sexual expression and autonomy . " The concept of marriage marginalizes " unacceptable " sexual behavior wrote Ettelbrick : " Laws are still on the books covering adultery , fornication , cohabitation , and so on ; while a social stigma is still applied to people , especially women , who are viewed as sexually promiscuous . " But lesbians have reveled in being " unacceptable . " As poetactivist Minnie Bruce Pratt says , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as complex says says says says says 's partner , so there is no one word that adequately reflects who s/he is to me . But lesbian husband ' comes closest . This is how I tell people that , yes , we do both consider ourselves lesbians and yes , there is another , transgendered dimension to who we are . " Minnie Bruce 's perspective underscores the enduring " trans " element that has historically been important to lesbians-transgression . Our transgressive behavior-beginning with not choosing men-is a quality of lesbian life we can not demonize . Marriage as an institution says says says says says acceptable " and transgressive behavior , between the virgin/whore dichotomy . And yet . It 's hard not to crave the traditional-even when we are most committed to creating alternatives . When I asked Kate Kendall the big question- " Would you marry ? " -a wide smile filled her face . -Well , there 's an offer outstanding to my partner , Sandy , if she 'll have me , " she said . And then , there is the wonderful idea @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ " in front says says says says says kind of spectacle our psyches crave . Rituals give us visibility and a place to hang our emotional hats . They can also have a powerful energy that helps solidify our community . Most of us hunger for the celebratory moment in which we get to say : " Hey look what we 're daring to do . We 're scared as hell and hope you 'll help us out ! " The ceremony ( rather than a law ) marks a contract not just between the two partners but also between the partners and their says says says says says an Internet company CEO , and her partner , Judith Jerome , a performer and storyteller , held a lavish event that they called a " reunion , " bringing together their diverse families and friends . " A ceremony is a witnessed action that subtly changes the world around you-for yourselves and your chosen families , " Nelson says . " Our intention was to give our love form and shape . " Some of us are more acerbic about the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of a wedding , says says says says says dykes engage in right before they break up ? " asks Rosio Alvarez , who teaches at the University of Washington . " Maybe a big anniversary party after being together for many years would be better . " But to my mind , rituals serve another significant purpose-conferring the status of adulthood . In a society in which women are often seen by parents as children until they are married , lesbians are inevitably infantalized by relatives . Novelist Randye Lordon writes a lesbian detective series ( the Sydney Sloane Mysteries ) whose protagonist explores says says says says says crime . Lordon 's response to the question of marriage : " I thought about it once , at Christmas , when my mother gave me a rubber purse . It was hideous , and when I learned that she 'd given my three cousins crystal candlesticks , I had to ask why she would give them crystal and her own daughter rubber . Because they 're married , ' she explained as if my question was solid proof that I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in my own family . says says says says says my mother maintained possession of two kitschy china flamingoes I 'd admired when I was a kid . She acted like they were Ming Dynasty except she kept them stored haphazardly in a basement . When my collection of poems , Flamingoes and Bears , was published in 1986 , people gave me gifts representing that coupling-earrings , pins , scarves . Still my mother resisted . But when my partner , Diane Sabin , and I moved into our own home seven years ago , my mother finally dug out the flamingoes and gave them says says says says says feel her unconsciously shifting me from the kid side of the ledger to the adult column . If Diane and I had gone all out with a ceremony rather than just a big , cross-country moving bill , I ca n't imagine what treasures my mother might have dug out of that basement storage area . It is the shape that a ceremony and a piece of paper provide , like a road sign pointing toward maturity and full citizenship @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ unions . Can you make a says says says says says truck or do we need more ? Listening to the passionate responses to the idea of lesbian marriage , I have to conclude that , yes , we do need more-more than a cake with two brides , more than genderneutral vows . If traditional marriage is n't for us , we need to think expansively and profoundly about what might serve as a satisfying replacement . I 'm not that fond of the term " commitment ceremony . " It conjures up images of men in white coats with butterfly nets corralling lesbians into an says says says says says be something . Diane and I chose not to wait for any votes nor to pursue marriage . We 've chosen to identify with the period of time in which most couples claim to have the most fun : Diane and I say we are engaged . But not to be married . It 's a wonderful end in itself . It 's an active verb , as in being connected , involved , attracted , and interacting . @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have not just legal protection but a says says says says says commitment and passion we want to celebrate . In the meantime , Diane and I are engaged . 10 Author Affiliation BY JEWELLE GOMEZ Author Affiliation jewelle Gomez is a novelist , poet , and activist . // <p> 
##2001855 Matters of the heart politicize an accidental activist - BY LIZ WELCH // TSITSI TIRIPANO NEVER INTENDED TO BECOME AN icon of Zimbabwe 's gay rights movement . In fact , she learned the word " lesbian " only after she fled a forced marriage , and her father , who arranged it , took away her two sons . Initially , for Tiripano , who she loved was n't a political issue . But in 1993 , she became the first black woman to join Gays and Lesbians of Zimbabwe ( GALZ says says says says says all-white and all-male organization , which is now mostly black and the nation 's only gay activist group . Through her dogged determination to be herself , this 32year-old woman with a seventh-grade education has become an international spokesperson and role model in a country where the president considers homosexuality a white man 's disease . Racial tensions were brewing in Zimbabwe long before its liberation from Britain in 1980 . Whites make up less than 2 percent of the 11.2 million people yet own more than two thirds of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says distrust between blacks and whites . Predictably , Tiripano 's community frowned on her decision to join the predominantly white GALZ . " People said , Are you mad ? ' " she remembers . " They thought I wanted money from white people . " In GALZ , however , Tiripano finally found a refuge after years of harassment from family and strangers alike . The group 's weekly parties provided an alternative to the nightclubs and bars where gays were routinely disparaged , and she relished new friendships . But then her private life says says says says says became an activist . President Robert Mugabe , Zimbabwe 's ruler since independence , launched a vicious homophobic campaign when his government banned GALZ from Zimbabwe 's International Book Fair in 1995 . Calling homosexuals " sodomites and perverts , " Mugabe declared gays had " no rights at all . " The following year , GALZ 's application to participate in the fair was again rejected , prompting the group to take the government to court . GALZ won , and Tiripano attended the book fair , distributing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says , a throng of students pelted her and a colleague with fruit , then destroyed their stand as the police passively looked on . The next day , her photograph accompanied newspaper reports of the incident , and Tiripano was " outed . " When she returned home to Marondera , an hour from the capital of Harare , another angry mob met her , waving placards and clenched fists . Tiripano was forced to retreat to the capital until the furor settled , but she soon emerged on the world stage as GALZ 's most says says says says says at international gay rights conferences and Amnesty International-sponsored tours . Tsitsi Tiripano is a pseudonym she chose in order to speak freely and have her words published without having to worry about Mugabe 's government tracing the stories and retaliating . Tiripano uses it still , because it is how she is known internationally , though she no longer hides her real name , Poliyana Mangwiro . Sitting in Amnesty International 's New York headquarters last March , the day before a three-week speaking tour in 11 U.S. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says " Tsitsi means mercy , ' tiripano means we 're here . " ' She pauses . " Everyone must have mercy with gays and lesbians because we 're here . " TIRIPANO GREW UP THE OLDEST Photograph // of four children in a small Shona village in Manicaland , a northern Zimbabwean province . The Shona , who make up 71 percent of Zimbabwe 's population , practice polygamy and value women for their ability to procreate . Tiripano never went past the seventh grade because her father refused to pay the tuition , saying says says says says says the investment . " A woman 's wealth depends on her husband , " she explains . In 1982 , at 15 , Tiripano became the second wife to a man 40 years her senior . She shudders remembering . " My father came into my room one morning and said , You no longer live here . Go stay with Mr. Shamu . " ' Despite her protests he was unyielding : " That 's where you belong now . You must go today . " @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says says . " We met during the liberation in 1979 . We were comrades and stayed in the same barracks . And then we started kissing . . . " She interrupts the sentence with a big laugh . " I was so jealous-I did n't want other girls to come near her . " At that point , Tiripano did n't know what being gay meant . " There 's a Shona word , ngochani , which means gay . ' I remember wondering , what does an ngochani look like ? He must stay in says says says says says her first year of marriage , Tiripano gave birth to a son but considered sex with her husband a loathsome chore , one she often refused . " I was more interested in my husband 's first wife ! " she says , smiling . " All the time , I was pushing to sleep with her . " Her husband complained to Tiripano 's father , who forced her to see a traditional healer . " If you do n't want to have sex with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says says says says says you to be cured . " The healer had her bathe in an herbal mixture , as if , she says , " I could wash my lesbianism away . " Tiripano was n't " cured , " and so , pregnant with her second son , she fled to Breaside , a small town near Harare , where she stayed with a friend and sold vegetables to feed her family . Two years later , her father tracked her down and demanded that she return to her husband . When she refused , he took says says says says says sanctioned by patriarchal customs . " He thought I would teach them to be gay , " she sighs . Ironically , Tiripano did n't even know the word " lesbian " until she met a drag queen and his boyfriend in 1988 while living in Harare . " I told them that my partner was a woman , and they said , So you 're a lesbian ? " ' They gave Tiripano a GALZ pamphlet and , she says , " My head @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ women says says says says says FROM 1995 TO 1997 , GALZ MEMbers were constantly harassed by the police , politicians , and the public . State-run newspapers refused to carry GALZ ads yet published letters from readers who denounced homosexuality as immoral . Zimbabwe 's Catholic Church fanned the antigay fires when the bishop 's newsletter referred to homosexuality as a " disorder . " Tiripano , an ex-Catholic , rolls her eyes at that . " I used to go to church , " she says , " but when they said , Homosexuality is condemned by God , ' says says says says says , ' and stayed home . " Photograph Tsitsi Tiripano has received thousands of letters of support from around the world . // A newly politicized Tiripano did , however , want to join activist organizations beyond GALZ , but she encountered homophobia there , too . " Other NGOs said we GALZ members should go to the psychiatric unit to be cured , " she says . Even Amnesty had trouble finding backing in the region . Tor Olsen , Amnesty 's London-based @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ were saying says says says says says , but not publicly . It 'll damage our image . ' " Tiripano has since joined Women in Law and Development in Africa ( WiLDAF ) , a pan-African women 's rights network . But here , too , her sexuality has become an issue . GALZ Program Manager Keith Goddard says , " Tsitsi participates every year as a black lesbian in the 16 Days of Activism Against Gender Violence campaign . But when she tries to sell GALZ T-shirts and put up a stand with GALZ literature , she 's told she ca says says says says says foul with the government . " Despite the obvious hardships , many positive things emerged from the 1996 book fair . Amnesty International named Tiripano one of 50 Human Rights Defenders in 1998 . International accounts of the book fair helped Tiripano 's first girlfriend , now living in Australia , contact her for the first time since they were separated almost 20 years ago . And Tiripano 's sons , now 16 and 18 , are beginning to understand their mother . @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ( and her says says says says says it was only ofter the 1996 book fair that she and her children could honestly discuss her sexual identity . " They asked so many questions , " Tiripano says . " Mom , what 's a lesbian ? ' Why do the police want to put you in jail ? ' Did you steal something ? ' It took me time to explain . One day , they finally asked , Is Auntie Zandele Tiripano 's girlfriend of four years gay , too ? " ' Tiripano has received thousands of letters of support from says says says says says GALZ has also benefited from her exposure . An Internet fund-raising campaign allowed the group to open a center in Harare that offers counseling , legal services , an HIV/AIDS support group , and a hot line . The weekly Friday night parties , which began as a social refuge , are now fund-raisers for political programs . Membership , cutrently 320 strong , is mushrooming , and its impact is rippling into Zimbabwe 's heterosexual community . " Last week , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gay , " Tiripano says says says says says more stunning , Tiripano 's husband joined GALZ in January . " He told me he is joining GALZ because he supported our tremendous work and appreciated the support we have given his wife , " recalls Goddard . Tiripano was flabbergasted . She has remained married to her husband for the sake of the boys , because he pays their tuition . But she ca n't say when , or why , he had a change of heart . Tiripano does know , however , that things are getting better for gays in Zimbabwe . says says says says says member of the National Constitutional Assembly , which was formed by NGOs that lobbied successfully for a new constitution to be voted on by the people , not only parliament . GALZ later submitted a request to the Constitutional Commission-400 Mugabe appointees-to include a sexual orientation clause . Though its request was rejected , GALZ 's campaign was covered on state television and radio for the first time . The increased awareness can be felt on the streets . " If @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ " people used to whisper says says says says says ' " She hisses the words as if they burn her lips . " But now , they are n't saying anything . " Despite the progress , lesbians and gays are certainly not home free . In 1998 , as Mugabe 's popularity hit rock bottom , he launched a new witchhunt . The state-run papers published stories about homosexuals raping men at gunpoint and claimed GALZ was a front for a brothel , which incited public rage . Several GALZ members were harassed , blackmailed , and arrested . Tiripano is unfazed . " says says says says says does n't change me to become straight , " she says . " I 've been through too much . " When not traveling , she 's at the new GALZ center in Harare at least twice a week , counseling people who are coming to terms with their sexuality , as well as those living with HIV/AIDS . But most important , Tiripano is an inspiration . Goddard explains , " She stood up and said , I 'm @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I have children , and I says says says says says is my identity . " ' 10 Sidebar BIOGRAPHY Sidebar BORN : August 3 , 1967 , Harare , Zimbabwe RESIDES : Marondera , Zimbabwe EDUCATION : Grade 7 ACTIVIST : Gays and Lesbians of Zimbabwe ( GALZ ) Author Affiliation Liz Welch is a freelance writer living in New York City . Author Affiliation Liz Welch Author Affiliation When she left her job as the assistant to Vanity Fair 's editor in chief three years ago , Liz Welch wanted to focus full-time on writing . Since then , she has traveled as far as says says says says says of stories like her profile of Tsitsi Tiripano ( " Tsitsi Tiripano , " page 12 ) . Welch has also written for New York , Harper 's Bazaar , and Glamour magazines and wrote the profile of Bina Akhter ( " Facing the World " ) in our June/July 1999 issue . // <p> 