
##2001665 I am very proud of the fact that I have never ( well , hardly ever ) actually sent my kids off to watch TV just to get them out of my hair . I 'm less proud of the fact that I do n't exert very strong controls over what they watch ; and there have even been times when I have caught an image of a horrendous act of violence out of the corner of my eye ... and kept walking . When they were little , they were content to mellow out over endless reruns of Mister Rogers ' Neighborhood , but as they got older -- they are now eight and ten -- and once we acquired a remote control , they began to graze around the dial and learned to snap back to something safe at the sound of an approaching adult . I do try to limit the number of hours they watch , and I 'm pretty good at enforcing the no-TV-before-homework rule ; overall my children certainly watch less than the national average of three and a half hours a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ full-time child care as to my moral authority . Parents caught between the demands of a workday and the obscenely outdated 3:00 P.M. school dismissal time have every reason to argue that watching TV -- any kind of TV -- is preferable to most of the alternatives . ) But I must confess it makes me tired just to achieve that level of control ; so when it comes to restricting content , I do n't always have it in me to take on the philosophical questions of why violence is bad ( because it rarely solves anything ; because innocent people get hurt ; because it is damaging to the soul ) and why violence on TV is also bad , but in a different way ( because by making it entertaining , TV shows trivialize it ; because on TV violence is both glorified and simplified ; and because it even gives people ideas ) . When I have tried to engage them in dialogue over the issue , I find my children 's sophistry daunting : Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is not violent , they claim , because @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ MacGyver is not harmful , because the hero does n't carry a gun ; and , besides , they argue , both of the above are hard to distinguish from the news shows grownups watch . They would not be impressed , although I am , by statistics assembled in a 1992 TV Guide study that put cartoons at the top of the list of violent fare , followed by toy commercials ( ! ) . And although MacGyver may be unarmed , the promotions for his show were cited as having among the highest number of incidents of gunplay and physical assault ; the newscasts aired only a tame fraction of the same . The National Center for Juvenile Justice estimates that there were 247,000 violent crimes committed by minors in 1992 ( the most recent year for which data are available ) . We know that before they are out of grade school , most of our children have seen some 8,000 murders and 100,000 acts of violence on television . Any parent can tell you that there is a connection between these numbers , regardless of the ongoing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Weekend readers , 86 percent said that they " notice changes in their kids ' behavior after they 've seen a violent show . " While some parents I know witness increased aggressiveness , there are other responses ; I have found that sometimes my kids become more passive , detached , " spaced out . " It seems that boys are more drawn to the shows and more agitated by them ; girls , for the most part , are repelled , even saddened by them . Whether these differences in children 's responses are a function of nature or environment is a perplexing issue for parents , one that highlights the gray area between cause and effect -- and therefore complicates the debate over suggested remedies . For example , a bill proposed by Senators Daniel Inouye ( D.-Hawaii ) and Ernest Hollings ( D.-S.C. ) to limit the kinds of shows broadcast during peak viewing hours for children raises important questions about freedom and responsibility . Proponents of the bill point to studies that show children exposed to a heavy diet of blood and guns become desensitized to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fearful of becoming victims . But the very persuasive arguments against such legislation center around the risks of censorship . Television 's First Amendment protection is limited by a federal statute that instructs the Federal Communications Commission to make sure that TV stations operate in the " public interest . " But any further effort to restrict content opens a Pandora 's box . Whenever I say to myself , " Children should n't be allowed to see this stuff ! " I am reminded that the same motives were behind efforts I deplored to remove from library shelves such " offensive material " as The Diary of Anne Frank , The Adventures of Tom Sawyer , and Our Bodies , Ourselves . Efforts to explain the relationship between violence imagined and violence committed lead into other mazes . World-renowned child psychologist Bruno Bettelheim made the disturbing observation that the ghoulish fairy tales that show up in every culture are necessary vehicles for children to work out their violent impulses and to come to terms with their own hearts of darkness . My own childhood experience with grim fairy tales ( @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me leary of parental prudishness . I remember my mother reading me a story called " The Girl Who Trod on a Loaf . " It went something like this : " There was a very vain girl who loved her beautiful clothes . One muddy day she went out to buy bread , and on the way home , she came across a big puddle . She did n't want to get her party shoes dirty so she put the loaf down and stepped on it instead ... " And ? And nothing . I must have seen that there were more pages to the story , or perhaps I sensed my mother 's internal censor cutting the narrative off , because soon after I was able to read , I went back to that story and found that indeed it goes on , into a horrendous climax in which the girl is sucked through the mud puddle into a subterranean hell where she is punished for her vanity . To this day it is the only fairy tale I remember , and the horror of the story is compounded @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ subterfuge . The Television Violence Reduction Through Parental Empowerment Act -- better known as the V-Chip Bill -- proposed by Edward Markey ( D.-Mass. ) would do just what my mother tried to do : banish the bad stun : There is something too neat and clean about putting a microchip in the TV that would alert parents to violent programming and allow them to block it out . It has obvious immediate appeal , but does it give parents the false confidence that by pushing a button , they have fulfilled their responsibility to articulate and " sell " their values to their children ? And how would you protect your children from the promos for the off-limits violent movies and series that , according to the TV Guide study , " have become a major source of televised violence " ? On a strictly pragmatic level , I know that the Girl-Who-Trod-on-a-Loaf principle will ensure that my children will ultimately see the proscribed show -- most likely at a friend 's house -- at which time they will probably pay closer attention than usual because of the taboo at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by Walter Wink , a professor of biblical interpretation at Auburn Theological Seminary in New York City . In his book Engaging the Powers , Wink writes that " violence is so successful as a myth precisely because it does not appear to be mythic in the least . Violence simply appears to be the nature of things . " Children 's entertainment , says Wink , reflects the " myth of redemptive violence " as played out in the classic plot line : " Children identify with the good guys so that they can think of themselves as good . This enables them to project out onto the bad guy their own repressed anger , violence , rebelliousness , or lust and then vicariously to enjoy their own evil by watching the bad guy initially prevail .... When the good guy finally wins , viewers are then able to reassert control over their own inner tendencies , repress them , and reestablish a sense of goodness . Salvation is guaranteed through identification with the hero . " The redemptive value of this morality play is challenged by such real-life findings @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at the University of Michigan who monitored a group of kids for over 20 years . He concluded that the more frequently they watched violent television at age eight , the more serious were the crimes they were convicted of by 30 , the more aggressive their behavior when drinking , and the harsher the punishment they inflicted on their own children . The crusading founder of Action for Children 's Television , Peggy Charren , responds to such studies with characteristic directness : " Poverty is what you fix if you want to do something about violence . " She spoke at a TV Guide symposium on television violence and children , where she described the work she has done to bring about changes in children 's programming ; although her group no longer exists , its mission has been picked up by the Washington , D.C.-based Center for Media Education . Meanwhile , public anxiety is rising to a desperate level . A Times Mirror Center for the People &; the Press study has found that 80 percent of those interviewed felt violence on TV was " harmful to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ What can we do ? First of all , we can protest -- to the stations , the producers , the advertisers . ( We should also praise , with equal vigor , shows that please us . ) We can urge them to adopt a rating system that will alert parents to particularly lethal shows -- ABC recently announced an 800-number to call or parental advisories on specific programming . We can try harder to monitor the programs that our kids watch . And we can try to put simulated violence into a larger moral context . A recurrent worry expressed at the congressional hearings was that young viewers are seeing a sanitized kind of punching , stabbing , and killing . How to reconnect violence with pain and suffering in their minds ? " Make it grisly , " advises TV critic Marvin Kitman . When Gloucester is blinded in the 1983 Granada TV production of King Lear , Kitman reminds us , we are forced to focus on " those bloody rags " he uses to cover the ravaged eye sockets , which " said something special about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have identified a positive use for the " if it bleeds , it leads " format embraced by most local TV news programs : a reality fix on violence . When we invite our children to join us watching the news ( after stressing to them that the world is not a uniformly violent place , that good and peaceful deeds are taking place all the time , only not on camera ) we might be able to use the litany of crime and cruelty as " bloody rags " -- reminders that when violence strikes , real people bleed and suffer and die , and real people mourn them . One local television station -- WCCO in Minneapolis -- is trying out a " family sensitive " five o'clock news broadcast that reports crime but saves the pictures for eleven . This format has possibilities , but it remains to be seen whether newswriters will take the opportunity to create an instructive context that could help families deal with the crime stories . In the opposite vein , we can find ways to heighten a child 's awareness of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ real actor appear to be blown apart by a submachine gun . I would welcome a violence counterpart to a very effective aid I have found for explaining advertising to my kids . I taped an HBO special called Buy Me That that demystifies the techniques used by makers of commercials for children 's toys . One segment begins by showing an ad in which several kids are hopping happily on a sort of pogo stick , as if it were the easiest thing in the world ; then the toy is given to a group of real kids who try to hop . They fall off ; they hurt themselves ; many give up . In another segment , the maker of cereal commercials explains that glue is poured onto cereal ( yuk ! ) because it looks whiter than milk . My kids watch the show over and over and are experts at detecting similar gimmicks in TV commercials . The spell has clearly been broken . It would certainly be possible to do the same with scenes of violence : to explain exactly how blood shows up on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ noise of a punch is made or how a retractable knife blade simulates a stabbing : and it would be great to interview a stunt man or woman about the athletic expertise it takes to jump from a building or simply to fall down dead . Another kind of remedial programming would dramatize convincing alternatives to a body blow . We know that , in the same way that violent families produce violent children , a limited vocabulary of alternatives for conflict resolution produces a reflexive use of violence . Elizabeth Thoman , executive director of the Center for Media Literacy in Los Angeles , advises parents to explore with their children alternatives to stories that focus on violence as the solution to interpersonal conflict . In the same vein , Kitman proposes a policy modeled on the fairness doctrine , which used to require giving equal airtime to conflicting political points of view . It would mandate a balance of programs that deal with conflict and anger in ways that are nonviolent . Kitman 's suggestion recalls the truism that television 's weakness is also its strength : it is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Dr. Deborah Prothrow-Stith of the Harvard School of Public Health is thinking of ways to use the best of the medium to combat the worst . She suggests the campaign against smoking as an analogy . " We went from thinking it was the most glamorous thing in the world to finding it offensive and unhealthy , " she points out at the TV Guide symposium . " How did we do that ? It was education in the classroom . It was working with the media . We banned the advertising of cigarettes on television . " She thinks we can perform a similar change of attitudes about violence . So does Charren , who has an imaginative suggestion of her own , a " media-literacy merit badge " for Girl and Boy Scouts . " It 's a way to teach kids that the violence you see on television is not the solution to problems , " she says . While such ideas are building toward a nationwide campaign to heal the bruised hearts and minds of our children , I take my hat off to one innovative father @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons , but only if the child would imagine a fifth turtle named Gandhi . Later they would discuss how " Ninja Gandhi " might get the turtles out of trouble without violence . I am equally impressed by the legendary parent who lures her kids away from the evil box with an invitation to an impromptu spring picnic . But my true ( and secret ) role model is the one who can effectively command " Turn the TV off -- now ... because I say so ! " I am none of the above . But I 'm trying . And I believe that as long as we keep struggling with the system and with our children , we are teaching at the only level that really counts -- by what we do , not what we say . Suzanne Braun Levine , editor of the " Columbia Journalism Review , is editor emerita of " Ms. " <p> 
##2001666 In 1983 , when I was in college , local antiabortion protesters commemorated the tenth anniversary of Roe v. Wade with a rally . Our student feminist organization held a small counterdemonstration . Frantic in their zeal , anti-choice protesters assailed us with epithets like " slut " and " bitch . " But the most hostile remark was directed at me . I was confronted by an angry nun whose " Abortion Is Murder " sign hung tiredly at her side . She stopped in front of me and aimed a pugnacious finger . " You see ? " she announced . " God even let you be born ! " I 'm not sure the sister realized that I had been part of the pro-choice demonstration . All she saw in me was a poster child for her holy crusade . I must have seemed to her an obvious mistake of nature : a severely disabled person , who , through a combination of divine intervention and legal restrictions , had been born anyway . That was my first inkling of how attitudes about disability function @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that the nun and her co-crusaders were no friends of mine . To her , I was a former fetus who had escaped the abortionists . No room in that view for my identity as an adult woman ; no room for the choices I might make . Now , more than a decade later , antiabortion groups are courting the disability community . The approach has become less clumsy , emphasizing respect for the lives of people with disabilities , and some activists have accepted the anti-choice message because they find it consistent with the goals of the disability rights movement . As a feminist , however , I recoil at the " pro-life " movement 's disregard for the lives and freedom of women . But I can not overlook the fact that when a prenatal test reveals the possibility of a " major defect , " as the medical profession puts it , the pregnancy almost always ends in " therapeutic abortion . " The prospect of bearing a child with disabilities causes such anxiety that abortion has become the accepted outcome -- even among people who oppose @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ played a key role in the legalization of abortion in the United States in the 1960s . When thousands of pregnant women who had taken thalidomide ( a drug used in tranquilizers ) or had contracted rubella ( German measles ) gave birth to children with " defects , " doctors called for easing abortion laws . Today , despite three decades of activism by the disability community , and substantial disability rights legislation , avoiding disability is an important factor in the use and regulation of abortion . In a 1992 Time/CNN survey , for example , 70 percent of respondents favored abortion if a fetus was likely to be born deformed . This is the quandary we face : the choices we all seek to defend -- choices individual women make about childbirth -- can conflict with efforts to promote acceptance , equality , and respect for people with disabilities . I am inseparably committed to the empowerment of both people with disabilities and women . Therefore , my pro-choice stance must lie somewhere in the common ground between feminism and disability rights . I want to analyze social @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about where all of this may lead . I want to defy patriarchy 's attempts to control women , and also to challenge an age-old bias against people with disabilities . I want to discuss the ethics of choice -- without advocating restrictions on choice . To draw a parallel , feminists have no problem attacking sex-selective abortion used to guarantee giving birth to a child of the " right " sex ( most often male ) , but we try to educate against the practice , rather than seek legislation . In an effort to clarify my own thinking about these complex , interlocking issues , I have been reading and listening to the words of other disabled women . Diane Coleman , a Nashville-based disability rights organizer , is deeply concerned about the number of abortions based on fetal disability . Coleman sees this as " a way that society expresses its complete rejection of people with disabilities , and the conviction that it would be better if we were dead . " I find myself sharing her indignation . Julie Reiskin , a social worker in Denver who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tells me , " I live with a disability , and I have a hard time saying , ' This is great . ' I think that the goal should be to eliminate disabilities . " It jars me to hear this , but Reiskin makes a further point that I find helpful . " Most abortions are not because there 's something wrong with the fetus , " she says . " Most abortions are because we do n't have decent birth control . " In other words , we should never have to use fetal disability as a reason to keep abortion legal : " It should be because women have the right to do what we want with our bodies , period , " says Reiskin . We are a diverse community , and it 's no surprise to find divergent opinions on as difficult an issue as abortion . Our personal histories and hopes , viewed through the lens of current circumstances , shape our values and politics . Like all the women I interviewed , I must be guided by my own experiences of living with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not walk . Once I was diagnosed -- I have a rare neuromuscular condition -- doctors told my parents that I would live only another year or two . Do n't bother about school , they advised ; just buy her a few toys and make her comfortable until the end . My parents ignored the doctors ' advice . Instead of giving up on me , they taught me to read . They made sure I had a child-size wheelchair and a tricycle . My father built a sled for me , and when the neighborhood kids went to the park to fly downhill in fresh snow , he pulled me along . My mother performed much of my physical care , but was determined not to do all of it ; college students helped out in exchange for housing . She knew that her own wholeness and my future depended on being able to utilize resources outside our home . Now my life is my own . I have a house , a career , a partner , and a community of friends with and without disabilities . I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ computer for my writing , and the assistance of Medicaid-funded attendants for daily needs -- dressing , bathing , eating , going to the bathroom . I manage it all according to my own goals and needs . My life contradicts society 's stereotypes about how people with disabilities live . Across the country , thousands of other severely disabled people are surviving , working , loving , and agitating for change . I do n't mean to paint a simplistic picture . Most of us work very hard to attain independence , against real physical and/or financial obstacles . Too many people are denied the kind of daily in-home assistance that makes my life possible . Guaranteeing such services has become a top priority for the disability rights movement . Changes like these , amounting to a small revolution , are slow to reach the public consciousness . Science , on the other hand , puts progress into practice relatively quickly . Prenatal screening seems to give pregnant women more power -- but is it actually asking women to ratify social prejudices through their reproductive " choices " ? I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a woman terminates a previously wanted pregnancy expressly to avoid giving birth to a disabled child , she is buying into obsolete assumptions about that child 's future . And she is makingg a statement about the desirability or the relative worth of such a child . Abortion based on disability results from , and in turn strengthens , certain beliefs : children with disabilities ( and by implication adults with disabilities ) are a burden to family and society ; life with a disability is scarcely worth living ; preventing the birth is an act of kindness ; women who bear disabled children have failed . Language reinforces the negativity . Terms like " fetal deformity " and " defective fetus " are deeply stigmatizing , carrying connotations of inadequacy and shame . Many of us have been called " abnormal " by medical personnel , who view us primarily as " patients , " subject to the definitions and control of the medical profession . " Medical professionals often have countless incorrect assumptions about our lives , " says Diane Coleman . " Maybe they see us as failures @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who diagnose fetuses with disabilities often recommend either abortion or institutionalization , " I really have n't heard very many say , ' It 's O.K. to have a disability , your family 's going to be fine , ' " Coleman says . The independent living movement , which is the disability community 's civil rights movement , challenges this medical model . Instead of locating our difficulties within ourselves , we identify our oppression within a society that refuses to accommodate our disabilities . The real solution is to change society -- to ensure full accessibility , equal opportunity , and a range of community support services -- not to attempt to eliminate disabilities . The idea that disability might someday be permanently eradicated -- whether through prenatal screening and abortion or through medical research leading to " cures " -- has strong appeal for a society wary of spending resources on human needs . Maybe there lurks , in the back of society 's mind , the belief -- the hope ? -- that one day there will be no people with disabilities . That attitude works against @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ struggle for integration , access , and support services , yet our existence remains an unresolved question . Under the circumstances , we can not expect society to guarantee and fund our full citizenship . My life of disability has not been easy or carefree . But in measuring the quality of my life , other factors -- education , friends , and meaningful work , for example have been decisive . If I were asked for an opinion on whether to bring a child into the world , knowing she would have the same limitations and opportunities I have had , I would not hesitate to say , " Yes . " I know that many women do not have the resources my parents had . Many lack education , are poor , or are without the support of friends and family . The problems created by these circumstances are intensified with a child who is disabled . No woman should have a child she ca n't handle or does n't want . Having said that , I must also say that all kinds of women raise healthy , self-respecting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ . Raising a child with disabilities is difficult , but raising any child is difficult ; just as you expect any other child to enrich your life , you can expect the same from a child with disabilities . But the media often portray raising a child with disabilities as a personal martyrdom . Disabled children , disabled people , are viewed as misfortunes . I believe the choice to abort a disabled fetus represents a rejection of children who have disabilities . Human beings have a deep-seated fear of confronting the physical vulnerability that is part of being human . This terror has been dubbed " disabiliphobia " by some activists . I confront disabiliphobia every day : the usher who gripes that I take up too much room in a theater lobby ; the store owner who insists that a ramp is expensive and unnecessary because people in wheelchairs never come in ; the talk-show host who resents the money spent to educate students with disabilities . These are the voices of an age-old belief that disability compromises our humanity and requires us to be kept apart and ignored @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ proposed Clinton health plan only people disabled through injury or illness -- not those of us with congenital disabilities -- will be covered . Is this exclusion premised on the assumption that those of us born with disabilities have lesser value and that our needs are too costly ? People with severe disabilities do sometimes require additional resources for medical and support services . But disabiliphobia runs deeper than a cost-benefit analysis . Witness the ordeal of Bree Walker , a Los Angeles newscaster with a mild physical disability affecting her hands and feet . In 1990 , when Walker became pregnant with her second child , she knew the fetus might inherit her condition , as had the first . She chose to continue the pregnancy , which led talk-show hosts and listeners to feel they had the right to spend hours debating whether Walker should have the child ( most said no ) . Walker received numerous hostile letters . The callers and letter writers seemed to be questioning her right to exist , as well as her child 's . Walker 's experience also pointed out how easily @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about people with disabilities . That 's why abortion is an area where we fear that the devaluation of our lives could become enshrined in public policy . Pro-choice groups must work to ensure that they do not support legislation that sets different standards based on disability . A case in point is Utah 's restrictive 1991 antiabortion law ( which has since been declared unconstitutional ) . The law allowed abortions only in cases of rape , incest , endangerment of the woman 's life , a profound health risk to the woman -- or " fetal defect . " According to Susanne Millsaps , director of Utah 's NARAL affiliate , some disability rights activists wanted NARAL and other prochoice groups to join in opposing the " fetal defect " exemption . The groups did not specifically take a stand on the exemption ; instead they opposed the entire law . I would agree that the whole statute had to be opposed on constitutional and feminist grounds . But I would also agree that there should have been a stronger response to the fetal disability exemption . To group @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and life-endangering complications is to reveal deep fears about disability . As Barbara Faye Waxman , an expert on the reproductive rights of women with disabilities , says : " In this culture , disability , in and of itself , is perceived as a threat to the welfare of the mother . I find that to be troublesome and offensive . " There is more at stake here than my feelings , or anyone else 's , about a woman 's decision . Rapidly changing reproductive technologies , combined with socially constructed prejudices , weigh heavily on any decision affecting a fetus with possible disabilities . While some women lack basic prenatal and infant care , huge amounts of money are poured into prenatal screening and genetic research . Approximately 450 disorders can now be predicted before birth . In most cases the tests reveal only the propensity for a condition , not the condition itself . The Human Genome Project aims to complete the DNA map , and to locate hundreds more physical and developmental attributes . There is little public debate about the worth or ultimate uses of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with regard to abortion that we can no longer afford to ignore : * Does prenatal screening provide more data for women 's informed choices , or does it promote the idea that no woman should risk having a disabled child ? * Who decides whether a woman should undergo prenatal screening , and what she should do with the results ? * Are expensive , government-funded genetic research projects initiated primarily for the benefit of a society unwilling to support disability-related needs ? * Is society attempting to eradicate certain disabilities ? Should this ever be a goal ? If so , should all women be expected to cooperate in it ? The January/February 1994 issue of Disability Rag &; Resource , a publication of the disability rights movement , devoted several articles to genetic screening . In one , feminist lawyer Lisa Blumberg argues that women are being coerced into accepting prenatal tests , and then pressured to terminate their pregnancies when disabling conditions appear likely . " Prenatal testing has largely become the decision of the doctor , " Blumberg writes , and " the social purpose of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of people with disabilities . " A woman faced with this choice usually feels pressure from many directions . Family , friends , doctors , and the media predict all kinds of negative results should her child be disabled . At the same time , she is unlikely to be given information about community resources ; nor is she encouraged to meet individuals who have the condition her child might be born with . This lack of exposure to real-life , nonmedical facts about living with a disability should make us wonder whether women are really making " informed " choices about bearing children with disabilities . Few outside the disability community have dealt with these issues in any depth . " We are all aware of the potential for abuses in reproductive technology and in genetic testing , " says Marcy Wilder , legal director for NARAL 's national office in Washington , D.C. " I do n't see that there have been widespread abuses -- but we 're certainly concerned . " That concern has not led to any coalition-building with disability rights groups , however . Many feminist @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ network with pro-choice groups . Too often , when we object to positions that implicitly doubt the humanity of children born disabled , we are accused of being anti-choice . One activist I know recently told me about her experience speaking at a meeting of a National Organization for Women chapter . She mentioned feeling discomfort about the widespread abortion of disabled fetuses -- and was startled by the members ' reactions . " They said , ' How could you claim to be a feminist and pro-choice and even begin to think that there should be any limitations ? ' I tried to tell them I do n't think there should be limitations , but that our issues need to be included . " On both sides , the fears are genuine , rational , and terrifying -- if not always articulated . For the pro-choice movement , the fear is that questioning the motives and assumptions behind any reproductive decision could give ammunition to antiabortionists . Defenders of disability rights fear that the widespread use of prenatal testing and abortion for the purpose of eliminating disability could inaugurate a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ find ways to address issues of reproductive screening and manipulation , we all face the prospect that what is supposed to be a private decision -- the termination of a pregnancy -- might become the first step in a campaign to eliminate people with disabilities . I am accusing the pro-choice movement not of spurring these trends , but of failing to address them . Most pro-choice organizations do not favor the use of abortion to eliminate disabilities , but their silence leaves a vacuum in which fear of disability flourishes . Disabiliphobia and the " genetics enterprise , " as activist Adrienne Asch calls it , have also had legal implications for the reproductive rights of all women . The tendency to blame social problems such as poverty and discrimination on individuals with disabilities and their mothers has made women vulnerable to the charge that they are undermining progress toward human " perfectibility " -- because they insist on a genuine choice . Some legal and medical experts have developed a concept called " fetal rights , " in which mothers can be held responsible for the condition of their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ " fetal rights " could more accurately be called " fetal quality control . " For women with hereditary disabilities who decide to have children this concept is nothing new . Society and medical professionals have often tried to prevent us from bearing and raising children . Disabled women know , as well as anyone , what it means to be deprived of reproductive choice . More broadly , decisions involving our health care , sexuality , and parenting have been made by others based on assumptions about our inabilities and/or our asexuality . The right to control one 's body begins with good gynecological care . Low income , and dependence on disability " systems , " restrict access to that care . Like many women of disability , my health care choices are limited by the accessibility of medical facilities , and by providers ' attitudes toward disability and their willingness to accept the low reimbursement of Medicaid . And Medicaid will not cover most abortions , a policy that discriminates against poor women and many women with disabilities . Paradoxically , policy is often undermined by practice . @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with disabilities are encouraged to have them even when they would prefer to have a child . Doctors try to convince us an abortion would be best for " health reasons " -- in which case , Medicaid will pay for it after all . " Abortions are easier for disabled women to get , " says Nancy Moulton , a health care advocate in Atlanta , " because the medical establishment sees us as not being fit parents . " Most women grow up amid strong if subtle pressures to become mothers . For those of us with disabilities , there is an equal or greater pressure to forgo motherhood . This pressure has taken the form of forced sterilization , lost custody battles , and forced abortion . Consequently , for women with disabilities , reproductive freedom means more than being able to get an abortion . It is hard for many of us to relate to those in the reproductive rights movement whose primary concern is keeping abortions legal and available . But I believe our different perspectives on reproductive freedom are fundamentally compatible , like variations on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ seem inclined to overlook disability concerns . Feminist speakers might add " ableism " to their standard list of offensive " isms , " but they do little to challenge it . Now more than ever , women with disabilities need the feminist movement 's vigorous support . We need you to defend our rights as if they were your own -- which they are . Here are a few suggestions : * Recognize women with disabilities ' equal stake in the pro-choice movement 's goals . That means accepting us as women , not dismissing us as " other , " or infirm , or genderless . Recognize us as a community of diverse individuals whose health needs , lifestyles , and choices vary . * Defend all our reproductive rights : the right to appropriate education about sexuality and reproduction ; to gynecological care , family planning services , and birth control ; the right to be sexually active ; to have children and to keep and raise those children , with assistance if necessary ; and the right to abortion in accessible facilities , with practitioners who are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ restrict the access of women with disabilities to services . Help to improve physical accessibility , arrange disability awareness training for staff and volunteers , and conduct outreach activities to reach women with disabilities . * Continue struggling to build coalitions around reproductive rights and disability issues . There is plenty of common ground , although we may have to tiptoe through dangerous , mine-filled territory to get to it . * Question the assumptions that seem to make bearing children with disabilities unacceptable . Despite our rhetoric , abortion is not strictly a private decision . Individual choices are made in a context of social values ; I want us to unearth , sort out , and appraise those values . I would n't deny any woman the right to choose abortion . But I would issue a challenge to all women making a decision whether to give birth to a child who may have disabilities . The challenge is this : consider all relevant information , not just the medical facts . More important than a particular diagnosis are the conditions awaiting a child -- community acceptance , access @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ opportunities for education and employment . Where these things are lacking or inadequate , consider joining the movement to change them . In many communities , adults with disabilities and parents of disabled children have developed powerful advocacy coalitions . I recognize that , having weighed all the factors , some women will decide they can not give birth to a child with disabilities . It pains me , but I acknowledge their right and their choice . Meanwhile , there is much work still to be done . Laura Hershey is a writer , poet , and activist . She writes a monthly disability issues column for the Denver " Post . " <p> 
##2001667 I 'm getting married next year and have planned the wedding reception to reflect our lifestyle -- vegetarian . My parents have been calling weekly with reasons why I must serve steak , chicken , or , as they put it , " even fish , " or the guests will leave hungry . For the past five years they 've struggled to understand my food choices . First , they considered vegetarianism a personal rejection of the tuna-noodle casserole and meat loaf they fed me as a girl . They watched as , over the years , I eliminated meat , then fish and shellfish , and finally dairy products and eggs . They worried about my health ; I think they even wondered about my sanity . For a while , I thought they got it . My father was encouraged to lose weight by his doctor . That meant cutting back on fatty meats and the high-cholesterol foods , like butter and cream sauces , in which he indulged regularly . He claims that he likes vegetables ; my mother asserts that red beans and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for all their sensitivity to my way of life , do n't seem to understand that being a vegetarian informs all of my food choices all of the time . It 's not something I can , or want to , turn off when a major social event rolls around , especially my own wedding . People choose to be vegetarians for different reasons . The inspired cooking and healthfulness appealed to me ; concern about animal cruelty motivated my fiance . Often , the reason that you become a vegetarian influences the way you practice vegetarianism . My fiance and I are macrobiotic , which requires mixing specific grains and vegetables . The vegan diet also eliminates all meat and meat by-products ( like eggs or milk ) , but has more of an animal rights than a health focus . The most liberal is a lacto-ovo diet , which allows dairy products and eggs . Some self-defined vegetarians eat fish on occasion , partly because of the heart-healthy benefits associated with fish and partly to make ordering at restaurants and eating at social engagements less disruptive . There are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what are these health benefits ? Picture the food you eat as fuel for your body . Why would you want to muddy up your engine with foods that make you feel sluggish and heavy ? Grains , beans , fruits , and vegetables are easier to break down and digest than meats . Healthy , vegetarian meals give you the energy and nutrients you need to keep going . Besides , animal products are often high in cholesterol and saturated fat , both of which increase the risk of heart disease , stroke , cancer , and other diseases . Fruits , vegetables , grains , and legumes have no cholesterol , and most ( except coconuts and avocados ) have no saturated fat . Recent medical research indicates that many vegetables , specifically members of the cruciferous family such as broccoli , cabbage , and cauliflower , can help prevent cancer . It seems simple : give your body the optimal balance of foods , and it will thank you by running efficiently . Do n't substitute a lot of cheese and other high-fat foods for the meat you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ foods do n't make for good health . Make a conscious decision to include raw fruits and vegetables , whole grains , and beans in your daily diet . If you truly eat a wide enough variety of foods , you do n't have to worry about getting proper nutrition . But just to be on the safe side , be sure to include low-fat , high-fiber whole grains like rice , oats , and millet . To ensure adequate protein , calcium , and iron , eat dark-green leafy vegetables like spinach ; seeds , nuts , and dried fruits ; and seaweeds , legumes , and soy products like tofu and miso . It does n't take extra effort to incorporate any of these into your diet : throw a handful of roasted nuts and sliced pears on your salad , add some canned beans to your soup , or whip up a grain salad using last night 's rice , chopped carrots , and marinated tofu . Because vegetarian food requires fewer resources to grow , it 's eco-friendly as well as healthy . Instead of growing grain @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just eat the grain . One third of the world 's grain is fed to animals , while chronic hunger and malnutrition flourish among humans . It takes 16 pounds of grain to produce a pound of beef and only one pound of grain to produce a pound of bread . Another eco-conscious thing you can do if you have the space and time is to compost . I keep a large bowl in my refrigerator to hold produce scraps ; onion skins , carrot tops , garlic cloves , and herbs can easily become wonderfully rich soup stock . The broth has vital nutrients and fresh taste without the oily residue or salty seasonings of a packaged variety . After about 45 minutes of simmering , I drain the broth into Mason jars and toss the vegetables on the compost heap . In a few months it becomes nutrient-rich soil , which I use to grow more nutrient-rich food . In this way , I minimally impact the Earth , giving rather than depleting her resources . Because I live in San Francisco and have access to fresh local produce @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ . By eating foods that are indigenous to my area , I 've made a deliberate connection to my food , and I can show my support for local growers . I do not need to have every kind of food created on this earth available for my consumption . I 've become a more aware and responsible consumer . As an added motivation , going vegetarian is also cost-efficient . Of course , it all depends on how you do it . Pesticide-free organic produce is generally more expensive than supermarket vegetables and fruits , but organic , hormone-free meat is similarly costly . If you buy in bulk , filling your pantry with dried beans and whole grains and your crisper with seasonal , fresh produce , you 're bound to see a savings . Here 's what I learned about getting started . Pull out some of the empty glass jars earmarked for the recycling bin , or invest in a dozen Mason jars , and hit the bulk bin aisle of your local market . Buy produce at least once or twice a week and get everything @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on our planet ) . Buy a few pounds of whole grains . Short-grain brown rice , with its nutty taste , is my favorite . The more exotic varieties like wild rice , jasmine , and basmati make wonderful pilafs around which to build a meal . Buy some millet . Traditionally used in birdseed , this is a powerful , energetic grain that cooks up into a sunny yellow dish . Pasta and cracked grains like bulgur wheat are excellent , quick meal choices . Top them with your favorite red sauce and some stir-fried mushrooms , zucchini , and peppers . Do n't avoid the bean aisle . Legumes are n't as time-consuming or labor-intensive as you might think . It takes just moments to set some beans soaking : measure a cup into a bowl , add a bay leaf , and soak overnight in three cups of water . Cook them in the morning while you 're getting ready for work . Just add fresh water and , for most beans , simmer for 45 minutes to an hour . Dinner will be a breeze to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ choose from -- intensely hued , mystical beans that would have made Jack jealous . Each has its own unique taste and texture . Use black beans for burritos or a marinated black bean and cilantro salad ; chickpeas ( also known as garbanzo beans ) can be made into hummus , a tantalizingly creamy garlic dip for pita pockets , sandwiches , or crisp vegetables . Simmer lentils or split peas with onions and carrots for thick , protein-packed soups ; with a slice of bread and a tossed salad , you can be eating a nutritious meal in half an hour . Canned beans are O.K. too , although they are more expensive than dried beans and have a high sodium content . Avoid them if you have high blood pressure or other medical reasons for laying off the salt . Garnish your food with fresh herbs , and use spices to make up for the flavor you 'd get from fatty meats . If you do n't have time or space to grow your own windowsill herbs , buy them at the market and store them in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and cover them with a plastic bag ; the moisture keeps them fresh for as long as two weeks . You 'll be amazed at the culinary kick you get from herbs and spices . Marjoram makes a " buttery " topping for oatmeal . Cumin and coriander add a nice touch to carrot soup or some plain beans . Chopped parsley adds color and nutrients to a freshly cooked pot of rice , and basil is perfect with a lemony applesauce . As you progress you 'll discover soy milks and cheeses . If you are looking for exact substitutes for dairy foods , you may be disappointed ; savor these foods for their own special taste . And , by the way , there are some good meat analogues , like tempeh and tofu " burgers " that can approximate the taste and texture of meat -- if that 's what you 're searching for . Cooking as a vegetarian does n't have to be an all day affair . As with any other meal you plan , balance time-intensive dishes with quick , easy salads , or opt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crunch . If you 're preparing meals for a family , stock your freezer with vegetable chili , stews , pasta sauces , soups , and fresh-frozen vegetables so you always have nutritious food on hand when the kids are hungry . One summer I made weekly trips to the local farmers ' market , returning home with heaping bags of glorious produce . I turned much of it into ratatouille , fresh pesto , and salsa , freezing meal-or week-size portions . Most vegetarian staples can be transformed into entirely different dishes , so it makes sense to cook enough for the next day or two . A simple pot of rice one day can become fried rice the next , the beans from last night 's dinner can do wonders for tonight 's vegetable soup , or they can be pureed with sage and white wine to make a tasty sauce for noodles . Combine beans and rice with fresh peas and diced carrot to make a colorful molded salad . Make a pizza or burrito your own style : top an opened pita pocket or tortilla with hummus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ -- in short , whatever you have around . I became a vegetarian strictly by accident ; I stuck with it because the learning never ended . I revel in the rainbow of foods I discover , finding food to fix rather than fixing what I find . Meat seems to encourage separation . For example , when I was growing up , Mom often served steak , mashed potatoes , and creamed spinach or steamed broccoli . Vegetarianism is about working together . Let your foods complement each other , rather than stand alone . Serve your lentils over your mashed potatoes , or combine pasta , kidney beans , and vegetables into a tempting stew . Convert your favorite ethnic cuisine ; Mexican , Indian , Italian , and Asian foods all lend themselves to meatless fare , with a bit of know-how . My transition to a vegetarian diet was a great excuse to try something new . I explored vegetables like okra and white eggplant ; herbs and spices like lemongrass and achiote ; red lentils ; couscous and kasha -- I was honoring biodiversity . With @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ became a cultural adventure and a daily celebration of body and food . The best way to " go vegetarian " is to gradually reduce the amount of animal products you eat . People in the U.S. have been led to think that we need a lot of protein each day when , in fact , we eat two to three times more than we need . Besides , vegetables and grains have protein . Include some beans and peas , nuts and seeds , or milk products in a meal or two , and you 've got it made . Educate others without putting them off . Know that friends and family may consider you different . Learn to say " no thanks " when someone offers you a dish you 'd rather not eat ; instead , offer to bring along a dish that everyone can sample and enjoy . For years , I 've been going to parties with my own food . I bring extra and , if anyone shows an interest , immediately offer them a mouthful or plateful ; I 've introduced a lot of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I 'll admit that being a vegetarian is n't always easy . The choice has set me apart from other people -- but I like that . I order special meals on airplanes and bring snack foods from my own kitchen . Sometimes , my meat-eating friends and family look at my plate of vegetables , grains , and beans and feel guilty . " I tried to be a vegetarian once " or " I wish I had your willpower , " they say . What they do n't quite believe is that I love this food : the naturalness of it , the colors , the textures , the healthy feeling I get from eating it . Whatever reasons bring you to vegetarianism , know that there are others of us out there . We 're a close-knit community , dedicated to respecting Mother Earth and valuing our own health . Make creating your meals a living art . Grow , harvest , prepare , and eat from the earth 's bounty , and let the earth grow and prosper from your food decisions . Choosing a meatless diet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of our world , and a perfect excuse for celebration . Oh , by the way , my parents have conceded . They 've begun compiling vegetarian recipes for my wedding that will rival the caterer 's grilled salmon any day . Lauren Mukamal is the former food and nutrition editor of " Veggie Life " magazine ; she lives in Oakland , California . <p> 
##2001668 Should you use sunscreen ? As summer heats up , so will the debate over whether commercial sunscreens are good or bad for you . It 's a complicated issue because preserving one 's complexion is not the same as preserving one 's health . While sunscreen clearly prevents sunburn , its effect on skin cancer risk is much murkier . Sunscreen may protect you against basal cell and squamous cell carcinoma , which are almost always curable and nonfatal , but there is currently no clear evidence that sunscreen protects you against cutaneous malignant melanoma , the most serious and potentially fatal skin cancer . The incidence of melanoma has risen steadily since World War II , more than doubling over the last ten years . In the U.S. , 32,000 new cases are expected this year . Until recently , melanoma was thought to be caused exclusively by exposure to ultraviolet B ( UVB ) , the sun ray that causes burning . Ultraviolet A ( UVA ) , which has a longer wavelength and causes tanning , has little to do with burning , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ developed in the 1920s and widely used since the 1960s -- were formulated to protect only against UVB . The makers of tanning beds followed suit . But in the late 1980s UVA was identified as harmful . Although a weaker carcinogen than UVB , UVA penetrates more deeply into the skin , reaching the layer where dividing cells may be more susceptible to malignant changes . One theory holds that the two types of rays work in concert in promoting melanoma . Sunscreens are ranked by sun protection factor ( SPF ) , which is calculated as a multiple of time in the sun before burning . ( In other words , if you normally burn in one hour , wearing a sunscreen with an SPF of 4 theoretically means you can spend four hours in the sun before burning . ) Since 1989 , " broad spectrum " sunscreens , meant to protect against both UVA and UVB , have been available in addition to the older UVB blockers . But the sunscreens that supposedly block UVA only protect against half of the UVA spectrum . And SPF numbers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ protection factor of 36 may be completely transparent to UVA . Despite what the $280 million-year sunscreen industry is telling us , sunscreens may actually provide no protection from melanoma . A study recently published in the Journal of the National Cancer Institute found that a variety of sunscreens ( including broad spectrum ) failed to protect mice from melanoma . Epidemiological studies also fail to show a decreased risk of melanoma in sunscreen users ; in fact , there is some controversial evidence that the incidence of melanoma is higher among sunscreen users . Given that there 's no evidence that sunscreen itself is carcinogenic , why the higher risk ? The most popular explanation is that , in preventing burning , sunscreen allows sunbathers to stay out longer than they would otherwise , thus absorbing massive amounts of the eventually carcinogenic UVA . In addition , studies indicate that alternating exposure to both UVB and UVA with exposure to UVA alone may increase carcinogenicity . Many people fail to reapply sunscreen or use it irregularly , thus creating that particular pattern of UV exposure . Another explanation is that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rather than a cause . Since sun-sensitive people are at a higher risk of developing skin cancer and are also prone to sunburn , they are more likely to wear sunscreen . In other words , it 's not the sunscreen that 's increasing their risk ; it 's their genes . A far more controversial theory has been put forth by Cedric Garland and Frank Garland , epidemiologists at the University of California , San Diego . They hypothesized that vitamin D -- which we synthesize when exposed to UVB -- may help protect us from melanoma . The Garlands had already postulated that vitamin D , an essential nutrient that helps to regulate calcium and phosphorus levels in the body , may play a roll in preventing other forms of cancer . ( Vital to bone health , vitamin D is known to help prevent rickets in children and osteoporosis in adults . ) They concluded that sunscreen might be linked to higher melanoma rates because all sunscreens prevent us from synthesizing vitamin D , and at least one study showed that chronic sunscreen use decreased vitamin D levels @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Garlands is still considered inconclusive , the sunlight-vitamin D connection is important given that people in the U.S. receive 75 percent of their vitamin D from sunshine ; few of us get the recommended daily allowance ( 200-400 IUs per day for women ) in our diets . Liquid milk is fortified with vitamin D at the rate of 400 IUs per quart , but most adults ca n't or wo n't drink enough milk ; and dairy products like yogurt , cheese , and ice cream are not usually fortified . However , fish -- especially eel , herring , mackerel , and salmon -- is an excellent source of vitamin D. It can also be found in egg yolks . And , of course , dietary supplements are available as well . So what 's a sun worshiper to do ? When it all shakes down , the skin you were born with is a stronger predictor of skin cancer risk than anything you put on it . Darker-skinned people or those who tan easily have a much lower risk of developing melanoma . People who burn or freckle @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , there 's really no such thing as a " healthy tan . " The lifetime risk for European Americans in the United States is ten times that for African Americans , and data from Israel showed that Jews of different ethnic origins had different rates , with lower rates found among those of darker complexion . It 's pigmentation , not race or ethnicity , that determines melanoma risk : people with blond or red hair have a higher risk than those with black or brown hair , and the more blue there is in the eye color , the higher the risk . Other risk factors include having a lot of moles and a family history of melanoma . Risk factors notwithstanding , too much sun is n't really a good thing for anyone . Even if you 're dark-skinned or tan easily , you might want to avoid the midday sun , when UV concentrations are highest , but you can skip sunscreen the rest of the time and get your vitamin D from the sun with little risk . If you 're fair-skinned or sunburn easily , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ drink milk or eat fish or take vitamin D supplements . If you use sunscreen to prevent burning , remember that you 're not protected against melanoma and limit sun exposure as much as possible -- especially from 10 A.M. to 3 P.M. If you must spend a lot of time in the sun , the best protection is clothing . Sun-repellent clothing , like the Frogwear " sunbreaker " jacket ( " nonchemically treated to shield against damaging UVA and UVB rays with a sun protection factor of 36 " ) , is now being marketed . If you want to pay $59.95 for it , be my guest , but almost anything in your closet with a tight weave that covers you up will work just as well . Ultimately , the best sunscreen is a roof . When you go outside , wear hats , sunglasses , and clothes that cover limbs . If you 're out long enough to burn , you 're out long enough to cover up . Adriane Fugh-Berman , M.D. , is the medical adviser to the National Women 's Health Network and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ D.C. <p> 
##2001669 To tell you the truth , it was an obscenity , an aberration on the face of the earth ; especially as it just so happened to be placed beneath the sparkling , blue Himalayas . So white , so white sometimes that they were blinding and then , as the sun set , metamorphosing into strange shapes and strange creatures ; orange , crimson , purple fingers of night caressing their snow-lined crevices like an ardent lover caressing his mistress ' thighs . Beneath this euphoric vision , the hill ; the obscenity ! It had once been clothed with pine trees ; the forests being the dark eyes of a virgin slope , unplowed , untouched . The women had traveled there , twice or thrice in a season ; they had gathered nuts , mushrooms , and wild berries . As time went on , they had collected the dead branches for fuel and leaf litter to bed down their animals -- nothing much , not in those days , there was not much pressure on the land : the hill could take the gentle @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ kind . It often provided the meeting place for younger lovers , for those who would meet in its forests , overtly to chat , covertly to discover together those parts of themselves that they would hide from other eyes ; the forests kept their secrets , until they themselves , generation after generation , exposed them . The hill breathed in the hot summer days and would pant into the darkness of the still Himalayan nights , and no one witnessed this . The lovers who fumbled under the eaves of the tall fir branches could not hear the hill panting into the darkness ; they believed it to be the sound of their own lust . Hence , people did not believe that the hill was alive . They also never noticed it . Generation after generation it had been there , and folk presumed it always would be , and then ... And then , the government encouraged industry , enterprise . Some smart fellow from the city discovered that the hill was an excellent site for a marble and stone quarry , and the rape began . @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ brutal despoliation of a woman ? Once a body has been had that way , simply fucked out of its mind , out of all sanity , it really loses all its worth . Pointless after that treating it as a thing of value , might as well go on knocking it silly ; get everything you can out of it -- like some old whore who 'll do it with anyone at a rock-bottom price ; because she thinks she 's been had so often that there is nothing worthwhile left to give . Well , that 's how the marble and stone industry treated the hill , and by the time our story begins , in 1991 , that hill was an eyesore : a slag heap , an old slag , a poor old piece who had been bumped and jumped sore . Do we shock you ? Why be shocked , when you admire the cool , marbled dining rooms of the upper middle class and delight over the quaint stone cottages , with all the modern conveniences , in House &; Garden ? After all , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and who cares as long as you , personally , are not the egg broken -- if you get our meaning ? The quarry was a deep wound in the main body of the hill ; a huge cesarean section that was performed by several mechanized monsters with pincered shovels . The whir and clank of their activities continued day and night -- yes , night . Under artificial lighting the machines plunged in and out in a kind of macabre simulation of gigantic copulation ; continual rape . In order to facilitate industrial development and , of course , for the convenience of the workers , dozens of wattle and thatch workers ' huts had been built in a semicircle around the quarry site . They had no sanitation . Why have a midden when these people were not used to it anyway ? They could go and shit behind the nearest bush as they had done for generations . As for washing facilities -- there were still streams on the unexploited slopes of the hill . But -- we hear you protest -- what of the women ? ( @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of privacy ? Well , these women , the , hrhm , wives of the men who worked in the marble quarry , were not even aware that they needed privacy , and , in any case , who was to know if they were real wives and not just shacking up ; some of them had moved from man to man . What was the point in giving them water ? One might well ask . The dust hovered and fell thickly everywhere on everything . It clung to clothes , faces , the gaps between one 's toes , the back of one 's throat . It made the children 's curls shine a silvery gray , a strange agedness on baby heads . Their mothers could never get them clean ! Not that the women themselves were much better off , for they sat all day long breaking stones and piling them in basket loads onto the huge tracks that chugged up the hillside , farting out diesel fumes of carbon dioxide to add to the clinging grit of the murky atmosphere . At night , after cooking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and lentils , they would often lie down to sleep in the same grit and dust . It was everywhere , even in those places that should never be spoken of . Everywhere too were the neon lights , the artificial sunshine that made it possible to keep the quarry going twenty-four hours a day , day in day out , year in year out . It made privacy impossible . What need was there of family life when they were all one big happy family ? The sounds of the evening penetrated the wattle walls of the huts and one man 's night whispers , his idiosyncratic preferences , became public property . As one comic wit declared , " Fart here and in Kathmandu they 'll announce that there 's been an earthquake . " They would all laugh , but it was not funny . This , after all , was the twentieth century , and here were these people living like so many beasts in one big hole , groveling into the gut of the earth , and living among the very offal that they unearthed . @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thin lentil stew , radish , and a mouthful of gritty spinach ? The wages were not much . Well , if a family -- or a man -- saved , they might eventually be able to buy their own plot of land in a home village . The chances were , however , that they would be too worked out to farm it by the time they could afford to leave the quarry . There were those who believed that they could save enough to educate their children . The truth was that no child had gone through school . Few could tolerate the work for long before ill health prevented them from continuing . The hardier families seemed to have a habit of drinking away their wages , and , hence , their children would end up breaking stones too , instead of enrolling in school . Those children who did manage to grow up in this cauldron of dry earth and dust usually married into it . The neighboring villages might be short of cash , but they were respectable . Oddly , without daring to specify why @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the inhabitants of the shantytown that littered the slopes of the hill . Perhaps this was because , in more ways than one , these people were all gypsies . They were an odd lot , a mixture of intercaste marriages : young people who had eloped from their orthodox village environment in the hills ; single men who had -- or had never -- been married and who were running away from something , if indeed not a wife , a crime , a paternity claim , a failure , an insanity ; as if one could ever run away from one 's own insanity ! Some , indeed , came seasonally . They came to work through the lean farming season , leaving their families behind in a healthier environment . Being men who were used to having women -- for indeed many had left behind more than one legal wife -- they attracted women who were nobody 's women in particular , but who were not averse to sleeping with them through the season for a few fringe benefits . These were not the women to be found @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we do not disparage these women -- for theirs is another story , a story more likely to be condemnatory of this wholesome , traditional society that we live in rather than the women themselves . Hill women mainly , many had been tricked into believing that some successful emigre from Bombay or Calcutta wished to wed them ; indeed a marriage often did take place . Alas , upon arriving at the city in question , these hapless women would find themselves tricked into the oldest profession ! What to do ? What could these children do ? We say children because often they were no more than fourteen or fifteen . How to return to parents who had thankfully handed one over to men one knew little about ? How to go back to one 's home village in shame ? And thus , those who ever escaped from the ignominy of the brothel drifted from building site to building site , and sometimes , they came to marble quarries like this one . And here was this one , this abortion laid open to the gut for the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gazing forlornly down . And beneath its sad gaze , on the very edge of shantytown , was the hut that Mona and Siva called their own . They had eloped from their home village , several days ' journey up and away beyond this hill . Siva was from a hill tribe and Mona was a Brahman , but Eros had not known that when her cattle had run into his herd of goats . They had hidden their passion from the home village for many a long , deliciously anguished month . This had been possible because Mona 's people rarely mixed with Siva 's . Siva 's community inhabited the outskirts of the village and Mona 's the choicest locations . Their passion had remained camouflaged by the cattle and goats , until Mona 's parents announced that they had arranged a marriage for her . And that was that ! It is the oldest story in the world , except that the majority of us do n't manage to make it sound as grand as Romeo and Juliet did , and our mundane tragedies become crude by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Siva were a good-looking couple , but their clothes and skin were by now polluted with dust . They stank , through lack of fresh mountain air and lack of yogurt ; they stank because they never had the privacy to bathe properly ; and they stank because even their bedding had absorbed the cursed dust and they were too tired to realize anymore how much they stank . But they were still young , she scarcely sixteen and he a man at seventeen or so , and they could dream . They could dream of buying land of their own and having a little farm where they would raise their children . Siva worked with the engineers laying the dynamite and Mona broke stones all day . But , at night , after their simple meal , they could dream in each other 's arms and make love , not noticing the stinking dust because it was every where and they both stank the same ! On such a night , when shantytown moaned in one long shudder of human solace-seeking , Mona first felt the quickening in her womb @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ first and then made him somber . No matter what their dreams were , they had to face up to the fact that getting out of this appalling place would be the very devil . But now it was more important than ever to do so -- but the burden would fall on him because , if Mona did have a child inside , surely she should not be breaking stones all day long ? He did not know and he did not know who to ask . Although the man in the next hut was the father of five children , Siva hesitated to ask him . For one thing , the fellow was a lecher ; he lived with a woman and from the way he talked he had lived with a different one every season . Siva would not expose their intimacies to this man . But the woman who lived with this monster noticed Mona unwell , and she was a kindly soul , albeit a woman of vast carnal experience . Thus it was that , on her advice , they both took the day off @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Kathmandu . It was a tiring experience , not quite as dusty and fatiguing as the marble quarry but only by a matter of degrees . Kathmandu was noisy . Motor vehicles honked incessantly and clouds of black smoke belched out from under them . A different kind of choking from that brought on by the marble dust , but one that tightened the nostrils until one feared they would almost close . Mona was pregnant . She was given a card and instructions . When the doctor heard where they lived and worked she screwed up her face and said , " Ca n't you find something better ? I mean , surely you are not going to bring a baby up there ? Why do n't you go home to your village ? " Dread the thought ! Not only had Siva ravaged Mona 's pristine purity , he was lower caste and she was a Brahman ! Her people would shun her and his people would never forgive him for foisting this awkwardness upon them . He could hear his elder brother say , " Let your dick @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they could never go back to the disgust that would greet them and the crude interpretations of their purest affections ! Each with their own somber thoughts , they wended their way to where they had been told they could get a bus back to the quarry . The traffic had stopped for a procession of people waving banners . " What is it ? " Siva asked a passerby . " It 's the war -- the war in the Gulf . " The procession was chanting " Hands off Kuwait " and " No War , " but really Siva was none the wiser . " What 's Kuwait ? " asked Mona of him , " and who has it ? What has it to do with Nepal ? Has somebody taken it from here ? " " It 's nothing to do with us , " he replied , somewhat severely . " We had better think about the baby . " And he did nothing else . He would not let her work and he worked double shifts . He punished his young body in a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ holding before him the dream , the dream of taking her and their child away from the stinking , choking dust . Meanwhile , the child grew in her belly and she found some companionship in the strange , lonely woman , the " kept " whore of the miner in the next hut . Mona kindled in her occasional sparks of motherliness , and she would oil the young girl 's hair and braid it , helping her to keep herself cleaner by passing on the tricks of survival she had learned . Mona liked her but was a little afraid of her . What else could one be of a woman who had known so many men ? Not just known but who had let them penetrate her , let them into her -- and so many of them ! Mona did not even have to think of what she would do if Siva did not look after her , because he did . She did not have to imagine what might happen if he was not there , because he was -- and then , just like that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it takes a broken slipper thong to stumble on the rough pathway off the hill , just as long as it takes when the dynamite fuse is lit . And suddenly it blew inside him . He was on fire for the last time . The rocks came tumbling down upon him and his quivering young manhood , the spring of his youth was crushed to death , high above the head of the girl he was in that place for . What more could he have done ? He had sacrificed all for her -- even to the ultimate , the most anyone could give . As for her , he had not been of her caste -- for her people he was untouchable , but she mourned him as the high priest of her inner sanctum . She sat on a bed of rough , coarse straw and ate rice with no salt . On the third day of her mourning the child left her body , and the sound of her grief and inconsolable keening made the shacks shudder . She had had Siva 's last rites performed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ asked no questions . This had lulled her into believing that all could be done in this world as long as one simply pretended . As she sent Siva 's body to be burned , she had broken her bangles and thrown her wifely vermilion onto his swaddled body as if they had taken seven steps together around the sacred fire . Was this punishment for daring to dream of bearing a child to an out-of-caste man ? On that day the future had looked bleak for herself and her unborn child . When the child , overcome perhaps by its mother 's grief , left her body , it did so in silent acknowledgment of the impossible burden its eventual presence would impose upon her . When she mentioned going back to her village , her new friend , the woman of the world , reminded her : " But no one will marry you now , you are already spoiled . It can not be hidden . Better stay on here , and I 'll show you how to get by . " But it did not fit the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and she had had of life , and , what was more painful , it did not fit the vision of her as Siva had depicted it . Was this all for a woman , then ? Had she nothing else to look forward to ? People she had never even spoken to , although they lived in similar hovels close by , came to sit in silence in her shack , staring at her white widow 's weeds and miming the orthodox gestures of pity . But they did not feel Siva 's loss keenly ; how could they when they had not linked their lives irreversibly to his ? The engineers had acquired a new lad to help them in laying dynamite and they brought him along with them to see the widow ! He did not seem perturbed by the fate of his predecessor and came back each evening . He sat with her kindly neighbor and her neighbor 's man , but their concern unsettled Mona . From beneath the thick , coarse blanket that sheltered her she could see the boy and the man whispering together @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ catching her gaze -- it was as if they did not wish her to see them looking at her . Toward the end of the mourning period , when the trauma from losing the child began to relinquish its grip on her body , she spoke again of returning to her village . Her mentor advised her strongly against it , and the man and the lad eagerly , perhaps too eagerly , assured her that they would look after her . She was undecided about what to do , but she could not help believing that the only one who would truly have cared for her was beyond her reach . Nevertheless , returning to her village would not be a happy task ! As the sun set on the final days of her mourning she walked up into the trees , there to lie on the dry leaves and pine needles . It had been in this very shade of trees that they had spent some of their first nights together , their first nights before becoming completely absorbed in the life of the quarry . She thought how @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had been ripped out of its womb that could never be replaced . The leaves were crisp and dry . She had brought her bedroll and blankets with her . She lay down , snug and warm beneath the trees . Somewhere below she could hear the radio that belonged to her neighbor , her neighbor who at her age had been taken to the brothels of Bombay . The older woman thought she was clever because she had survived . No doubt she was . She listened every day to this news about the war over someone taking something or somewhere called Kuwait . Faintly , Mona thought she heard them saying they were going to take Kuwait back . But what was it to her anyway ? Siva had been correct ; they had had weightier matters to attend to and dreader sorrows to bear . She moved at first because the heat from the blanket was uncomfortable , but stunned by sorrow and lulled by fonder memories she soon overcame her discomfort and closed her eyes to the darkness . The flame from her blankets sent sparks up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , lifeless body , the fragrance of pine needles seemed to cling to it and the mica from the dust that covered her sparkled like diamonds beneath the shadow of the trees . Greta Rana 's most recent novel is " Guests in This Country -- A Development Fantasy " ( Book Faith India ; distributed by Tiwari Pilgrims Book House , Kathmandu , Nepal ) . <p> 
##2001671 I was asked to speak about survival . The difficulty for me is that survival is the least of my desires . I 'm interested in a lot more than mere survival . We must aim much higher than just staying alive if we are to begin to approach our true potential . I am part of a nation that is not secret but is rarely recognized . Born poor , queer , and despised , I have always known myself to be one of many -- strong not because I was different , but because I was part of a nation just like me , human and fragile and stubborn and hungry for justice in an unjust world . I am past 40 now . I have known I was a lesbian since I was a teenager , known I wanted to write almost as long . My age , my family background , the region and class in which I grew up , and , yes , my times -- the political and moral eras I have come through -- have shaped me . I was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ school , the first to go to college . It is hard for me to explain what an extraordinary thing that was : to be not only the first , but for a long time the only one of my people to step outside the tight , hostile world in which we were born . But I went to college in the early seventies , and I had the great good fortune of being there at a time when other working-class kids were also confronting a world in which we were barely acknowledged , and certainly not welcomed . That experience spurred in me , as in many of us , an outrage and determination that questioned accepted barriers of authority , validation , rightness . Unwelcome , suspicious , bad-tempered -- I became convinced that to survive I would have to remake the world so that it came closer to matching its own ideals . In college I was involved in civil rights activism and antiwar demonstrations . I learned that anything is possible . I became a feminist activist when other people my age were marrying or joining the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ am one of those dangerous ones . I have never wanted to be rich . I have always wanted a great deal more . I have always wanted to remake the world , and that is a much more greedy , far-reaching ambition than cash . I joined a small nation of would-be revolutionaries , queers and feminists and working-class escapees , dreamers most of us , who dreamed of a world in which no one was denied justice , no one was hated for their origins , color , beliefs , or sexuality . Though it is rarely acknowledged , people like me have remade this world in the last few decades . It is a new place . Yes , it is true . Although there are few people who think of themselves as revolutionaries anymore , the world is a new place . The rigid world into which I was born has been shaken profoundly . Apartheid has been dismantled and Nelson Mandela is the president of South Africa . Until a few years ago , I could not imagine that happening . Russia is a new place @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ childhood is gone . " Homosexual " is no longer a psychiatric disorder , and my lover and I actually registered as domestic partners down at City Hall in San Francisco last spring . The world is a new place , but it still needs to be remade . We still need revolutionaries . It was more than ten years ago that the first person I knew personally died of AIDS . Last year I lost four more friends , four more of the many who should not have died . This last year my lover 's ex-girlfriend turned up in jail after living on the streets for two years , my last aunt followed my mother into death by cancer , while I went through each day without health insurance , knowing that most likely I , too , will die of cancer before I am 60 . Half of the people I know live without health insurance or the certainty of a living wage . The world needs to be remade . The brilliant , talented , young gay men and lesbian women writers in my life earn barely @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time they need to write the books I want to read . We live , all of us , in the most impossible conflict , voluntarily poor because of the work we choose to do , the lies we choose not to tell . Most of us know that sending applications to the National Endowment for the Arts or well-funded grants committees is like throwing a snowball into the sun . Our own organizations -- our presses , magazines , bookstores , and writing programs barely survive . Oh , yes , the world needs to be remade . If we , as writers , are to continue , to do more than survive , we need more people of large ambition , people who refuse censorship , denial , and hatred , people who still hope to change the world . Writers who see themselves as revolutionaries , who turn up at demonstrations or envelope-stuffing parties with the shadows under their eyes that prove how many nights they 've gotten up , after a limited sleep , to hone their skills and dream on the page the remade world . @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ world . When I was 22 , I helped organize a rape crisis center . That same year I was involved in starting a feminist bookstore , staffing a women 's center , volunteering as a lesbian peer counselor , teaching a feminist anthropology course , editing a feminist magazine , trying to organize a waitress union , and organizing a lesbian-feminist living collective that became my family and home for eight years . I told myself that if only I could give up more sleep I could get so much more done . These days I look around and think we need a few more people willing to give up a little sleep . I am like most other lesbians I know . I have always written after everything else was done , in spare moments after filling in at the child care center , or building shelves for the bookstore , or preparing grant applications , first for the women 's center and then the women 's studies department and then the magazines . I have worked with four feminist magazines . None of them still survive . When @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when I was 24 that was still possible . I rarely dealt with men , rarely contacted my family , was strictly non-monogamous , wrote bad poetry when I was too tired to sleep , and taught myself , laboriously , to write fiction in short snatches of time stolen from my day job or the hours I could n't sleep anyway . I edited other people 's writing for long years before I published my own . I did n't publish anything until I began to think I might be good enough . And to put it frankly , by my own standards I am still rarely good enough . What I want -- my ambition -- is larger than anyone imagines . I want to be able to write so powerfully I can break the heart of the world and heal it . I want to write in such a way as to literally remake the world , to change people 's thinking as they look out of the eyes of the characters I create . I have always been completely matter-of-fact about being a lesbian . I have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ preference , and as a feminist I know that my convictions shape what I write about , what voice I can manifest , and what kinds of characters I will imagine -- what I can write at all . I am one whole person , one whole person who is a lesbian and a writer . When I listened to Edward Albee speak at the second OutWrite conference in San Francisco in 1991 . I kept thinking that the times and the ethos that had shaped his concept of who he was -- both as a gay man and a writer -- were not so maddening as tragic . That it was first and foremost a waste that he had spent so much of his life in a defensive struggle to claim himself and his sexuality in the face of an ignorant and hateful public . Worse , it seemed that fighting so hard for his sexuality had left him bitterly ignorant of how interlinked the struggles for gay rights and human rights are , unable to see how much the struggle for other people 's hopes are related to his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lives , our sexuality , and our work only in the language and categories of a society that despises us , eventually we will have eaten enough bitterness that we will be unable to speak past our griefs . We will disappear into those categories . What I have tried to do in my own life is refuse the language and categories that would reduce me to less than my whole complicated experience . At the same time I have tried to look at people different from me with the kind of compassion I would like to have directed toward me . When I think about that generation of writers that Edward Albee is part of , I become more determined to remake the world . I work to make it possible for young queer writers not to have to waste so much of themselves fighting off the hatred and dismissal of an ignorant majority . But to make any contribution to other lives , I know that I must first begin in the carefully examined specifics of my own . I must acknowledge who has helped me survive and how @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ miracles in my life . Yes , I have been shaped as a lesbian and a writer by miracles . Miracles , as in wonders and marvels and astonishing accidents , fortunate juxtapositions and happy encounters , some resulting from work and luck but others unexplained and unexplainable . It was a miracle that I survived my childhood to finish high school and get that scholarship to college . It was a miracle that I discovered feminism and found that I did not have to be ashamed of who I was . I did not have to be ashamed of my desire as a lesbian , or of my peculiar behaviors -- most of which can be traced to the fact that I grew up in a trashy neighborhood and liked it . Feminism gave me the possibility of understanding my place in the world , and I claim it as a title and an entitlement . When I was very young I imagined that I would have to be celibate . I knew what I wanted from the first flush of puberty . I knew what I wanted to do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I saw fear and death and damnation . You can not imagine how terrified I was at 12 and 13 . I decided I would be celibate , become a kind of Baptist nun . That seemed a reasonable choice after my family moved to central Florida when I was 13 and I snuck off to the gay bar down near the Trailways bus station in Orlando . I took one look at those women and knew I was in a lot of trouble . I knew , pretty much from the beginning , what was going to happen to me . I knew I was femme , opinionated , bossy , romantically masochistic , and that those girls were going to eat me alive . So the choice was to be eaten alive or to become celibate . It 's a wonder there 's a scrap of me left alive . It was a miracle that I figured out what it was I enjoyed sexually that did not require my partner to be crazy drunk , violently angry , or acquire permanent rights to my body just because she knew @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that I kept on writing fiction for my own satisfaction even when I truly believed in the women 's revolution and was completely convinced it would never come about if I did n't personally raise the money for it , staff the phones , and cook the protein dish for the potluck where we would all plan it . I cling to no organized religion , but I believe in the continuing impact of miracles . Finally , I have to tell you that it was a miracle I did not kill myself out of sheer despair when I was told I was too lesbian for feminism , too reformist for radical feminism , too sexually perverse for respectable lesbianism , and too damn stubborn for the women 's , gay , and queer revolutions . That I am here now , writing , speaking , teaching , and living out my own feminist ideals , is astonishing . I have not changed . The world has been remade . I believe in the truth . I believe in the truth in the way only a person who has been denied @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ know its power . I know the threat it represents to a world constructed on lies . I believe any trick that keeps you writing the truth is all right , but that some tricks are more expensive than others . The one I have used most often and most successfully is pretending I am only writing history , that I am only trying to get down my version of what happened . My writing becomes fiction soon enough anyway . The truth is wider than the details of what really happened in my life . I know the myths of the family that thread through our society 's literature , music , politics -- and I know the reality . The reality is that for many of us family was the incubator of despair rather than the safe , nurturing haven the myths promised . We are not supposed to talk about our real family lives , especially if our families do not duplicate that mythical heterosexual model . In a world in which only a fraction of people actually live in that Father Knows Best nuclear family , we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who are happy that we do not live inside that mythical model . But I also believe in hope . I believe in the remade life , the possibilities inherent in our lesbian and gay chosen families , our families of friends and lovers , the healing that can take place among the most wounded of us . My family of friends has kept me alive through lovers who have left , enterprises that have failed , and all too many stories that never got finished . That family has been part of remaking the world for me . We are not supposed to tell the truth about our lives , our queer lives . The worst thing done to us in the name of a civilized society is to label the truth of our lives material outside the legitimate subject matter of serious writers . We are not supposed to talk about our sexuality , not in more than the most general and debased terms . When we write stories out of our lives , they tear us apart even as we write them . Oddly enough , that tearing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ writer but in the world as well . It is as if you were opening up scar tissue and allowing new growth . I use many tricks to make that possible . The easiest story for me to write is the one in which I sit down in front of the imaginary image of one person I have always ached to say something to -- my stepfather , or my mother , or my first lover ( the one who did n't tell me she was going to leave me ) -- and I begin the story by saying , " You son of a bitch . . . " That 's easy . I let the anger tell the story . The harder stories are the ones where I begin with grief or the attempt to understand , the stories that start , " I 'm sorry , " or even , " I was so ashamed , " or , " Goddamn , I miss you so much . " I want hard stories . I demand them from myself . I demand them from my students and friends @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It seems to me the only way I have forgiven anything , really understood anything , is through that process of opening up to my own terror and pain , reexamining them , re-creating them in the story , and making them something different , making them meaningful -- even if the meaning is only in the act of the telling . Some things are absolutely unjust , without purpose , horrible and blinding , soul-destroying : the death of the beloved , the rape of a child . Situations some of us know all too well . There was no meaning in what my stepfather did to me . But the stories I have made out of it do have meaning . They are redress for all those like me , whether they can write their own stories or not . My stories are not against anyone ; they are for the life we need . It has taken me 20 years to be able to write what I write now , but what I wrote 19 years ago was just as important . There 's an essay by Ursula @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the importance of women offering their own experience as wisdom , how each individual perception is vital . That 's what I believe to be the importance of telling the truth , each of us writing out of the unique vision our lives have given us . It is the reason I urge the young writers I work with to confront their own lives in their fiction . Not that they must write autobiography , but that they must use the whole of their lives in the making of the stories they tell ; they must honor their dead , their wounded and lost ; they must acknowledge their own crimes and shame , feel the impact of what they must do and do not do in the world in their stories . I tell them they must take the business of storytelling completely seriously . I want the stories I read to take me over , to make me see people I do not know as they see themselves -- the scared little girl who grew up lesbian , the faggot child who loved and hungered for truth , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ familiarly and make me laugh at my own fears . Each of us has our own bitterness , our own fear , and that stubborn tenderness we are famous for . Each of us has our own stories and none of them are the same no matter how similar some of the details . Tell me the truth and I make you a promise . If you show me yours , I 'll show you mine . That 's what writers do for each other . Write your stories , any story , any way you have to frame it to get it out , any time you can get it done . Use any trick . I want to know what it was that you looked at unflinchingly , even if you did not know what you were seeing at the time . If nothing else works , start by writing that story for me . Imagine me . I was born to die . I know that . If I could have found what I needed at 13 , I would not have lost so much of my life @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 13-year-old in some little town , the hope of the remade life . Tell the truth . Write the story that you were always afraid to tell . I swear to you there is magic in it , and if you show yourself naked for me , I 'll be naked for you . It will be our covenant . We 'll find that child . Dorothy Allison lives in northern . California with her partner and two-year-old son . She is the author of " Bastard Out of Carolina " ( Dutton ) . <p> 
##2001672 When candidate Bill Clinton was selling himself as the next domestic-policy president , he promised to slay the dragon of high-ticket health care . He 'd picked a good issue . This fire-breathing monster had grown to more than $600 billion annually , the big insurance companies had a stranglehold on the medical profession , nearly 39 million people in the U.S. were uninsured , and the fact that you could n't get health insurance if you were sick suddenly seemed starkly ridiculous . Universal coverage was the answer . All we needed to do was pick one of the many health insurance schemes that were being floated by presidential candidates , Congress , special interest groups , and a cast of other characters . One plan seemed suspiciously simple . Modeled after the successful Canadian system , it 's called " single payer . " This tax-supported , government-financed program would eliminate the need for health insurance : there 'd be no premiums , deductibles , or co-payments . You 'd go to the physician of your choice , and a single government entity like Medicare or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the only plan that has a passionate bloc of support in Congress and in the country , " says Shelley Moskowitz of the Washington , D.C. , office of Neighbor-to-Neighbor , a national grassroots lobby for human rights and economic justice . " It has as much , if not more , support on key committees than any other bill , including the president 's . " She 's right . Ninety-seven Congressional cosponsors have signed onto single-payer bills by Representative Jim McDermott ( D.-Wash. ) and Senator Paul Wellstone ( D.-Minn . ) . And at a time when all other health reform proposals carry hefty price tags , both the Congressional Budget Office and the General Accounting Office have found the single-payer plan to be the most cost-effective . The savings would come in administrative costs because the " middlemen " -- the insurance companies -- would be eliminated . Then there are all those endorsements : more than 1,600 organizations , including the conservative 60,000-member American College of Surgeons , which support several aspects of the plan ; as well as a number of daily papers . And @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ industry to task , running a front-page story about the efforts of some insurance companies to turn back the growing movement for national health care by starting " managed care " programs , which were costly and bureaucratic . For the past three years , most polls have also shown public support for single-payer plans ranging from 60 to 70 percent . A 1991 Wall Street Journal/NBC News poll showed 69 percent of those surveyed would support a Canadian-style health care plan . Also that year Harris Wofford ( D.-Pa. ) won a Senate seat based on the electorate 's anger over high health care costs . And Steffie Woolhandler and David Himmelstein , Harvard medical school professors , released a well-publicized New England Journal of Medicine study showing the U.S. would save $90 billion a year in administrative costs with a singlepayer plan . Nonetheless , most " experts , " most of the press , the Clinton administration , and the business lobby agree that a single-payer system was simply never in the cards . Why ? To face the answer head-on is to rattle the very underpinnings of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ single-payer system would inflict a near-mortal wound on the companies that deal in health insurance . That 's 1,500 corporations that , in league with drug companies and doctors , have successfully blocked national health insurance for the last 20 years . Here 's how the war against single payer has been waged : It began in 1990 with congressional campaigns designed to frighten the public about national health insurance plans that smacked of " socialized medicine . " Senator William Cohen ( R.-Maine ) was key because he was one of the first to run a campaign attacking the single-payer system . In November 1991 , candidate Clinton tipped his hand to Ted Marmor , a Yale professor and coauthor of America 's Misunderstood Welfare State . Clinton aides had invited Marmor to present the single-payer side of health reform . Afterward , Marmor said , Clinton told him , " Ted , you win the argument , but I 'm going to do what they say . " Clinton was referring to the " pay-or-play " side , which would require employers to provide insurance or to pay into @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ . Marmor recalled Clinton saying that if he were to advance the single-payer argument , he would be killed by propagandistic attacks on " big government and federal taxation . " By 1992 , the health insurance industry -- through its powerful trade association , the Health Insurance Association of America ( HIAA ) -- had mobilized its forces , launching a multimillion-dollar , no-holds-barred campaign to defeat single payer or any substantive reform . The campaign consisted of dogged advertising , grassroots organizing , and deep-pocket lobbying . HIAA hired former Ohio Representative Bill Gradison , a canny Republican with lots of friends in both parties , to run it . The insurance companies crisscrossed the country , " educating " the public . In March 1992 Baltimore members of the consumer advocate group Citizen Action showed up at Martin 's West , a plush conference center , for what fliers promised would be a discussion of Canadian-style health care . What they found was a barrage of speeches and pamphlets that were part of a sophisticated HIAA propaganda blitz . Patrick Woodall , a researcher for Ralph Nader 's @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ advocate , says : " It 's hard to tell whether we ever had a chance . HIAA during the 102nd Congress put out a series of ads all over the country that were incredibly deceptive and misleading . " Shelley Moskowitz felt the full force of the insurance companies ' power over some TV stations in 1993 , when Neighbor-to-Neighbor tried to place 30-second TV spots in Boston , San Francisco , and Washington , D.C. She says : " We had a very simple message -- any plan that keeps insurance companies in is going to cost $100 billion more . When we 'd take our spots to stations they 'd say , ' Oh , my god , this is a hit on the insurance industry and they 're our biggest advertiser . ' " Later that year , HIAA introduced the now infamous " Harry and Louise " ads , featuring a baleful couple , vexed and wounded by Clinton 's health care plan . Those ads , says Moskowitz , " basically just blew everything else out of the water . " Things were n't much @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in keeping single payer in the margins of the debate . Public Citizen 's Woodall offers one explanation : " There are insurance and pharmaceutical executives on the boards of major papers , including the New York Times . " As of last year , four of that paper 's 12 board members were directors of insurance companies and two were directors of drug companies . Back in October 1992 the Times was editorializing , " Managed competition has won . " The new Congress , it proclaimed , " can start with a managed competition blueprint , dot the i 's , and send the president , whether his name is Clinton or Bush , a bill he 'd be proud to sign . " Asked by a reader why the Clinton administration had not seriously considered the single-payer plan , USA Today replied that it would have " caused great disruption to the economy , resulted in higher taxes , and given the federal government vast new powers . " A Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting inquiry found that ABC World News Tonight mentioned single payer once in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ following Clinton 's election , single payer appeared in only five New York Times news stories , managed competition in 62 . But HIAA spokesperson Richard Coorsh claims that single-payer coalitions have gotten more media attention than their support in polls would warrant . He says HIAA polls -- which contradict those cited by single-payer supporters -- show that " 80 percent of Americans with coverage are happy with the insurance they have . " Bill Clinton , in fact , seemed to be offering the U.S. public something very close to what it already had . By the time he was elected , he was on record in support of a version of the very conservative " managed competition " plan , which assigns everyone to quasi-private " alliances " that shop among insurance companies for the best deal . " Through Clinton 's managed competition scheme , the Big 5 insurers Aetna , Cigna , MetLife , Prudential , Travelers stand to make billions of dollars , " says Moskowitz . " What industry would n't want its product mandated by law and subsidized by government ? " Nevertheless @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was optimistic when the White House invited him to Washington in February 1993 to " consult " on the Canadian plan . But he quickly learned it was a pseudo-consultation when Walter Zelman , a California insurance reformer on Clinton 's task force , began the meeting by announcing : " Single payer is not on the table . Now let 's talk . " By that time it was widely known that the **25;336;TOOLONG Jackson Hole Group was a dominant influence in developing the Clinton plan . This conclave of health care executives and policy analysts -- described by some as the " rain trust " of the Clinton administration -- created the managed competition model . Thomas O. Pyle , a former member of Hillary Rodham Clinton 's health care working group , was chair of the organization , and Ira Magaziner , her right-hand man , met with the group in Wyoming . Single-payer lobbyists were beginning to see that the deck was stacked against them . " A decision was made by some people here in D.C. that no matter what happens , single payer just was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lobbyist for Citizen Action , who has fought for a Canadian-style program for a decade . It did n't take Hurwit long to discover why there 's such a big difference between what the public wants and how Congress votes . A Citizen Action study of the health care industry 's political contributions revealed it gave over $11 million to congresspeople during 1993 , a 22 percent increase over the year before . ( Contributions by non-health-related groups increased by a mere 2 percent ) . The study found that members of the Senate Labor and Human Resources Committee , key to health care reform , received an average of $420,000 from these groups . And the New York Times reported this spring that close to $50 million in campaign contributions would be made by health and insurance industries in 1993-94 . " Call it what it is -- ' buy-partisan , ' " says Elaine Bernard , who directs Harvard University 's Trade Union Program and has studied the single-payer option . Of course , all lobbyists are partisan and try to buy their representatives . The difference with the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wads of cash they have at hand . We 're talking huge corporations with $1 trillion at stake , facing systemic reforms that could change forever the way they do business . Theirs may be the biggest lobbying campaign in U.S. history . But it 's not enough anymore for big business to simply siphon dollars into congresspeople 's campaigns . Because of public anger over this practice , the entire Washington lobbying industry has devised clever schemes to enable a congressperson to vote with the big money and , at the same time , appear to be truly representing the wishes of the folks back home . Here 's how the scheme worked against Cathy Hurwit . For weeks she 'd been trying to get in to see Representative W.J. " Billy " Tauzin ( D.-La. ) , but she was rebuffed , the underlying message being that Citizen Action 's pockets were n't deep enough and that Tauzin 's constituents were n't interested in a single-payer plan . A month earlier he 'd held a health care " town meeting " in New Orleans -- at $25 a head @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Resource Group . The group , which is funded by corporations with a huge stake in health reform , including insurance companies , sets up these town meetings for congresspeople all over the country . Since those invited to the meetings share the views of the health insurance industry , representatives can justify their pro-business votes by saying that 's what constituents said they wanted . Many of the attendees work for health insurance companies and have been frightened by their employers into believing they 'll lose their jobs if any kind of health reform is passed . Single-payer advocates counter that under their system , the states would be allocated a certain amount of money , and one percent of those revenues could go to retraining . There would also be public-sector jobs in the agency or agencies that will administer the new system . Harvard 's Elaine Bernard , who calls the single-payer battle " Godzilla versus Bambi , " says she has her money on Bambi . How can it possibly happen ? " Cost , " she says . The fact that the overall economy is severely @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ control under any other plan on the table -- will finally drive the business community to support single payer . Cost considerations should have led big corporations to favor a single-payer system in the first place . But instead , big business came out against single payer . Says Bernard : " They did not want us to see that government regulation could improve service for all of us . " In January , leaders of six grassroots organizations put together Single Payer Across the Nation . If a single-payer plan does n't pass , the group has a two-pronged approach : Make sure Clinton 's plan does n't pass unless it permits the states to establish single-payer programs . Then bring single payer to the U.S. on a state-by-state basis , much as it came to Canada by way of the provinces . In fact , Shelly Moskowitz spearheaded a successful drive in California to put a single-payer option on the ballot this November . Following that victory , a front-page Washington Post headline proclaimed , SINGLE PAYER ALIVE , KICKING . But then so is HIAA . Richard Coorsh @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the charge " against single payer in California . Minnesota Senator Paul Wellstone , who 's pushing his own single-payer bill , concludes : " I do n't think any reform bill will pass without strong language for the states to have the single-payer option . " Karen Branan is a Washington , D.C.-based freelance writer and a documentary film producer . <p> 
##2001673 The Juniper Tree had its audience spellbound . Set in a stark Icelandic landscape , this spare and moody film tells the story of two sisters trying to survive after their mother is burned as a witch . After its screening at the Boston International Festival of Women 's Cinema this spring , the enraptured audience pressed director Nietzchka Keene for more information about the world she had created , a blending of medieval folk magic with the Brothers Grimm . Seated on the stage of Cambridge 's Brattle Theater , where the festival was held , Keene fielded questions about religion and sexuality , witch burnings , Icelandic poetry , and Bjork Gundmundsdottir , who plays the younger sister ( but is better known from her days as the lead singer of the Sugarcubes , an Icelandic rock band ) . One of the strongest most popular works showcased in the Boston festival , The Juniper Tree remains without a U.S. film distributor . " The distributors wanted to know ' What genre is this ? ' " recalls Keene . " They liked it but could @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so it goes for many women directors , for whom visibility remains a persistent problem . While progress has been made with the ascendancy of directors like Jane Campion , Sally Potter , Allison Anders , and Jodie Foster , there are many other worthy filmmakers whose works are too short , too experimental , too woman-oriented , too visionary -- from Hollywood 's tried-and-true formulas to get industry support . Where they have gotten support is from the growing roster of women 's film festivals . Granted , few filmmakers are " discovered " by industry scouts at specialized film festivals . Distributors routinely skip them , heading for Cannes , Sundance , and the Berlin and Toronto festivals instead . But women 's film festivals offer other advantages . For filmmakers , they can provide invigorating rapport with audiences , the opportunity to contact local grassroots groups concerned with issues similar to their own , and the chance to meet other women directors . Festival catalogs also have a valuable afterlife , used by many film programmers and some distributors to look for new works . For audiences , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feminist films and works by women of color , lesbians , or experimental artists , all of which are seldom seen in commercial theaters and video stores . Boston is among the newest of the dozen or so women 's festivals now held across the U.S. , a list that also includes New York City ; Chicago ; Austin , Texas ; Colorado Springs ; and Berkeley , Los Angeles , and Santa Cruz , California . Their styles are as varied as the films they show . In Los Angeles , you 're likely to find stars like Liv Ullmann and glittery black-tie events . Chicago 's Women in the Director 's Chair ( WIDC ) has a reputation for being more feminist and politically oriented , while the WOW ( Women 's One World ) festival in New York City 's funky East Village tends to favor experimental shorts . Santa Cruz is explicitly dedicated to works by women of color . Boston mixes international fare with U.S. features , shorts , documentaries , animation , and local New England productions . Festivals can be an ideal way of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is made for women . I have an obsession with reaching them , " says Allie Light about her documentary , Dialogues with Madwomen , which features seven women ( including Light ) describing their struggles with the psychiatric establishment . The film explores the link between childhood abuse and women 's mental health . ( Dialogues can be seen on the public television series P.O.V. on August 2 . On July 12 , P.O.V. airs another film featured in Boston , Heart of the Matter , on women 's sexuality and AIDS . ) " Women 's films -- especially short films -- get a kind of exposure in women 's film festivals that they never have on the theatrical circuit , " says Sande Zeig , first film , Central Park , was part of the Boston festival 's two programs of lesbian shorts . " Now the major international film festivals are becoming interested in including specialized programs of lesbian and gay work , " she says , as are individual theaters . Recently Zeig was contacted by several art theaters around the U.S. , all planning their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Filmmaker Yvonne Welbon agrees that women 's film festivals are " absolutely good for the work . I do n't think a lot of this work would be seen or handled as carefully if it were n't for these festivals . " Welbon , who has been a board member of WIDC for the past three years , believes most women 's festivals make a conscious effort to support the work of women of color like herself . WIDC , she notes , " went out of its way to form a committee of black women in the community to curate a program called ' Mosaic and Black . ' " This year festival organizers focused on the work of Latina filmmakers and presented programs designed to appeal to Chicago 's diverse Latino community as well as their traditional feminist audience . Welbon also thinks women-specific programming brings people out when more generalized themes might not . She recalls curating a program of experimental film and video by African American women several years ago for a group called Chicago Filmmakers . " It was the best attended program for that season @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thought , ' I should mix this up ' -- men and women , gay and straight , lesbian and gay . But it really did not draw the same kind of audience . " And that 's the downside . Since the audience is primarily women looking for primarily women 's films , " you are preaching to the converted , " says Alice Stone , director of She Lives To Ride , a documentary about five women motorcyclists . " On the other hand , the festival brings added publicity . And let 's face it , independents need exposure more than anything . " Stone 's film attracted one of the festival 's more exuberant crowds . More than a dozen members of Boston 's Moving Violations biker club attended the screening , cheering loudly whenever their idols appeared : Harley Women magazine publisher Jo Giovannoni and the trail-blazing octogenarian Dot Robinson , who rides a pink Harley to her golf game . These issues of segregation and preaching to the converted have troubled both organizers and participants involved with women 's film festivals . There are filmmakers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ participate in women 's film festivals because it isolates their work . But Gretchen Elsner-Sommer , former program director of the Women in the Director 's Chair festival , retorts : " Let 's face it . We 're not ghettoizing ourselves ; we 've already been ghettoized . The reality is that women 's work just is n't shown at the mainstream festivals , or is n't shown as much as it should be . " " We struggled with the idea of having the festival , " admits Marianne Lampke , who runs the Brattle Theater with partner Connie White . Two among the handful of women who manage commercial repertory theaters , Lampke and White were reluctant to segregate works by women . Instead , they looked for inventive ways to incorporate a feminist perspective into their daily programming . Not many commercial theaters would have come up with a series entitled " Witch Hunts : 300 Years of Women on Trial " right on the heels of the Anita Hill/Clarence Thomas hearings ( which coincided , strangely enough , with the 300th anniversary of the Salem witch @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 's film festival was a good idea , partly for their own sanity . " Most of the films we consider are male films and a very large percentage of them have some kind of rape scene , " Lampke says . " When you 're programming repertory films and you 're women , you notice that . That 's why we 'd never show a Brian De Palma retrospective , for example . We see that there really is not a lot of opportunity for women filmmakers . The bottom line is that women 's films get hidden . " Anne Marie Stein , head of the Boston Film/Video Foundation , a nonprofit media arts center , and codirector of the Boston festival , agrees : " In an ideal world , you would n't need this . But there are still real issues of inequity . There still is more feature filmmaking by men . It has to do with power and access to resources . How many women can you think of who have done seven or eight feature films ? " Indeed , industry statistics show that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to a recent Premier/Baseline survey , women directed only nine of the 176 films released by the major studios from January 1 , 1992 , to June 8 , 1993 -- that comes to 5 percent . Since the Directors Guild of America is 20 percent female , many women directors clearly are not getting opportunities to work . Women fare much better in the independent film world , but they still face daunting obstacles trying to get financing and distribution . Every bit of support and visibility helps . " If women 's film festivals are well planned , " says Stein , " they can help promote women 's films in a positive way . By women supporting women , that broadens the opportunities . " Harriet Silverman , executive director of the Los Angeles chapter of Women in Film , helps organize the group 's annual just as the old boy network has done over the past 50 years . " Patricia Thomson is a New York City-based freelance writer and editor of " The Independent Film &; Video Monthly . " <p> 