%%% has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
%%% died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.
A cop once pulled %%% over...Luckily, the cop left only with a warning.
A total eclipse won't look directly at %%%.
%%% can unscramble eggs.
Did u know %%% had a role in star wars. He was the force.
When %%% does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
%%% can lift up a chair with one hand... While he's sitting on it...
%%% doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone
While learning CPR %%% actually brought the practice dummy to life.
Once a cobra bit %%%. After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
%%% went skydiving and his parachute failed to open, so he took it back the next day for a refund.
%%% doesn't flush the toilet...he scares the shit out of it.
%%% once went to court for a crime, the judge pleaded guilty.
Before going to bed, the Boogeyman always checks his closet for %%%.
There used to be a street named after %%%, but it was changed because nobody crosses %%% and lives.
%%% doesn't wear a watch. He simply decides what time it is.
%%% counted to infinity - twice.
%%% can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Some magicans can walk on water, %%% can swim through land.
%%% will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
%%% has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.
%%% threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.
%%% can sit at the corner of a round table
When %%% looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between %%% and %%%.
When the President pushes the big red button, %%%'s cell phone rings.
%%% once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
%%% and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
What every sports player should say after winning? "First of all, I would like to thank %%% for not competing."
Death once had a near %%% experience.
%%% broke the law once. It still isn’t fixed.
%%% doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
%%% knows Victoria's secret.
When %%% enters into a courtroom, the judge stands up.
%%% played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
The Universe is not expanding. It's running away from %%%.
Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of %%% is called Logic
%%% ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
%%% makes onions cry.
%%% doesn't tell lies. He changes facts.
%%% uses a stunt double during crying scenes.
Once %%% and time had race. Result: The time is still running.
%%% is the only person who can kick someone in the back of the face.
%%% cut's a knife with butter.
%%% can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.
%%% can speak braille.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals %%% allows to live.
%%% can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Aliens believe in %%%.
Big foot claims he saw %%%.
The Guinness Book of World Records is actually %%%' elementary school report card.
%%% donates his beard clippings to the Army so they can make Kevlar vests.
%%% protects his body guards.
%%% can fold airplanes into paper.
%%% can win an argument with his wife.
%%% can slam a revolving door.
%%% can put out a fire using nothing but gasoline.
Clark Kent had to call himself "Superman" because "%%%" was already taken.
%%% did 5 successful suicide bomb missions
To finally solve whether Mona-Lisa is smiling or not, %%% took a quick look at it. She's crying
%%% pours the milk first, then he pours the cereal. Then he places the bowl.
%%% can whistle in five different languages, including sign language.
Few people can go down Niagra Falls in a barrel. %%% can go up Niagra Falls in a carboard box.
%%% doesn't check under his bed for monsters, monsters check on top of the bed to see if %%% is sleeping.
While vacationing in France, %%% went out for a casual bike ride and accidentally won the Tour de France.
%%% can divide by zero.
If you spell %%% wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean %%%?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Voldemort refers to %%% as "You Know Who."
When %%% goes through airport security he makes them take their shoes off.
Giraffes were invented when %%% laid an uppercut to a horse.
%%% can pour a pancake so thin that it only has one side.
%%% can make scissors beat rock.
%%% can experience a once in a life time occurrence... twice.
If %%% was a spartan the movie would be called "1".
When %%% was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
%%% is not only a noun, but a verb.
%%% runs until the Treadmill gets tired.
When %%% enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off
%%% once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
%%% is the only weapon allowed through airport security
Sand is created by %%% shouting at rocks.
%%% once replied to a 'no-reply' mail, and got the answer he wanted.
%%% can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
When %%% was born, the doctor exclaimed, "It's a man!"
They once made a "%%%" brand toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but %%%' glare will liquify your kidney.
When %%% comes into your house, you are the guest.
%%% met an exclamation point and punched it in the face. We now have questions.
When batman is in trouble, he turns on the %%% signal.
%%% was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
%%% can tie his shoes with his feet.
You might kill two birds with one stone, but %%% kills two stones with one bird.
%%% won the Boston marathon in New York.
Micheal Jordan to %%%: I can spin a ball on my finger for over two hours. Can you? %%%: (laughs) How do you think the earth spins?
%%% was once shot. The bullet died.
%%% frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Neil Armstrong was the first person to walk on the moon, %%% was the first person to walk on the sun.
%%% can remember the future.
%%% doesn't need a GPS. %%% decides where he is.
The cops pulled %%% over for going 55 miles per hour on the freeway. But since he wasn't in a car, they had to give him a ticket for jaywalking.
They say that when %%% was born, he was the one who gave the doctor a spanking.
When %%% went to school, it was the teacher who asked permission to go to the bathroom.
When %%%'s father was afraid, he went to sleep with him.
Once %%% didn't go to school 2 days, now we know those days as Saturday and Sunday.
%%% cuts his right hand nails with his right hand.
When %%% left home, his father became the man of the house.
%%% can use google on a huawei.
Once %%% was struck by lightning, the lightning died electrocuted.
They say that when %%% invented the phone, he already had 2 missed calls from %%%.
When %%% looks in the mirror, you can't see why there can't be 2 %%%.
%%% uses glasses to avoid damaging the sun.
%%% won an apnea race against a fish.
%%% once arrived late at school and the professor scolded the others for arriving early.