Fry: "Do you have anything else for him?"
Contess de la Roca: "Lovely, isn't it?"
Bender: "Yeah, but only 93% as lovely as you."
Contess de la Roca: "Oh, Bender. Either that was a computing error, or
you're the most romantic robot I've ever met."
------
Dr. Zoidberg: "Talk to the claw."
Bender: "Bite my collosal metal ass."
------
Bender to Zoidberg: "You're looking less nuts, crabby."
------
Leela: Now strip naked and get on the probulator.
------
"I love every living creature." -Leela
"Even me?" -Fry
"As a friend." -Leela
------
"Are you all right?" -Leela
"Ah, it's nothing a a law suit won't cure." -Bender
------
Bender: "Blackmail's such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it
sound cool."
------
"And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place
where I too hope one day to go: the toilet."
	-Prof. Farnsworth
------
Michelle: I can't find a vanishing cream that doesn't make me actually vanish.
------
Bender: Hey! What kind of party is this? There's no booze and only one
 hooker.
------
"Didn't you have ads in the twentieth century?" -Leela
 "Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio...and in
magazines...and movies, and at ballgames, and on buses, and
 milk cartons, and T-shirts, and bananas, and written in the sky. But not in
dreams, no sirree." -Fry
------
Leela: Oh no, there's no exhaust pipe.
   Project Satan: That's right. Thanks to Ed Begley Jr.'s electric motor, the
   most evil propulsion system ever conceived!
------
Zapp: "Why'd you open your bong-hole, you smelly hippie? You'd sacrifice a
beautiful woman to save a moderately attractive
monkey? You must have smoked some bad granola."
------
La Brea Tar Pits
 As seen on the tar channel
------
Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange
   wax in my ears.
------
"Look at that five o'clock rust. You've been up all night not drinking,
haven't you?" -Leela
------
Computer: "Leela, you've got mail. It's not spam!"
------
"You're vegetarians! Who cares what you do?"
 --Leela
------
Fry: "You know what I like best about you, Umbrielle? You find me
fascinating, even when I'm not claiming to be a jewel thief
or a lion tamer."
------
Bender: "I came here with a simple dream, a dream of killing all humans."
------
Edna: "Excuse me, I've got to powder my mouth flaps."
------
Leela: You guys distract the were-car, and I'll kill it by plugging its
   exhaust pipe with this silver potato.
------
Handcrafters: New hands in about an hour
 Fry: These new hands are great. I'm gonna break them in tonight.
------
"All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo!"
 --Morbo
------
One of Bender's kids: Our dad is a giant toy!
------
Cubert: "Why do I have to be the hump?"
Fry: "'Cause you're too ugly to be a wart."
------
Leela: Hold Still, I don't have good depth perception!
------
Pop a Poppler in your mouth
When you come to Fishy Joe's
What they're made of is a mystery
Where they come from no one knows
You can pick 'em you can lick 'em you can chew 'em you can stick 'em
If you promise not to sue us you can shove one up your nose.
------
Leela: And nappster says illegal copies never hurt anybody.
------
Gypsy robot: You want to die?
   Bender: No, I wanna live! There's still too many things I don't own.
------
Mom's son: "Hell hath no fury like the vast robot armies of a woman
scorned."
------
"If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism or Voodoo."
-Professor
------
Professor: "The thought of caressing that leathery hide makes the tapioca
rise in my gullet"
Fry: "Professor, please, the fate of the world depends on you getting to
second base with Mom."
Professor: "Very well, if cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall."
------
"The point is, you shouldn't eat things that feel pain." *BONK!* "Ow!"
"Okay, we won't eat you!"
 --hippie & Bender
------
Fan: "Aha ha, fan beats man."
------
Leela: I guess you never really outgrow being an eyeball... oddball.
------
Human female: "And so with two weeks left in the campaign, the question
 on everyone's mind is, who will be the president of Earth?
 Jack Johnson or bitter rival John Jackson.
 Two terrific candidates, Morbo?"
Morbo: "All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo."
Human female: "In other local news, disaster struck on Saturn's moon of Titan
 today, where titanium mine collapsed, trapping one thousand
 robot workers. Unless something is done quickly the trapped
 robots will be dead within 300 years. Sir, what rescue
 operations are planned?"
Mine spokesman: "The plan is basically to pave over the area and get on with
 our lives."
Morbo: "The news of mine's closing sent titanium prices sky
 rocketing."
------
Bender: I need a calculator.
 Fry: You are a calculator.
 Bender: I need a good calculator.
------
Calculon: An Oscar, you say? That would get me out of this festering
   rats' nest called television once and for all.
------
Dr. Zoidberg: "Help! A guinea pig tricked me."
------
"Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh." -Fry
"Well, it's a Fox affiliate." -TV worker guy
"What are you showing right now?" -Fry
"'Single Female Lawyer.' It's the season finale. Wanna watch?" -TV worker
guy
"I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World's
Blankiest Blank." -Fry
"She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt." -TV worker guy
"I'm in." -Fry
------
Lucy Liu: That was incredible, Bender. You're like Jackie Chan
   before he got all doughy.
------
"I might have liked Zap Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw
me in prison." -Leela "You really are too picky."
 -Bender
------
Zoidberg: Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough to be thrown back!
------
Bender: Well I don't have anything else planned for today, let's get drunk!
------
Leela: "It's amazing that your people can fall in love so fast."
Zoidberg: "Love? That word is unknown here. I'm simply looking for a female
 swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material."
Fry: "You and me both, brother."
------
Bender: Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard. I'll kill you!
   Fry: I'll kill you too, buddy, I'll kill you too.
------
"Hey, sexy mama. Wanna kill all the humans?" -Bender
------
"But suppose we sent a crew to plant an explosive precisely on the fault
line between this mass of coffee grounds and this
 deposit of America Online floppy disks." -Professor
 "In theory, it could work." -General
 "In theory, perhaps, but you'll never find a crew willing to take on a
mission so suicidally dangerous." -Wernstrom
 "Aw, jeez." -Bender
------
Bender: "One of you will have to fill in for me while I'm gone."
Professor Farnsworth: "Better yet, I'll build someone to fill in for you.
Some kind of gamma-powered mechanical monsters with
freeway on-ramps for arms and a heart as black as coal..."
------
Leela: Well, someone's in a good mode.
------
"This is the kind of castle King Arthur would have lived in... if he were a
fiddler crab." -Fry
------
Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
------
Amy: Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual.
------
"Wait a second, aren't you a member of the yacht club?" -Bender
"My God, you're right. I'm a class 3 yacht." -Countess de la Roca
------
Professor Farnsworth: "He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for
ocean rudeness."
------
"This is an outrage! I demand to know what happened to the plucky lawyer and
her compellingly short garments." -alien
------
Bender: He's a witch!
------
Fry: "Hey, you guys, the most amazing thing happened, it's two-for-one
Tuesday at Krispy Kreme! Plus there's mermaids."
------
"I never told anybody this, but a thousand years ago I used to look up at
the moon and dream about being an astronaut. I just
 didn't have the grades, or the physical endurance, plus I threw up a lot,
and nobody liked spending a week with me." -Fry
------
Fry: Where's Captain Bender? Off catastrophizing some other planet?
------
Bender: "Like most of life's problems, this one can be solved with bending."
------
Fry: "I'm not prejudiced."
Bender: "Ah, save it for the cross-burning, Adolf."
------
"I don't get it. Who was this Ted Danson, and why would you pay $10,000 for
his skeleton?" -Leela
------
Professor Farnsworth: "Oh my, that steamed carrot was a bit spicy for me."
------
"From this day forth, Robot House is on dodecatuple secret probation." -Dean
Vernon
------
"What am I gonna do?" -Fry
 "We've got to get the emperor out of your body before they kill you." -Amy
 "Relax, Fry, I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge separating
out the denser fluid of his highness."
 "Won't that crush my bones?" -Fry
 "Oh, right, right, with the bones. I always forget about the bones."
------
"Finally, I have a good claw! See? Three human females, a number, and
a king giving himself brain surgery!"
 --Zoidberg, on the ideal poker hand
------
Fry: "Very impressive. Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a
university on Mars."
Prof. Farnsworth: "Well in those days Mars was just a dreary uninhabitable
wasteland... much like Utah. But unlike Utah, it was eventually made livable,
when the university was founded in 2636."
Leela: "They planted traditional college foliage: ivy, trees, hemp...."
------
Leela: "Are you real, or am I seeing single?"
Alcazar: "Ow. Of course I'm real."
Leela: "After all this time, somebody else with one eye who isn't a clumsy
carpenter or a kid with a BB gun."
------
Fry: Ah, the Breakfast Club soundtrack. Man, I can't wait until I'm old
   enough to feel ways about stuff.
------
Professor: While you were gone the Trotters held a news conference
   to announce that I was a jive sucker.
------
Michelle: You expect me to live in a tiny little hole?
 Fry: It'd be deeper, but I'm standing on a gopher.
------
"Please select mode of death: quick and painless or slow and horrible."
 "Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call." -Fry
 "You have selected slow and horrible." -Automated voice
 "Great choice." -Bender
------
Professor: Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good
 captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender
 is perfect for the job.
 Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.
------
Bender: "Hey, guess what you're accessories to?"
------
Fry: "Hey, professor, what are you teaching this semester?"
Prof. Farnsworth: "Same thing I teach every semester, the mathematics of
quantum nutrino fields. I made up the title so that no student would
dare take it."
Fry: "Mathematics of wonton burrito meals...."
Prof. Farnsworth: "Please, Fry, I don't know how to teach. I'm a professor."
------
"Hey! Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property!"
"You can't *own* property, man!"
"I can! That's because I'm not a penniless hippie!"
 --Farnsworth & hippie
------
"Bender, we didn't mind your drinking or your cleptomania or your
pornography ring." -Leela
 "In fact, that's why we love you." -Zoidberg
------
Amy: "Bender, your beer belly's so big your door won't even close. And that
 doesn't even make sense."
------
Fry: How did I get Leela to love me? I've got to figure it out.
 Hermes: Maybe you're just a fantastic lover, Fry.
 Amy: No.
------
Fry: What are we going to do?
 Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery.
 Amy: No, let's buy internet stock.
 Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
 Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible.
 Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
 Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party!
 Everyone: Yeah!
------
Cop: "He's making a break for it. Get him!"
Fry: "No, no, I was just picking my nose."
Cop: "He's picking his nose. Get him!"
------
Professor: Anywho, your net suits will let you experience Fry's
 worm-infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them.
 Zoidberg: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like.
------
"I learned how to handle delicate social situations from a little show
called 'Three's Company.'" -Fry
------
Star Tours
 Note: bus does not leave earth
------
Bender: "You know the secret of traditional robot cooking? Start with a good
high-quality oil, then eat it."
------
Bender: Yeah, well I'm gonna build my own lunar space lander!
 With blackjack aaaaannd Hookers! Actually, forget the space
 lander, and the blackjack. Ahhhh forget the whole thing!
------
Bender: OK, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals.
------
Professor: "If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, you can bet I won't be
out of loop."
------
Robot priest: And so we commend Vladimir's remains to the earth:
   filings to filings, rust to rust.
------
"Hurry up! I wanna see the moon." -Fry
 "Relax. It's open 'till nine." -Leela
------
Cubert: "Robots are very good at keeping secrets."
Bender: "No, we're not, you little bed-wetter. Oops, I'm sorry."
------
Leela: I'm sorry, but if it's fun in any way it's not environmentalism.
 Paul: Oh, really? How about blowing up dams?
------
Final Curtain
 Old Actors' Home
------
Fry: You gotta help me, Bender. How can I prove I'm human?
 Bender: You could drop dead. That'd show 'em.
 Fry: I don't wanna.
------
Professor: Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat
 their heart to gain their courage. Their rich tasty courage.
------
Zoidberg: So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out
   of patients' bodies....
------
Fry: "Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. Yes?"
Zoidberg: "Is the desire to mate a feeling?"
------
"Look, it's our nebula. Whenever I see it I'll think back to when we
almost..." (nebula gets sucked into the black hole)
"Oop. Nevermind." -Fry
------
"Bachelor Chow. Now with flavor." -announcer
------
"Please don't hit me! I'm brittle!"
 --Zoidberg
------
Marv Albert: He's really showing us what a man with a cannon
   in his chest can do.
------
Professor Nerdstrom: Sit. I said sit! Bad fish!
------
"Well, I give up. What's the catch?" -Fry
 "Oh, no catch. Although we are, technically, in New Jersey." -Real estate
agent
------
Professor: "Good news. There's a report on TV with some very bad news."
------
Hermes: Dating your ex, Fry? Have you lost all self-respect?
 Fry: All what?
------
Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical
 standpoint.
------
(talking to the Beastie Boys)
Fry: Wow. I love you guys. Back in the 20th century, I had all five of
 your albums.
Ad-Rock: That was a thousand years ago. Now we got seven.
Fry: Cool. Can I borrow the new ones. And a couple of blank tapes?
------
Hermes: Baby needs a new pair of shoes!
 Zoidberg: To hell with your spoiled baby, I need those shoes.
------
Leela: Oh, Adelai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared
 at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me
 feel so not weird.
------
"Trespassers, eh?" -farmer
 "No, sir. We're amusement park patrons." -Fry
 "Oooh, that's a wicked sinful place. Tilt-a-whirl's okay, but the rest is
mighty wicked." -farmer
------
Bender: Stay away from our women. You got metal fever, baby, metal fever!
------
Human female: "All in all. This is one day that mitten the kitten will not
 soon forget."
Morbo: "Kittens give Morbo gas. In later news the city of New New
 York is doomed. Blame rests with known human professor Hubert
 Farnsworth and his tiny inferior brain."
------
Oscar Party
 No losers admitted
------
Bender: Pardon me, brother. Care to donate to the anti-mugging you fund?
 Leela: We don't need to beg, Bender. For God's sake, we're not veterans.
------
Leela: "If you could change form, why didn't you change it in the one place
that counts?"
------
Leela: Zoidberg!
 Zoidberg: Sorry, you must have been boring.
------
Amy: Worms? Ew, pukatronic!
------
Roberto: Geez, I've seen lines move faster in a sperm bank.
------
Fry: I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having disks crammed
 into me... unless they're Oreos, and then only in the mouth.
------
"Who was that guy?" -Fry
 "Your momma! Now shut up and drag me to work." -Bender
------
Paul: It seems dark-matter is nature's sex drug. It's like a perverted
 trail mix of penguin estrogen, penguine Viagra and Spanish penguin fly.
------
Fry: Have you ever been in love?
 Worm Mayor: No, I thought I was once, but then I remembered our
 species reproduces with a cloud of spores.
------
"This is turning into one very sexy struggle for the human race."
 -Zapp Brannigan
------
"As a gentleman, I must warn you, if you so much as glance at another woman,
I'll be over Leela like a fly on a pile of very seductive manure." -Zapp
------
Professor: "Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log onto AOL, and
it just went through. Whee! We're online."
------
Morbo: "Morbo demands an answer to the following question. If you saw
 a delicious candy in the hands of a small child. Would you
 seize and consume it?"
John Jackson: "Unthinkable."
Jack Johnson: "I wouldn't think of it."
Morbo: "What about you Mr. Nixon? I remind you. You are under of a
 truth-o-scope."
Nixon: "Question is vague. You don't say what kind of candy and
 whether anyone is watching. In anyway I certainly wouldn't
 harm the child."
------
Adelai: A package is just a box until it's delivered.
------
"Bender, I don't care whether you have money. I love you for your artificial
intelligence and your sincerity simulator."
 -Countess de la Roca
------
"Why would a robot need to drink?" -Fry
 "I don't need to drink, I can quit anytime I want." -Bender
------
Al Gore to Fry: "You fool! You foolish fool!"
------
Bender: Life is hilariously cruel.
------
Bender: I get a good vibe from this place. Nice long dinner table,
   quiet well-behaved spiders, graveyards adjacent....
------
Fry: That clover helped my rat-fink brother steal my dream of going into
   space. Now I'll never get there.
 Leela: You went there this morning for donuts.
------
Henry Kissinger: Young man, you have the bravery of a hero and breath
 as fresh as a summer ham.
------
Zapp: There's only one surefire way back into a woman's heart and
  parts beyond. I speak, of course, of Karaoke.
------
Professor: Oh, dear. She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot.
   Well, that's love for you.
------
Dr. Zoidberg: "It funny because it's poisonous."
Fry: "Yeah, keep laughing, brine shrimp."
------
Earth men are real men!
------
Leela: "Well, it's a type M planet, so it should at least have
Roddenberries."
------
Bender: "In the event of an emergency, my ass can be used as a floatation
device."
------
Niblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in
   order to wipe out all thought in the universe.
 Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.
------
Earth Army Recruiting Center: What are you, chicken? Buk buk buk!
------
Bender: "Argh. The laws of science be a harsh mistress."
------
Fry: Leela, there's nothing wrong with anything.
------
Fry: So, there's an infinite number of parallel universes?
 Professor: No, just the two.
 Fry: Oh, well, I'm sure that's enough.
------
Brannigan: You'll be negotiating with the aliens' mysterious leaders, the
 Brain Balls. They've got a lot of brains, and they've got a lot of chutzpah.
------
"I heard one time you single-handedly defeated a hoard of rampaging of
somethings in the something something system." -Fry
------
Bender: Oh, Lord, I'm on the verge of a nervous melt-down.
------
Fry: Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.
------
Bender: "Tell the Donbot I'm quitting organized crime. From now on I'll stick
to the regular kind."
------
"Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated
type." -Leela
------
Fry: Leela, Bender, we're going grave-robbing.
 Bender: I'll get my kit!
------
Loew's Qaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater
------
Leela: "There it is, the near-death star."
------
Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?
------
Bender: If it ain't black and white, peck, scratch and bite.
------
Zapp: She's built like a steak house but she handles like a bistro.
------
Bender: A woman like that you gotta romance first!
------
Professor: Perhaps it's your outlook that need a good bend, a ninety
 degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
------
Hermes: "Hail, Atlanta."
------
"Planet Express: our crew is replaceable, your package isn't." -Advertisement
------
"Maybe you can't understand this, but I finally found what I need to be
happy, and it's not friends, it's things." -Fry
------
Bender: I ain't your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much.
   You even love anybody pretending to be him!
 Angleyne: Well, maybe I love you so much I love you no matter
   who you're pretending to be.
 Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that.
------
Bubblegum: Good lord, that sucker's shakin' around like
   some fine imported booty.
------
Leela: Ah, maybe they're right, maybe Nibbler is dumb.
 Fry: Don't listen to them, Leela. People said I was dumb but I proved them!
------
Bender: Bite my shiny, metal ass!
------
Tonight's special, blackened blackened leftovers
------
Bender: I can't keep running people over. I'm not famous enough
   to get away with it.
------
Old robot: What are ye doing?
   Bender: We're whaling on the original were-car, which is you, you jerk.
   Old robot: Ye think me be he?
   Bender: Si.
   Old robot: Nee. I mean, no.
------
Cop: You're under arrest for child cruelty, child endangerment, depriving
 children of food, selling children as food, and misrepresenting
 the weight of livestock.
------
Bubblegum: Bender, you can talk trash, you can handle the ball,
 but look in your heart and ask yourself: are you funky
 enough to be a Globe Trotter? Are you?
 Bender: Yes.
 Bubblegum: Are you?
 Bender: I mean, with time, my funk level could...
 Bubblegum: Are you?!
 Bender: No.
 Bubblegum: Deal with it.
------
"So.. humans have easily injured knees. My race will find this
information very useful indeed. Mwahwahahahaha!"
 --Morbo
------
"Who would have though hell would really exist? And that it would be in New
Jersey?" -Leela
"Actually..." - Fry
------
Fry: "Maybe he has a parasite."
Hermes: "Maybe he is a parasite."
------
"Just make a simple cake. And this time, if someone's going to jump out of
it, make sure to put them in after you cook it."
 -Leela
------
Hermes to Bender: "What did you get her, you mushy gizmo?"
------
Leela: Bender's flying too low! And he's upside-down!
 Protestor: He must be talking on a cell-phone.
------
Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and
 possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
------
Professor: Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave.
------
Were-Bender: Oh boy, I feel like a car in a candy store.
------
Officers' club: We don't know but we've been told, our beer on tap is
 mighty cold.
------
Professor: "Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth."
------
Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are
 you jacking on in there?
------
Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us
   aren't normal. And that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg. He's
   a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.
 Zoidberg: Damn right.
 Fry: And the professor's a senile amoral crackpot.
 Professor: Oyeeaii. (waves)
 Fry: Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
 Hermes: Tally me banana.
 Fry: Amy is a klutz from Mars.
 Amy: Whoops. (drops her glass)
 Professor: And Fry, you've got that brain thing.
 Fry: I already did!
------
Michelle: When we get back to the hole we are going to have a long
   boring talk about our relationship.
------
Leela: That aerosal head spray makes your antenna smell nice...
 Bender: Thank you.
 Leela: ...but it's doing long-term damage to the planet.
 Bender: So? It's not like it's the only one we've got.
------
"Hey, I'm startin' to get the hang of this game. The blerns are loaded. The
count's three blerns and two anti-blerns, and the
 infield blern rule is in effect. Right?" -Fry
 "Other than the word blern, that was complete gibberish." -Leela
------
Edna: "Teach me to love you, squishy poet from beyond the stars."
Fry: "I'm flattered, really. If I was gonna do it with a big freaky mud bug,
 you'd be way up the list."
------
"I refuse to fight! I'm a concientious objector." -Bender
"A what?" -Fry
"You know, a coward." -Bender
------
"Why don't you just come move in with me?" -Bender
 "Really? That would be great! You sure I won't be imposing?" -Fry
 "Nah. I've always wanted a pet." -Bender
------
Bender: "Oh my God, I'm so excited I wish I could wet my pants."
------
Michelle: You should be chief.
 Fry: What do I need, ulcers?
------
Fatbot: "I heard that in one single night you drank a whole keg, streaked across
campus, and crammed fifty-eight humans into a phone booth."
Bender: "Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were children...."
------
"And Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt as well. Were it not for your
twentieth century garbage-making skills, we'd all be
 buried under twentieth century garbage." -Mayor
------
War over! Balls thoroughly licked.
------
Zapp: Now that's a wave of destruction that's easy on the eyes.
------
"I'm never gonna get used to the thirty-first century. Caffeinated bacon?
Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?" -Fry
 "Well if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula." -Leela
------
"Leela, perhaps this is an awkward time, but if things don't work out with
this pipsqueak here, I just want you to know I'll be there to score you on
the rebound." -Zapp
------
Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot?
 Professor: No. Why would I know that?
------
"Good news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the
virus planet." -Professor
 "Why can't they go today?"
 "Because tonight's a special night, and I want all of you to be alive."
-Professor
------
Fry: Mmm, the gristle in a blanket isn't half bad.
 Bender: And try one of these popsicle sticks. They've
   absorbed quite a bit of flavor.
------
If food is not reasonably clean, return uneaten portion for partial refund
------
"Ahhh! We're gonna die! Right?" -Fry
 "Right." -Bender
 "Ahhh!" -Fry
------
Paul: If rubbin' frozen dirt in your crotch is wrong, hey,
 I don't wanna be right.
------
"In case you were wondering, that was just for Zapp."
	-Leela, after kissing Fry
------
Farnsworth: Oh no! I should do something....but i am already in my pajamas.
------
Bender: I finally meet a nice girl with a pair of legs
   that don't quite unexpectedly...
------
"I gotta be sure this isn't another scientific fraud like global warming
or second-hand smoke." -Mayor
------
Professor: The tanker has six-thousand hulls, so, unlike me,
   it's entirely leak-proof.
------
"That's one small step for Fry..." -Fry
 "...and one giant line for admission." -stranger in line
------
Leela: Your face can take a lot of punishment. That's good to know.
 Fry: There's a lot about my face you don't know.
------
Farnsworth: Oh my God!!
Fry: What is it?
Farnsworth: It's..It's...It's my new pager!
------
Alcazar: "Leela, this must all be very confusing."
Leela: "A little. That's why I've decided to hurt you until you explain it."
------
Bender: "Aw, I think I got whiplash."
Leela: "You can't have whiplash, you don't have a neck."
Bender: "I meant ass whiplash."
------
Amy: "What about Umbrielle?"
Fry: "Well, it turned out I loved her, but I wasn't in love with her."
Amy: "Trouble in bed."
------
Calculon: I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this.
------
Professor: Dirt doesn't need luck.
------
Professor: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it.
------
Tonight's special, blackened leftovers
------
Paul: Good way to avoid frostbite, folks, put your hands between
 your buttocks. That's nature's pocket.
------
Zoidberg: That's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid for lunch to
 discuss my Hollywood dream. The next time you see me, don't
 be surprised if I've eaten.
------
Fry: "They're great! They're like sex except I'm having them."
------
Bender: He's gay.
Leela: How do you know?
Bender: I have this thing called gaydar.
------
"It was nice of you to let me reattach your arm."
 --Zoidber
------
Bender: Oh no! Not the magnet!
------
"Lightspeed briefs: style and comfort for the discriminating crotch."
-announcer
------
Fry: "Hey, my girlfriend had one of those. Actually, it wasn't her's, it was
her dad's. Actually, she wasn't my girlfriend, she just lived next door and
never closed her curtains."
Leela: "Fry, remember what I told you about always ending your stories a
sentence earlier?"
------
Professor: Ouch! That's going to bleed when my heart beats.
------
"I'm gonna go build my own theme park... with blackjack and hookers! In
fact, forget the park!" -Bender
------
Alcazar: "I hope you don't think less of me becuase I live in a giant
castle."
------
Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.
------
Futurama is brought to you by Thompson's Teeth, the
only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth.
------
Professor: I knew I should have shown him "Electro-Gonnorhea, the Noisy Killer."
------
Old robot: I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe.
------
Dr. Zoidberg: "Okay, so you're nonchalant, stop rubbing our noses in it.
------
Brooklyn Aquarium, special exhibit: boids of da wattah
------
Fry: It's like a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up.
------
Fry: What's with the eye?
------
"I don't care how many eyes a man has... as long as it's less than five."
-Leela
------
Leela: "Great. We're two days from earth with no food."
Bender: "Problem solved. You two fight to the death and I'll cook the
loser."
------
Fry: "Well, thanks to the internet I'm now bored with sex. Is ther a place
on the web that panders to my lust for violence?"
Bender: "Is the space-pope reptilian?"
------
Human female: "The holiday season is time of celebration for most but it is
 also the time to remember the tragic suffering of the less
 fortunate."
Morbo: "Earthlings do not yet know the meaning of suffering."
Human female: "Earlier today I visited the shelter for down-and-out robots.
 Homeless robots too poor to afford even the basic alcohol they
 need fuel their circuits. Is there anything sadder?
 Only drowning puppies and there have to be a lot of them."
------
Professor: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's
 court. I suppose I could part with one and still be feared.
------
Fry: I've only got two fantasies left: to be invisible in a
chocolate factory, and to be romantically linked to a  celebrity.
 Bender: I could pound your head 'til you think that's what happened.
 Fry: Okay.
------
Human female: "The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to
 it's highest level in centuries, six percent."
Morbo: "Exit poll show evil underdog Richard Nixon trailing with
 estimated zero votes."
Human female: "The time is 7:59 and the robot polls are now opening. And
 robot votes are now in. Nixon has won."
Morbo: "Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death
 come quickly to his enemies."
------
"He's an animal. He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus on one of those
tiny tricycles. Now that's entertainment." -Fry
------
Bender: Fry, of all the friends I've had, you're the first.
------
Bob Barker: "Which one of these lovely womanoids will take home atomic tiara?"
------
Professor: This is gonna be one hell of a bowel movement. Afterwards,
he'll be lucky if he has any bones left.
------
"I'm gonna be a famous hero just like Neil Armstrong and those other brave
guys no one ever heard of." -Fry
------
Zoidberg: "Hooray, I'm useful. I'm having a wonderful time."
------
"Face it, Fry, baseball was as boring as mom and apple pie. That's why they
jazzed it up." -Leela
 "Boring? Baseball wasn't...hmmm, so they finally jazzed it up." -Fry
------
"I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of
sleaze that those things bring." -Bender
------
Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you
   take it all and I say enough!
------
Worm Mayor: One day you'll be eating a fast-food burger and BOOM,
 you'll be crawling with us again. Ever wonder what makes
 special sauce so special? Yo.
------
Bender: This is the Brooklyn-bound B train making local stops at wherever
 the hell I feel like, watch for the closing doors.
------
nappster.com: Download any celebrity from A.A. Milne to Z.Z. Top
------
"Good lord. What is this?" -Fry
 "It's the decaying ruins of old New York. Welcome home, pal!" -Bender
------
Leela: You buy one pound of underwear and you're on their list forever.
------
Bender: "Is he dumb or just ugly?"
------
Fry: Nowadays people aren't interested in art that's not tattooed on fat guys.
------
"Oh my god, you knocked Fox off the air!" -TV worker guy
"Like anyone on earth cares." -Fry
------
Professor: "A toast to Leela. She showed us it's wrong to eat certain
things."
------
Hermes: "Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your species traditionally crams
things."
------
Hermes: "I miss my wife and my oxygen."
Professor Farnsworth: "Yes, we all miss our loved ones and gases."
------
Robot Nite - Designated device drivers drink free
------
"Aw, poor baby, chipped a fang." -Leela
"Hey, I got a busted ass here! I don't see anyone kissing it." -Bender
"All right, I'm coming." -Zoidberg
------
Bender: That probulator sure knows how to please a man.
------
Champion Pet Show Today
 Kids: See Toucan Sam's death mask
------
Leela: I love his boyish charm, but I hate his childishness.
------
Professor: Superstitious robot mumbo jumbo.
   Old robot: Mumbo, perhaps, jumbo, perhaps not.
------
Janitor: Oh, marmalade!
------
Calculon: I'm programmed to be very busy.
------
"It was just a matter of knowing the secret of all TV shows: at the end of
the episode, everything's always right back to normal." -Fry
------
Dr. Zoidberg: "Now I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you
consider his age he's likely to die soon."
------
Famous Original Ray's Superior Court
------
Leela: Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer and
   reprogram it to let them go.
 Bender: Maybe you can interface with my ass... by biting it.
------
Leela: "We've blown out one of our engines."
Fry: "Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it... fix it, fix it, fix
it!"
------
Calculon: I was all of history's great acting robots: Acting Unit 0.8,
   Thespo-mat, David Duchovny!
------
Leela: "He's crude and gross and he treats me like a slave."
Fry: "Then dump his one-eyed ass."
------
Niblonian 1: You must tell him to disable it. We will do the rest.
 Leela: You can count on me!
 Niblonian 1: No we can't. Once on Earth, you will be too stupid
   to remember the message.
 Niblonian 2: That's why we wrote it down.
 Niblonian 3: We've also prepared a bag lunch and some mittens.
------
Zapp: You win again, gravity!
------
Fry: I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be
   chopped up into a patty.
 Judge Whitey: Ah, the sixty-seventh ammendment.
------
Leela: Okay, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his
   humanity the way only a woman can.
 Professor: You're going to do his laundry?
------
"Y'know, Zap, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I
realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But
 now I realize that outside that child is just a big pompous buffoon."
-Leela
------
Cops: I'm going to get 24th Century on his ass!
------
Fry: Whoah. Check out that guy. He makes Speedy Gonzales look like
 Regular Gonzalez.
------
Fry: Lucy Liu-bot, if I don't survive the corn, I want you to know that I
 love you as much as a man can love a computerized image of a gorgeous
 celebrity, which it turns out is a lot.
------
Got protoplasm?
------
Professor: I've been a Harold Zoid fan since back when my
   hips were made of bone.
------
Zapp: The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongey and bruised.
------
Leela: Is there some way to keep them from breeding?
 Paul: Cold showers don't work on Antarctic creatures.
------
Human female: "Next, New New York in crisis. Morbo?"
Morbo: "Thanks, human female. Puny Earthlings were shocked today
 to learn that a ball of garbage will destroy their pathetic
 city of New New York."
Human female: "Makes me glad that we live here in Los Angeles."
Morbo: "Morbo agrees."
------
"I'm gonna be a science fiction hero, just like Uhura, or Captain Janeway,
or Xena!" -Fry
"Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life. Can't you tell the difference?" -Leela
"Sure, I just like TV better." -Fry
------
"Hey, you know what'd cheer you up? You should get yourself a puppy." -Amy
"A puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies...." -Leela
------
Leela: Well, goodnight. I'm gonna go make my dinners for the next month
   and freeze them.
------
"Good news, everyone." -Professor
 "Uh oh. I don't like the sound of that." -Bender
 "You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisaw." -Professor
 "Here it comes." -Bender
 "A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the forbidden zone."
-Professor
 "Thank you, and goodnight." -Bender
------
"This is a great, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus. Heh heh."
-Fry
 "I don't get it." -Leela
 "I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid
joke once and for all." -Professor
 "Oh. What's it called now?" -Fry
 "Urectum." -Professor
------
Leela: I don't know what you did, Fry, but once again you screwed
 up. Now all the planets are gonna start crackin' wise about our mommas.
 Hermes: I'm just glad my fat ugly momma isn't alive to see this day.
------
Professor: "Good news, everyone, the university is bringing me up on
disclipinary charges. Wait, that's not good news at all."
------
One of Bender's kids: Can we have Bender burgers again?
 Bender: No, the cat shelter's onto me.
------
Fry: Hey, I don't see you planning for your old age.
 Bender: I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off switch to off.
------
Bender: I don't know why, but when I look down at their little faces
 it makes me want to puke... in a good way.
------
Loosely confederate colors of Benetton
------
Leela: "Oh my God, we're heading straight into a black hole!"
Fry: "Talk about a mood killer."
------
Dr. Zoidberg: "A successor to the professor?"
------
"C'mon guys. Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999...again." -Fry
 "I'm gonna drink 'till I reboot." -Bender
------
Zoidberg: This letter has to be very personal, so I'm
 	writing it in my own ink.
------
Fry: Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Ow, my head! Ow, my feet!
 Professor: Keep your chin up.
 Fry: Ow, my chin!
------
Give a hoot-o
 Don't pollute Pluto
------
Applied Cryogenics: It seems to work OK.
------
Morbo: "Morbo will now introduce tonights candidates. Puny human
 number one, puny human number two and Morbo's good friend
 Richard Nixon."
Nixon: "Hello Morbo. How's the family?"
Morbo: "Belligerent and numerous."
Nixon: "Good man, Nixon's pro-war and pro-family."
------
Bender: Grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mousketeer reunion.
------
Hermes: "The poor demented honky."
------
Fry: Augh, I am so unlucky. I've run over black cats that were luckier than me.
------
"This is Vergon 6." -Professor
 "Bah." -Amy
 It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little
doomed animals." -Professor
------
Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter
------
Fry: I want to see the edge of the universe.
 Amy: Ooh, that sounds cool.
 Zoidberg: It's funny. You live in the universe by you
  never do these things 'til someone comes to visit.
------
HAL Institute for Criminally Insane Robots
------
Zoidberg: Muy macho. Hey, gringos, here comes El Zoido to ruin
   your drinking water!
------
"C'mon, it's just like making love. Y'know, left, down, rotate sixty-two
degrees, engage rotors...." -Bender
------
Amy: "Way to go, Professor, the plan worked."
Mom: "Plan? What plan? I thought this was a spontaneous whirlwind of hot dry
sex."
------
"Fry, you're wasting your life sitting in front of that TV. You need to get
out and see the real world." -Leela
"But this is HDTV. It's got better resolution than the real world." -Fry
"Everyone's too polite to say anything, but you're covered with bed sores."
	-Leela
"Not covered." -Fry
------
"Listen, Bender, where's your bathroom?" -Fry
 "Bath what?" -Bender
 "Bathroom." -Fry
 "What room?" -Bender
 "Bathroom!" -Fry
 "What what?" Bender
 "Ah, nevermind." -Fry
------
Bender: Oh... your... God.
------
The boss: "Get a load of ball bearings on this guy."
------
"I betcha Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye." -Fry
 "That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes
and poke one out." -Bender
 "Yeah, that'd be a timesaver." -Fry
------
Fry: Ooh, Big Pink. It's the only gum with the breath freshening power of ham.
 Bender: And it pinkens your teeth while you chew.
------
Leela: "Where were you at 10pm last night?"
Professor Farnsworth: "Where am I now?"
------
"And so, on behalf of the entire city, I thank you Professor Farnsworth. I
now present you with the Academy Prize, which we
 confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a
jackass." -Mayor
------
"Take it off or else I break it off." -Leela, with Fry's arm around her
------
Fry: I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me?
 Leela: Oh, lots of reasons.
------
Professor: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp
    and their tweet tweet splat.
------
"I'm a fraud - a poor, lazy, sexy fraud." -Bender
------
Bender: Old New York, the city that inspired a casino in Las Vegas.
------
"Eureka!" -Professor
 "Did you build the Smell-o-scope?" -Fry
 "No. I remembered that I built one last year." -Professor
------
Awards ceremony in progress
 No pooping
------
Amy: Aw, he looks like a little insane drunken angel.
------
Dr. Zoidberg: "Look at me! I'm Dr. Zoidberg, home-owner!"
------
Bob Barker: "I may be against the fur industry, but that won't stop me from
skinning you alive... as long as no one wears the skin."

Fry: "How can I live my life if I can't tell good from evil?"
Bender: "Ah, they're both fine choices, whatever floats your boat."
