When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called logic.
Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in {his} room. The bear isn't dead, it's just afraid to move.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago. Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell {him} yet.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life.
Chuck Norris won American Idol using only sign language.
Once a cop pulled over Chuck Norris... the cop was lucky to leave with a warning.
Some magicans can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim through land.
Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.
Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.
When the President pushes the big red button, Chuck Norris's cell phone rings.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. {His} heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack {him}.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as giraffes.
Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake. After three days of pain and agony, the snake died.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris remembers the future.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris doesn't sweat. {He} forces the air around {him} to cry and uses its tears to cool {him}self.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Chuck Norris signal.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a shadow. {His} shadow isn't stupid enough to follow {him} around.
When Chuck Norris looks at {him}self in a mirror, there is no reflection. There can only be one Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under {his} gun.
Guns are warned not to play with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can describe colors to a blind man.
Chuck Norris can kill 99% of all bacteria... as a warning to the other 1%.
Chuck Norris invented zombies so that {he} can kill {his} victims again.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs. Chuck Norris.  The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie 14 seconds long.
Whenever Chuck Norris came home late as a teen, {his} parents were grounded.
Chuck Norris doesn't turn on the shower; {he} looks at it until it cries.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, {he} isn't lifting {him}self up, {he}'s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris runs until the treadmill gets tired.
Chuck Norris doesn't read. {He} just stares at the book until {he} gets the information {he} wants.
Chuck Norris doesn't turn on the lights, {he} turns off the dark.
Chuck Norris can cut scissors with paper.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. {He} waits.
Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. {His} job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter."
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
In {his} will, Chuck Norris has specified that if {he} dies, {he} will bury {him}self.
Chuck Norris runs Windows 10 on {his} Etch-a-Sketch.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, {he}'s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris was once on Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
Chuck Norris once won a hot dog eating contest by consuming 100 hot dogs and six contestants in under three minutes.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
When God said, "Let there be light," Chuck Norris said, "Say please."
Chuck Norris owns a custom belt sander with three settings: Low, High, and Shave.
Chuck Norris once pulled a building out of a burning building.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Chuck Norris can tie {his} shoes with {his} feet.
When Chuck Norris does a commit, {he} doesn't push to the remote repository, {he} makes all clones pull from {him}.
Chuck Norris can make tests run in negative time.
Chuck Norris eats red herring and snipe for breakfast.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch {him}self in the back of the head.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for {his} left and right legs.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. {He} decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce (starring Chuck Norris) marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it's a Chuck Norristatorship.
